On Being Selfish

Photo by Becca A. Lewis

Photo by Becca A. Lewis

I was telling my partner what felt good to me while being asked to do something.  After hearing me out, my partner asked what the difference between these four asks was:

I think you should paint your toes.

I really like seeing your toes painted, and it’s been a while.

I really like seeing your toes painted and it’s been a while.  Will you paint them?

I really like seeing your toes painted and it’s been a while.  Will you paint them for me?

Below is a short explanation of what I had to say.  Please keep in mind that this is my response and you are completely within your right to adamantly disagree with everything I have to say, and your relationships do not have to end up looking anything like mine, so long as we all find our bliss somewhere.

“I think you should paint your toes.” A command.  It is not necessary in a command to find connection with me when letting me know what is desired.  I will most likely feel a little confused or panicked (my baggage, not yours) about why he wants this, what it means, whether or not I can engage a discussion about it, etc.  This is not my favorite way to be asked for anything; in fact I find it emotionally and pleasurably distancing.  Someday I may not find it abrasive, or I may desire to feel that way – there will be a lot of trust-water under the bridge when that day comes.

“I really like seeing your toes painted, and it’s been a while.”  This is not a question.  My partner is passively topping, and I really like to be asked questions.  It just feels respectful.  I am likely to feel annoyed that he isn’t actually asking me for anything, yet seemingly expects me to give him what he’s mentioned.  This does not feel like a partnership proposition to me, nor a D/s engagement, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to get out of it when I’m not even being asked.

“I really like seeing your toes painted and it’s been a while.  Will you paint them?”  Now we’re starting to get somewhere.  Technically there is nothing whatsoever wrong with this question.  For me though, I still do not know what I am supposed to get out of it.  I like doing things for my partner, that is a major motivation for me.  This question feels like an upkeep request rather than a connected and loving desire I can fulfill.

“I really like seeing your toes painted and it’s been a while.  Will you paint them for me?”  Ahh, yes!!!  This one fits like a glove.  I am being told that I am appreciated, that my partner likes something about the way I look and desires to see me look that way, and I am being asked to do it for him.  For some reason those two tiny little words make all the difference to me.  All of a sudden I find myself smiling and actually desiring to say yes.  I feel giddy from the request, and I think giddiness is one of the major reasons I signed on to D/s in the first place.

After hearing all this he said he understood and wanted to make me feel that way, but he had a hard time phrasing questions in terms of “for him”.  It was scary and it made him feel selfish.  “But Doms are supposed to be selfish”, I said with a grin.  In reality what I meant is that I enjoy making my partner happy, and to do that I need my partners to be just selfish enough to tell me exactly what makes them happy.  I pointed out that s-types (read that term as you like: submissives, bottoms, slaves, or whichever label you most enjoy) are supposed to be selfish too – I feel completely selfish when my back is being bitten from top to bottom (one of my favorite activities), and I just lie back passively and take it with complete and utter bliss.  I know that my partner likes what they’re doing, and I know my partner likes my true response to the moment, so why would I rob my partner of their pleasure by being one ounce less than selfish in that scenario?

Perhaps this is one of the greatest reasons I’ve discovered to date to have a D/s dynamic – to have it written into the rules that it is ok to ask your partner for the things you most desire, and to know that they wouldn’t be in the relationship if they weren’t open to (at the very least) just that.

PS:  It’s pretty damn selfish for me to have asked to be spoken to in certain ways anyhow, I think 😉

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

Darkness

10155822_10203035740669556_2811290342512423321_nFrom nothing comes something, and in the end we disintegrate, back into darkness.

This window of time we have is an explosion of opportunity.  Bright lights, loud noises, the feeling of your muscles and bones lifting, creating, working toward some goal.  Yet forces of depression, confusion, and tension invade also…  Lying in wait.  Obscuring the vision.  Focus shifts in and out and there is no safety net below.

You are here.  Now.

Desire becomes pain becomes one single step in a direction that could take you anywhere.  This definition of fear is movement.  The wind blows strong.  Know her.

Is there any action granted greater meaning than your moment?  What are you aware of?  What are you ready for?  What makes your body tick, vibrate, move, suck air in, expel again, fall back onto the sidewalk of life knowing something, anything, new? In charge of destiny for a moment (you believe), accept now the headlong hurdle of life.  Feel it moving forward, stopping never.  Not in moments of happiness, not in death, sickness, pain, or climax.  The stomach still needs food, the lungs must swell, your mouth will salivate in the throes of despair; you will lust.

That voice that knows something past this moment will speak up someday again, soon…  you shall be able to listen and move.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

U is for UNIFORMS

Image by Sue Clark

Paper Girl with six changes.  Image by Sue Clark

MAN IN A UNIFORM,

THAT’S WHAT I AM…

crooned Prince from the speakers on stage.  It was 2002, and this rare recording was the music my first Drag King solo performance was set to.  I appeared on stage gyrating to the song, seducing the crowd with what smoldering energy I could dressed in a mechanic’s coveralls.  At just the right moment I moved to unbutton my jumper, revealing a full business suit underneath.  I then danced and flirted my way off with those clothes too, down to cowboy garb complete with chaps, then off with that and ended in packed boxer briefs, a beater covering my bound chest, and shit-kicker boots, my razorback mohawk standing straight up after I tossed the cowboy hat.  I danced off leaving the stage a complete, utter and slightly damp mess.

