Last night I hit a wall. I’m tired of being so angry. Deeply grounded anger has been in me for so long, and for so many reasons. Fair warning: this post is a passionate one…

I look back through my life, and since I was a child I can remember yelling at sexist, abusive, men-will-be-men fuckers who were in charge of my body, my education, my well being, my financial opportunities, my access to institutions that produce art, my safety, and on and on…

However, the letting go of anger turns into an internalized malaise and depression and because of that

I
Just
Hurt.

I can’t fix it. There’s no fixing to be done. Just deescalation, if that’s possible, over eons of time. Now is not a time of deescalation though. Everywhere I turn there’s another reminder, another slander, another insensitivity, another trigger steamrolled over, another same old song and dance as soon as the waves calm… is this thing ever going to get better?

My anger and this depression is in my body, and there’s nothing to do but keep on feeling it. Keep on processing. Keep soldiering on.

It isn’t fair. It’s never been fair. I don’t even know if “fair” is the point at the end of the day, but this shit is pathological and persistent, not just “unequal but we’ll catch you on the flip-side”, it’s insidious, demented, and strong. I’m tired of keeping my chin up. I’m tired of soldiering on. I’m tired of calmly explaining the state of the world, the state of my body, what it feels like to be abused and denied basic help, what it’s like to be ignored or attacked every single day in some grand scale or microscopic way… I’m sick of regulating my breath and slowing my pulse down so I can speak clearly while I break all this shit down, over and over again. It’s as if I’m teaching a goddamn child every time I’m put on the spot by someone else’s bigotry, misogyny, classism, racism, ignorance, finger pointing, or other fucking railroading bullshit spun in my direction to put their discomfort squarely onto me. I’m tired of holding up my friends who are hurt, because that’s what we do in community to keep ourselves alive or some semblance of sane. It’s been a really long road, holding lots of people up and I’m tired. I’m stuck in this forever-lasting game of “keep the balloon in the air”, and all of us forced into playing are constantly almost hitting the floor while we try to juggle our lives at the same time, fed fairytale hopes through the media machine about how bootstraps can guide you into middle class. We’re fucking understaffed and people keep having to call out because they can’t get out of bed — most of that brought about by actual abuse whether it be rape, harassment, the one millionth rejection in a week just because of who someone is, loved ones being killed, or or or or or or or… and I know compared to many I have it really good.

I’m tired of the bitterness I hear from all sides — righteous bitterness even. Sometimes being reminded of the things I’m furious about when I’m not feeling mad makes me want to curl up and die. I’m exhausted from feeling alone and separated from friends because we’d rather actually be 1s and 0s to each other than risk playing in the woods or looking into one another’s faces when feelings, writ large, spread visibly. I do it too, I hide in my workaholism because I don’t feel safe outside, and I don’t know where else to go to but into my mind. When my cat, Tamlin, dies I’ll probably turn to ash instantaneously — what’s the point of living if you can’t be calmed by the love of a familiar who doesn’t care about your race, sex, gender, orientation, physical abilities, prettiness, social position, or wealth as long as you feed and care for them lovingly?

This country has a serious problem with loving, and it starts with the self. I’m pretty sure the advertisement industry has a stake in self-loathing no matter what the effects or consequences. I’m pretty sure the church and politicians are only too happy to keep that game going. People who love themselves and aren’t afraid of their neighbors are exponentially harder to manipulate than “believers”, and you profit off of them by way of money and power much, much less easily.

I’m sick of the insane lies that come out of the mouths of people who should know better, and I’m sick of the conflations and ignorant tales told by people who wish this stupid fucking world was more simple than it actually is. Please read some articles from non (or less) partisan sources. I’m rabid about the people in power who manipulate just as sure as they breathe, eat, and blink. Never have I understood the Red Queen’s rallying cries more, “OFF WITH HER HEAD! OFF WITH HIS HEAD! OFF WITH THE WHOLE DAMN SYSTEM’S HEADS!!!!”

We do not live in a Democracy, we live in an Aristocratic Oligarchy. The idea that “We, the People” are pulling any strings with levers in a ballot box has been disproved time and time again. When will that change? What do we do to make this civilization listen? How many black people, brown people, red people, women, queers, and other minorities have to be strangled slowly in the town’s center before we stop accepting the example we’re being fed and turn against these abusers once and for all?

Do we not understand that we are in this together?!

I’m sick of the pettiness and fearmongering used to control people where they eat. I am livid that people who have done wrong continually refuse to acknowledge deeper truths through the practice of self-examination. No growth, just doubling down seems to be the rallying call of our hierarchy. And the cycle keeps going, abuse after abuse after abuse… none of this is right.

