All Things Connected

My character "Amanda" who is eternally 9 1/2 months pregnant with twins...

My character “Amanda” who is eternally 9 1/2 months pregnant with twins…

My body wants to be impregnated.  It’s a thing.  I never really believed in the whole ‘ticking clock’ concept until it hit me a couple years ago.  Wicked.  Hard.  And now I find myself enjoying sex in ways I never have before.  My body demands that I do, it has preferences these days that were not anywhere near the top of my previous lists for green light activities…

I am 35 going on 36.  I mentioned to my doctor that I was having these desires, and she told me that if I hurried up and got pregnant today, that I’d have what they call a “geriatric pregnancy”.  Lovely.  My two rules for having a kid are that:

  1. I am a part of a community that wants to raise the kid with me
  2. I have a career that can both sustain the kid’s needs and provide opportunities for us to travel and learn on the road

Not sure I have these things in line yet…

And also, what does this have to do with kink?  Well, it certainly has to do with desires – primal ones at that.  It puts me in a position where I have the opportunity to (and probably should anyhow) face some of the fears and boundaries I’ve had in place since starting out on my sexual journey.  The urge for pregnancy has led me to actually enjoy/want/need straight up boring ‘ol sex in the midst of my pain play and power struggle kink dynamics (the ones that historically really get me going) – it spins my head for a loop.

A little about my past…

I was roped into my first sexual experience around the age of 4.  It was a coercive situation of the type that kids who have been abused themselves recreate for their “friends”.  Unfortunately I was the next kid in this 7 year old’s chain of inappropriate and harmful behaviors.  To make matters worse the evening I was coerced, I ended up being punished for breaking the rules and being out of my bed directly after escaping from the kid who had just fucked with me.  My father didn’t know what had happened, he only knew I had done what I had been warned not to.  I did not say anything, I didn’t know how to, and so took my punishment silently and lived unquestioningly with exponentially growing consequences for decades after.

It is unfortunate that at that age I couldn’t separate out all the things that had happened that night in my emotional or rational brain.  The reality of that night’s events set me up for a long period of really messed up values when it came to sex and my sexual confidence.  I lived for a long time with an inability to feel safe saying ‘no’, and at the same time everything I wanted to do and put myself in the situation of attaining were situations tainted with guilt and held back with a heavy leash of fear.  These consequences are ones I’m still untangling in very real ways:  I have intense trust issues, I don’t feel safe about sexual activities unless my partner is speaking directly and clearly with me about what’s happening, I need sexual partners who are really good at deciphering whether I’m present and in the room when we’re being sexual (which is an extremely hard skill and I thank most gratefully the people who have been able to do this), I don’t orgasm unless I’m the one making it happen, it is rare that I feel at ease when my partner is turned on unless I am the one who has instigated the seduction… … it goes on …  all in all there are a number of big fat reasons I enjoy kinky activities waaaay more than I’ve ever enjoyed sex, and the need for overt negotiation is right at the center of it.

So, back to this pregnancy thing…  The intensity of my desires has forced me to look at the reasons why I haven’t felt safe in the past, and figure out how to both safely and responsibly have a responsive and healthy sexual reality today.  It has inspired me to look more closely at the ways I can value myself sexually and find confidence in my play, my approaches, rejections, and realities.

Where kink has demanded transparency, trust, honesty, and clear communication from my partners and myself, my ticking clock has taken notes and is teaching me that these things apply to my sexual health too.  In wanting to create new life, I am slowly and steadily grounding within my own.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

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~Thank you.

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