Admitting Fantasies

Photo by Rudy Aguilar

When you know what you want it’s infinitely more easy to get. Sometimes it’s hard figuring out what you want though. It’s even harder admitting some things out loud. These days I want games and fun. Imaginative interactions. Fantasies to come alive for me, and I want this colorful vibrant sexual world to not involve me having sex — piv/oral/anal… Winter marigniates me, fantasy rich and stir crazy, and even though I know there are a lot of people out there who probably would love these things too there’s a voice in my head that tells me I don’t deserve them. “Who would bother getting down with me if not for the end goal of sex?” However, if I can push past those fears and say exactly what I want out loud, I can start looking for it rather than either not getting my needs met at all or settling for something which will feel compromising and possibly unhealthy.

Talking about fantasies can help. When I can talk about my fantasies with others, it feels great and our conversations go places they wouldn’t if we just talk about what we “want”. It’s hard to say the words “I want” at all for many people, and even harder to say things that seem abnormal or vulnerable to judgement, sometimes especially to loved ones. If we can talk about our fantasies though, we can share these ideas a little more safely with one another. When we notice we’re curious about a partner’s fantasy we can ask, “is that something you’d actually like to experience sometime?”, and we might even finding ourselves admitting that yes, we’d like to actually try a certain fantasy out. Of course, fantasies are fantasies and some are meant to remain that way, and there’s nothing wrong with that either.

We live in a world that judges everything. Developing one’s “personal brand” is an effort so many people get tripped up over, and it’s natural that one should trip up on it. Branding is an aesthetic and a set of rules. Life, desire, sexuality, curiosity, hormones, impulses, growth, staying alive: these things are very complex, full of mistakes and ugliness, ofttimes messy. Perhaps this is why we like branding, it makes things which are not easy seem to be, which in turn makes them more saleable.

We learn to judge ourselves too deeply too early. We learn very early on that “someone’s going to think I’m fucked up for wanting this thing or that”, and our child’s mind clings to black and white meaning making, sorting ideas into “right” and “wrong”. As we grow, if we do not shed these early impressions and allow our thoughts to become more complex, our thoughts translate into things like “this person I love will get mad/grossed out/worried/stop loving me if I talk about this fucked up (wrong) thing I want”. And so unnecessary repression fills our bodies. We ache for things which we will not let ourselves have. Self-repression will always find a way to come out sideways though. Instead of sharing our intimate desires with our partners we end up blowing up in their faces when they’re in the middle of something which has nothing to do with us. We end up picking fights instead of rewinding back to that moment of impulse to say, “hey, you know what I really want tonight?”. Self-repression makes hearing the answer “no” hard for a lot of people too. However, it is the responsibility of each of us to fulfill our own destinies. It is no one else’s job to take care of your feelings after you blow up or engage in underhanded behaviors such as passive aggressiveness, withholding, manipulation, being untrustworthy, threatening, controlling, etc. Without learning to trust and love our own desires and speak about them, and instead of saying “can you help me?” or “who can help me?”, negative and abusive behaviors have become normalized and run rampant in our society.

Working at a sex store and teaching toy parties for a number of years, I found it fascinating to observe how people would talk about various sex or kink acts, games, toys, and body parts with objectification, disgust, denial, or dismissal. Usually the people who reacted the strongest to any of these conversations secretly desired to know more about them and were judging themselves for their curiosity, so felt a need to appear outwardly oppressive about whatever it was.

Curiosity, sex, sensuality, experimentation, and finding pleasure are what humans do though! We have these bodies exactly so that we can explore them as we desire. This sack of flesh and blood and bacteria is the only thing we have real control over in our years between birth and death. It is our means, our toolbag, and our primary universe for discovery.

Anal sex, pegging, male on male sexual play, degradation, threesomes, gangbangs, rape fantasy, ageplay, cuckolding (the list in inexhaustive)… All EXTREMELY common fantasies and forms of adult play. Yet these are the fantasies I’ve heard most people whisper about and confide to their affair partners and friends instead of their “monogamous” or even “open” lovers, if they speak them outloud to anyone at all. Until we stop whispering and start taking about our curiosities and desires openly easily fulfilled, normal, wonderful fantasies will continue to eat away at our senses of worth.

What if we could hear the word “no” and be excited and grateful someone else’s boundary was being bravely put forth? What if we could see our jealousies as information indicating we are not taking care of ourselves adequately, or that we need to find something for ourselves we have let slide, or that our boundaries are asking to be reevaluated? What if being attracted to someone outside of a relationship was cause for celebration and feelings of joy because finding someone attractive feels great and doesn’t always need action attached to it? What if we could appreciate one another sexually and sensually and not make unmet demands to have those fantasies fulfilled by treating the object of our interest as an object, but instead resiliently find those who share our interests or are game to play along?

Though human existence is messy, it’s also full of fertile information and opportunity. Acknowledging to ourselves and interacting with our desires or fantasies is invitation to knowing what we want. Owning what we want is invitation for growth.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

A is for ANAL SEX

Ultimate Anal Women CoverThis morning I was PM’d by a friend, and I gotta say her questions led to one of the best breakfast chats I’ve had in a while.  Here’s how it all went, and I’ll get a little more into the guts of my answers for you now that I’ve had more time to think and find references.  Everyone wins today!

