Guest Writer: Learning to Scene, Negotiate, and Follow Through

This week’s blog is from a writer who has shared some of their thoughts and experiences about learning to scene with their partner and get over some performance anxiety.  I love how the perspective this person shares is one that’s committed to growing knowing they do not have all the answers and often feel at a loss.  I find it to be a refreshing and inspirational article.  I hope you enjoy it too, I think the experiences outlined in this are very common, especially for people new to play.  Do you have stories or thoughts to share from your own experiences?  Email me at Karin @ ABCsOfKink . com

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

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Photo by Liftarn

Photo by Liftarn

Learning to Scene, Negotiate, and Follow Through

I’ve recently been negotiating scenes with my partner in an attempt to hold myself accountable for following through with plans. It’s not that I don’t want to follow through. I really do. It’s just I get nervous. I don’t feel comfortable divulging fantasies I may have. Even though my partner really wants to hear about them.

I think part of it is that I don’t feel comfortable advocating for my wants or desires. It’s not that I think I don’t deserve what I desire, I just don’t feel right talking about it. Sure, I can advocate for my own needs when no one else is present; when I am only concerned with making myself happy. Maybe it’s a control issue for me. A coping mechanism I learned when I was younger.

Part of me thinks no one but myself will want to know about my desires, let alone enjoy them with me. So it’s sometimes hard for me to let someone, even my partner, know what I desire. When I do try and follow through with plans, let my partner know what I want, it’s hard for me to hear that my partner might not be ok with whatever it is I am saying. Now, my current partner isn’t ever not ok with what I want because she is appalled or disgusted by what I am asking of her. She just sometimes doesn’t feel like I think of her experience when I am telling her about the scene I want to coordinate. That, historically, has made me react and feel like I am not doing something right. After multiple scenes like this, I realized I needed to change.

One thing I realized I was doing was defensively reacting to my partner’s honest, important, and great questions or concerns during negotiation. When I assumed she was telling me about what I wasn’t doing well, I totally missed out on her safety concerns and attempts at helping me think more clearly and fully about what I was proposing.

I didn’t know how to change this at first, but one day, the day before we were supposed to have a scene (and this had happened before every planned scene prior), I was having performance anxieties, I was feeling doubt, and I was generally fearful to the point that I was making myself sick. So, instead of sitting with it and hoping it would go away, I told my partner about it. It was because I told her about these fears that I was able to get over them and have some really great discussions. The reason I enjoyed these conversations so much is because it was at that moment I realized I had control over my fears. They didn’t have to dictate the outcome of the scene I wanted to have and enjoy.

Since then, I still get nervous butterflies, though they aren’t the type of feelings that make me feel nauseous and it’s not difficult for me to get past those feelings and connect with my partner. In trying to keep communication open, I have come to the conclusion that starting and maintaining a connection isn’t as difficult as I have made it out to be. Connection is incredibly important and easy to establish, and once you connect it’s not difficult to stay connected. If I lose my connection, I take a breath, check in, and get connected again. I have found connection is the difference between having a really enjoyable experience and having an un-enjoyable one.

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~Thank you.

Be an ABCs contributor: Do you have a story or perspective to share about kink or would you like to promote a kinky event? Email Karin directly at: Karin @ ABCsOfKink . com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site. Don’t know what to write about? Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently. Happy writing, and thanks!

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