I believe we are better than this — not even that deep down inside. Most of us are capable of getting back up relatively gracefully when we fall. Most of us are capable of learning, of apologizing, of becoming a better more whole person not despite of but BECAUSE OF strife. FUCK ALL THE DINOSAURS WHO CAN’T GET IT TOGETHER BECAUSE THEIR WEAK-ASS, CATERED-TO LIVES HAVEN’T TOUGHENED THEM UP ENOUGH TO PLAY FAIR, CHANGE THE COURSE, OR APOLOGIZE.

THE REST OF US HAVE DEGREES IN DISCOMFORT.

THE REST OF US HAVE LEARNED SURVIVAL IN THE FACE OF UNETHICAL AND HARMFUL DISTRIBUTION OF WEALTH AND POWER TO THE DETRIMENT OF OUR EVERYDAY LIVES INCLUDING HOUSING, FOOD, AND ADEQUATE RESOURCES FOR AN ERODED SENSE OF SAFETY OR MENTAL HEALTH. THE REST OF US HAVE TAKEN BEATINGS IN THE MOST INCENDIARY WAYS SINCE BIRTH AND WE STILL GET SHIT DONE IN THE MORNING.

If I don’t deserve a living wage for the work that I do, a lying rapist piece of shit certainly doesn’t DESERVE a job sitting in judgment of our country’s A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. The F.B.I. had better do their due diligence, and if our president isn’t impeached and sent to prison soon there’s no way I believe in justice, the American Dream, or Democracy. Not in this country.

I’m speaking of unfairness at a level I cannot condone or even rightly comprehend fully, and though it’s been going on forever, it somehow feels worse these days.

To be really clear, I DID report the gym teacher who touched me, and NOTHING came of it, even after my parent’s got involved and it was admitted that I was not the first to report him. He responded to his slap on the wrist (by the male administration) with more harassment and trying to corner me the next chance he got, which was at our next gym class. This is only one rather tame resurfacing of the facts I get to keep replaying in my brain, from my plethora lived stories, these weeks while the nation debates whether or not someone with multiple rape charges against him gets to sit in highest court and decide whether Roe v. Wade will be overturned and what limitations of rights I have over my own body should I happen to get knocked up… Oh yeah, and there’s a “sexy handmaid’s tale” costume being sold through Yandy, in case you want a jump on that before the uniform becomes mandatory.

Do you know what it feels like to freeze and lose control of your body because someone is touching you in a way that they shouldn’t? Do you know what it’s like to black out when you’re being yelled at, and no matter how many times you repeat the word “stop” to have no recourse but to wait, curling into an ever and ever tighter ball on the floor until it’s over? Do you know what that does to your head when it’s over, and you “didn’t stand up to your abuser”? Do you know how long it takes to piece that shattering back together? Time and time again?

You smile, you fucking loser.

I AM FURIOUS ABOUT BEING IGNORED AFTER SPEAKING UP.
I AM FURIOUS THAT “REPORTING” DOES NOTHING TO CHANGE THE GODDAMN SYSTEM — THE SYSTEM WAS CREATED TO KEEP IMBALANCE OF POWER A SUSTAINABLE REALITY AT THE MERCY OF SECOND CLASS CITIZENS, AND WE KNOW WHO WE ARE. WE’RE NOT TAKING IT AS QUIETLY THESE DAYS.

Don’t fuck with survivors. This isn’t a men against women thing, it’s a get your fucking shit in order thing. It’s a break the abuse cycle thing. It’s a grow and learn to empathize and be a better community member thing.

Is there any doubt why I am who I have grown to be? Why I create the things I create? Why I love and support the people I do? Why I educate? Why I art? Why I have zero ability to work in a corporate environment, and I cannot face enacting my art through the “normal” channels available to me if I’d just simply audition?

I have something to fucking say.

I’m drowning in an unfair system that stacks cards this way and that, treated as though being poor is my choice and something I should be shameful for. I’ve had my voice and my body taken away from me over and over again, and have been told there’s something wrong with my body and my voice in the first place. IF ONE MORE FUCKING PERSON OR INSTITUTION CENSORS ME IN THE NEXT YEAR I’M SERIOUSLY GOING TO FLIP. MY. SHIT.

And I swear:

Like blood running down my thighs every month since the age of 13, the revolution is coming. It’s the most natural thing in the world. You either learn to take care of your business, or every month it gets worse…

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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