Friend:  hey girl, two questions if/when you’re free…  can you recommend a good lube for anal penetration, as well as a good double penetration strap-on harness?
Me:  Ooh!  Let’s break this down (rubs hands together and starts typing furiously)…

Lube:  A lot of my friends love just plain ‘ol coconut oil (the kind in the jar that is solid at room temp) – I vote organic, and make sure there’s no other ingredients added to the stuff.  I have enjoyed silicone lube too a thicker one will be best.  You’re looking for viscousness, as the anus does not self lubricate it needs a lubricant that can stand up to friction and stay in place longer.  Thicker is generally better for anal.  There are a lot of lubes on the market specifically created with anal sex in mind, so ask your friendly sex store employee for their best recommendation too.

Toy and Barrier Considerations:  Remember that you can’t use silicone lube with silicone toys as the additive that keeps the lube in its liquid form will deteriorate the silicone in your toy over time.  No one wants that.  Coconut oil will work great with silicone, plastic, metal, glass, etc, but it should not be used with rubber latex – no oil products should mix with your rubber latex condoms, gloves, or other barriers.  Here’s where I recommend polyurethane condoms though!  In fact you can use any type of lube with these non-latex wonders, and they won’t irritate your partner with the latex sensitivity either.  Consider keeping some on hand (these are the type I use and swear by).

As for penetration toys, there are a lot of differently designed double-sided dildos out there that are meant to simultaneously pleasure the penetrator.  Some might work with a harness, though many won’t very well depending on your position, how they’re angled, and your individual anatomy.

In another configuration of the double penetration game, if you’re looking for a harness that will add a member onto your already-penis-wielding partner, or you’re looking to fix more than one toy to your body at a time, you can find harness designs out there that will work out.

Consider toys that are specifically designed for double penetration with harness use!  Also butt plugs… I’ll have to write more about toys in another blog – so many options!

Harnesses:  These are pretty varied in function, look, and design.  The journey of finding the perfect harness is a personal one that takes into account your needs for aesthetic, body type functionality, and usage compatibility.  I’d say it’s best to go to a store like Good Vibrations, Self Serve Toys, or another independent, sex positive, and educationally committed store for best results picking one out.  Look at their harness selection to see which ones you like best and can imaging wearing and being comfortable in.  Also think about which styles might be most compatible for the specific uses you have in mind.  In stores like these absolutely ask the staff what they think of each harness.  They’ll know the pros and cons of each and might point out an idea or issue you hadn’t considered.  I’ve found design flaws with harnesses over the years in pretty much every style that’s out there.  Some of those problems I can handle, and some annoy the crap out of me.  We’ll probably have different complaints, and different solutions will work for everyone.  Your harness should last you a long long time so it’s a good idea to take the time and do your research before purchasing.  Also consider this: thigh harnesses!

Friend:  also, one more thing:  is there a way to make anal sex pleasurable for women?  I’ve only had bad experiences.

Anal sex should be pleasurable:  Yes!  But it takes some amount of time and relaxation when you’re not quite comfortable with the idea or experienced (sometimes a LOT of time and relaxation).  Here’s some tips:

  • Start small (think pinky finger)
  • Go slow
  • Let the bottom be in control – as in it’s better to back onto an insertable than it is to be filled at someone else’s speed
  • LOTS ‘O LUBE
  • Read: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex For Women
  • Fingers are great starter toys because they’re connected to your brain and an inanimate object is not.  Fingers will more quickly register and be sensitive to any reaction or subtle movement during play, and that connection can help you troubleshoot what might feel better more immediately
  • HAVE FUN!
  • Be REALLY turned on and WANT IT.  The more turned on you are the better you’ll feel about what you’re doing
  • LOTS ‘O LUBE
  • Talk about your feelings with your partner(s) a whole bunch before playing so they have the opportunity to be sensitive to your reactions during play and know more about what your verbal or non-verbal cues might mean
  • Be verbal if you can – no pressure to be super sexy in your speech, but experiment and have fun and let your partner know what’s working, what you like, don’t like, would like more of, or try next
  • Be a scientist when you start out.  Try to stay present with what’s going on and observe yourself and your partner as you go along
  • Read: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men
  • Things like rimming, anal massage, and a lot of foreplay around your anal area are really great methods to help you more fully enjoy the penetrative act (should penetration be your goal to begin with).  I find rimming and anal massage to be wholly wonderful on their own too
  • Relaxation is key.  The moment you tense up is the moment you should slooooowwwwww dooowwwnnnnn again
  • Some people are afraid of the potential mess that could happen from anal play, and that hangup can make it hard to stay present during the act.  Think about and acknowledge how the subject plays into your feelings, and let your partners know.  Allow yourself to be prepared if this is something that concerns you:
    • You can take a shower beforehand
    • Have condoms, gloves, extra sheets or towels, etc available if that makes you feel safer and happier while playing
    • There’s nothing wrong with getting up in the middle of play and washing your hands, toys, or other body parts in preparation for the next part of play
    • And if this is not something that concerns you, great!

hmmm… anything else?  That’s most of what I’ve got off the top of my head…

You still there, or have you started playing yet?…

Bueller?

End chat I guess…

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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