Uniforms hold within them power:  The power of suggestion, the promise of a new experience, of realistic or fantasy expectations, and for some people uniforms hold muscle memory and visceral cues to act, think, perform, or play a certain way.  My personal experience with uniforms mostly encompasses situations where I’ve donned them for others (onstage and off), or being caught in character after a show before changing and … …  (slow fuzzy fade to black).

I think there is a strange and wonderful thing that happens when you are allowed for a moment to wear someone else’s clothes and play a new part.  Identity becomes a more malleable and inspired construction of the moment, it is a place where you can play out a voice, a position, an idea you would never have the moxie to try “in real life”.

What are uniforms?  Uniforms are pieces of clothing meant to signify a job or membership of a group.  Uniforms themselves often come around to signifying character traits that might match the job/position as well – the stern army Sargent, the townie mechanic, the stiff doddering professor, the curious or sadistic scientist, the innocent schoolgirl, the kind nurse, the misunderstood rebel, the frightening and unstoppable cyborg…  And so we start to associate clothing with a character type or caricature.  Certainly these characters are not real three-dimensional people to be played realistically out (unless you’re really serious about your role playing), these character traits are not us portraying ourselves either, and yet one’s “feel” for the actions of their character when dressed in specific clothing can allow one to explore what someone else’s sexuality, relations, or life might feel like.  Stepping into someone else’s closet can be a very powerful place to explore and play.

While uniforms can signify a particular character or “type”, they can also be employed for other reasons.  Sometimes a person has a fantasy or fetish that is clothing specific where the dress itself (rather than the person or character in it) turns them on, someone may have a relationship with a particular uniform and categorically find a person wearing those clothes undeniable/sexy/frightening/etc, or someone may have had an experience with a uniformed person in their past and employing that kind of dress in play could be a way to either reconnect with those feelings or conquer the association.  Not unlike puppet play in youth therapy sessions, an adult exploring a scenario with a uniformed partner might help them work out a whole array of thoughts, feelings, experiences, or desires.

US_Navy_041018-N-0000X-001_The_Navy_introduced_a_set_of_concept_working_uniforms_for_Sailors_E-1_through_O-10,_Oct._18th,_in_response_to_the_fleet's_feedback_on_current_uniformsWhy Uniforms?  When a person dons a uniform for any kind of play they may find themselves also stepping into a mind frame not their own.  It isn’t just the caricature they have in mind of what someone wearing those clothes must be like, it’s the physical reality of the dress that can influence their instincts.  A stiff, well fitting suit will support your spine causing you to walk more upright, a short skirt might limit how you fold your legs when you sit, or cause you to keep you hands closer to your lap for as-needed adjustments, loose comfortable clothing encourages one’s body to move freely and be relaxed in an environment…  As you can see, the uniform itself starts to dictate your actions, kinesthetic impulses, and mind frame.

For play, uniforms are wonderful because they are so specific yet also so generally recognizable.  There is something for everyone!  Every pin, pleat, accessory, and detail is fodder for praise by the detail oriented lover, and for someone who isn’t nearly as standard issue about their commands, the appetite might be appeased with a correctly colored and shaped assemblage of clothes found at the nearby second hand shop which outlines the character desired clearly enough, and then there’s the “sexy ___” halloween array of fantasy uniforms always available for cheap somewhere nearby.  You don’t have to spend hundreds on authentic vintage such and such to make your point (though say that to a gear fetishist and get a prompt argument, I’m sure).

My cyborg uniform stretches the meaning, but gets the job done!

My cyborg uniform stretches the meaning, but gets the job done!

My costume closet:  is extensive.  I am a character actor by trade, and my characters have been created for drag, burlesque, performance art, street theater, comedy shows, and other varieties of events.  It’s funny, but when I was younger I dated a few people who would see me after a show, before I had changed out of my last character’s costume, and be really turned on.  For a long time this was a hard thing for me to be open to…  First there’s the boring and professional thought nagging in the back of my head that this is a prop/costume/work item that I’m wearing and have created for the character I play, and what if something happens to it…  Then I realize how hard it is for me to NOT be in character when I’m wearing that character’s clothes (and not all of my characters turn me on/or should probably turn my partners on)…  and third, there was a really big reservation or worry that perhaps my partner wasn’t attracted to me as much as they were the character I was portraying.  Maybe they were so turned on because they wanted someone who wasn’t me to be sexual with (which to my slightly damaged sexual identity felt awful at the time).  But the couple times I engaged in play while dressed back in the day, were insanely hot.  So I got over some of that (though being a workaholic, I try to have separate costumes for play these days).

When in uniform I find a freedom to act up that I don’t always feel in the bedroom.  It can flow through me when I’m not expected to be myself.  A door opens in my psyche that allows me to not worry so much about every thing I do – after all, it isn’t me doing these things…  And more than once I’ve discovered something in that moment of confident otherness that I kept in my own bag of tricks for later use.  If you listen closely uniforms can be incredibly knowledgeable in the language of seduction!

So, happy moonlighting as whatever you please, my friends.  Unlock some unseen POV through playacting, find a new voice, or feel the power of a character unlike your own.  It’s strange what-all is inside you if you just let it come out to play.  Happy finding!

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

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