Photo by M

I’m quite excited about this topic, sex geek that I am, because it marries so well sexual technique and devious kinky desires!  Orgasm control is a technique with many names in the sexuality education community.  Books have been written about it, and it is generally agreed that this technique is a wonderful way to help people have longer lasting and more enjoyable orgasms.  Obviously in the hands of the kinky community, creative applications are numerous and rewarding in slightly different ways as well.

So…  what IS Orgasm Control?  Edging, surfing, prolonged orgasm, being a tease…  the list goes on, and the technique is employed across the board.  Basically it goes a little like this:  You build yourself (or your partner) up to the point of orgasm without climaxing, without going over the edge, then you stop.  Repeat as many times as you like.  This technique can be used in partnered sex or during your very own alone time, and what it does usually is make the final release of your orgasm (when you finally do let yourself go over that edge) a much more intense experience.  It allows you to build your sexual energy and desire for release up to an extent that will feel oh-so-great!  None of that instant gratification quickie style orgasming here, only good old fashioned slow sex, homemade the way your grandparents did it.

Why is Orgasm Control Kinky?  Well, application, my Dear Readers, application!  Why is anything kinky:  because you make it so.  There are pretty common kinky applications of this technique like

  • Incorporating chastity play into the mix and making your playfellow “edge” a certain number of times without release over a long period of time (minutes, hours, days…)
  • Training your sub to always ask permission to come
  • Love of control / Love of submission
  • To train your partner to elongate the amount of time they can be stimulated before coming
  • To train your body to separate orgasm from ejaculation (if you always do them at the same time)
  • There is another form of Orgasm Control that a lot of kinky people employ which has an ultimate goal of training the sub to orgasm on verbal command, rather than from physical touch (though this is a lot trickier to accomplish and requires a lot of different techniques over a period of time that may or may not end up being for naught)
  • Because it’s a fun game, and isn’t that the real reason we’re kinky to begin with?

My control issues:  I have been in a relationship where I was told I was not allowed to come without permission.  It was awesome, actually, and surprisingly emotional at times.  To put my love, my physical reactions, respect and obedience, and ultimately my trust that my pleasure would be valued to the point that my orgasm should be put into the hands of my partner, was a tall order.  A tall order though, that paid off in a lot of pleasure, trust, and bonding.

There were times I wanted to defy the “no” I received when I was about to climax and every cell in my body wanted to scream “COME ON?!!!!”, and there were times I wanted to cry, and then there were times I felt privileged to have this person near my body caring so exquisitely about my journey during our intimacy.  Those moments made everything beautiful, made everything fall into place in my heart, my breath, my body.  I wanted this.

Masturbation is another area I’ve successfully used this technique, and I have to say that every time I end up wasted, happy, centered, and breathing!  Alive!  I highly recommend the treat when you want to give yourself the time, or the gift if you want to give your partner a challenge (NOTHING wrong with being told “you need to edge 7 times today before I see you next”…  you might just go for 20…  just sayin’).

Things to consider:  Consent.  Any time you want to take anyone’s pleasure in hand, consent and information about what works and doesn’t work for the person is really important – we want this to stay sexy, right?  For example, one thing I realized while negotiating orgasm control with my partner was that because I have a hard time coming to orgasm to begin with, coupling orgasm control with chastity play where I wouldn’t be allowed to release was a limit for me.  My partner doesn’t have the same psychological or emotional reactions to giving over control of an orgasm, and so that idea hadn’t seemed like a tricky one to navigate.  It was a really good thing we able to communicate about those things and find what about the idea worked for both of us.  Research.  Also consider watching videos, reading articles or books, and checking out other sources of information about orgasm control if you want to get more heavily into it.  Start Slowly.  And check in often or talk about what’s working and what isn’t working as you go.  Adjust for greatest pleasure!  Go team!

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

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~Thank you.


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