Photo by RADskillZ Photography 2013
Why do I love the sex work that I do? Simple. It feels amazing to connect with individuals and couples and to help them find that place of openness which leads to a delicious exchange of sensual energy. That’s really most of it, sometimes done with whips and blindfolds, sometimes with massage oil, sometimes with my voice or command… It feels incredible when a person lets me in and I get to guide them through a new experience or show them how easy and sexy and rewarding communication can be. I enjoy seduction, I love everything about it. In a very grown-up way this work defies “growing up”. The adult playground is a reality I love to share with others (call me Pan)… Negotiation, consent, seduction, and positive experiences abound. I’m into it!
Individuals I’ve worked with have told me they were able to enjoy activities they’d never thought of before or were nervous about, that after our sessions they were able to communicate with their other partner(s) better, and some clients have brought techniques I taught them home for more satisfying sensual connections there. I’ve been informed that my energy and guidance felt natural, built organically over the course of a scene, and that I was easy to work with and learn from. I’ve been told that people consistently found themselves enjoying experiences they were nervous to try or worried they wouldn’t like, and so were able to learn something new about themselves. I’ve been told by couples I’ve worked with that they felt very confident trying new things with me, and that they were able to communicate more openly and creatively with their partners after a session or two of us working together. I’ve been told that working with me felt like a safe place to open up and grow.
I love this work. How could I not?!
My solo show is entitled “NO SHAME”, and that’s an idea I’m serious about when it comes to sensual and sexual things. I think it’s important that we’re able to differentiate which parts of that feeling, shame, have been thrust upon us or taught to us in reaction to certain stimulus, and which parts of that feeling come from an authentic place inside meant to teach us about our own personal boundaries or current needs. Shame is not a useful feeling when used to limit oneself out of fear. It often leads to self-repression. Self-repression is a scary tool when employed over a long period of time, and can be traced to a lot of inappropriate and harmful behaviors including outright abuse.
Just think what the world might be like if instead of feeling bad about our sexual and sensual needs, we were celebrated by our communities for discovering more about what makes us happy and turned on. Imagine if we were taught about consent and sensual/sexual negotiation and good communication skills, rather than repeatedly mis-informed about sex and steeped in a lifetime of superficial and harmful stigma related to the subject. I believe we’d be better at communicating with one another in general, and we’d probably be happier in our day to day realities too.
Despite my desire to examine shame and banish it from one’s primary experience of sexuality, I think it’s also a really good guidepost for learning more about what we need and desire from ourselves and others. When I feel an authentic pang of shame (rather than a reactionary dose of the feeling) it’s often because I realize I didn’t do the best job communicating with someone, or I realize I may have caused unwelcome unease or pressure in a situation. This information let’s me know I should be paying more attention, that I can do better, and that a follow-up conversation or a check-in might be in order.
Shame is a good reminder to slow down and check in with myself: do I think I pressured someone into a thing? Could I have negotiated what happened more clearly? How did the persons(s) I was negotiating or playing with actually respond to or communicate with me? Do I need to have a follow-up or check-in about anything? Does my feeling of shame come from my own boundaries being pushed or ignored? Could I have been clearer about what I wanted? How would I articulate what I need now if I was to articulate what I failed to before? Am I simply worried I did something wrong and that there may be consequences forthcoming, and can I work to let that feeling go (this one is specific to my own baggage/anxiety, but I’m sure it’s not uncommon)? What can I give myself now, or ask for from another person, to actively address, heal, or release the discomfort I’m feeling?
I remember the first time I had a threesome in college. It was a great night, but I woke up the next morning worried I’d done something wrong or that I was bad. I called my mom to process, and she just asked me a few really clear questions: “Did you have fun? Did everyone else have fun? Did anyone get hurt?”… When I answered, “Yes, yes, and no”, she replied, “Then I don’t think you need to feel bad about it, I think you can let yourself enjoy that experience.”
Thanks Mom!
These are some of the ways I’ve learned to address my own feelings of shame — a common foil to deeper connection with those around me. When I’ve spoken up rather than hid behind the feeling, often really wonderful conversations (and sometimes hard ones) have been had. Healing and growth can result, and even better experiences are waiting in the wings when I acknowledge what feels good, or with an open mind and heart, what doesn’t.
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature
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~Thank you.
