ABCs Of Kink

Overnight Guests When Everyone is Not Poly

August 13, 2014 by ABCs Of Kink

This week my partner and I have been exploring the idea of what to do when you live with someone with whom you share a primary relationship, yet only one of you is polyamorous and has other partners. How does this effect your living situation? How does this effect your ability to entertain at a home you both share? Are sleepovers allowed? I wanted to share some thoughts and solutions we’ve come across asking this question to others, and some troubleshooting ideas we’ve pondered on our own…

Some people have no problem with this idea~ “No problem” meaning that the poly person in the relationship is free to have other partners over to the house for various activities, and the mono person in the partnership feels comfortable with that arrangement. Some strategies we’ve heard that make this reality more accessible are:

The mono person in the relationship approves, likes, and/or has a friendship with the poly partner’s other partners. In this situation building the expectation of strong metamour relationships helps to keep everyone’s feelings of trust and safety intact.
One person mentioned that things between everyone involved in the situation were copacetic once all three of them sat down and had a conversation face to face together about what worked best for each of them. This cleared up misunderstandings as well as put people’s guilty feelings to rest about where the poly partner “should” sleep each night. Everyone got a say, and in the end everyone felt respected and as though their needs had been heard and were being met.
Another arrangement some people reported was that as long as the poly partner spent the night with the mono partner, the poly person was free to invite their other partner over. In this scenario a secondary/other partner was welcome into the house for sexual and kink play, but at the end of the night the poly partner spent the night with their mono primary.

Some people are willing to have overnight guests as long as really specific boundaries are in place~ Not everyone is particularly happy sharing their poly partner with others, though they may be very tolerant and desire to be supportive. These people seemed to need particular rituals or rules clearly negotiated in order to find comfort and calm in the sharing of a partner in their home. A few I’ve read are:

As long as the mono partner is not at home it’s ok to have sexual activity in the home or overnight guests stay over.
As long as no one feels “kicked out of bed” it’s ok. One account outlines that everyone sleeps together in a California King master bed. The rule in this arrangement is that when bedtime approaches everyone is welcome into the bed for snuggling and sleeping, and sexual activity between all parties desists.

Sometimes this situation is not going to work for your relationship~ And that’s ok as long as everyone in the relationship is able to negotiate to a point that feels respectful and honest about their needs. Relationships that could not find a healthy agreement about hosting overnight guests have troubleshooted in some of these ways:

Having secondary/other partners who have a space of their own to go to, and who do not mind always hosting.
Hotel rooms, taking advantage of business trips, or planning away time or vacations with the non-primary partner.
Arranging for friends with an extra bedroom to host overnight plans between the poly partner and their secondary/other partners. In this scenario one might create an exchange with another poly couple so that the mono partner in the situation would sleep in their house under the roof of friends who are being intimate in their partner’s bedroom, but not under the same roof as their partner and someone else having romantic or sexual time together.

The most popular general option we noted was that all people in the equation have their own bedrooms. This was coupled frequently with the opinion that “marital beds” or the bedroom of the mono partner be a sacred space where metamours are not welcome to stay or get sexy in.

Another tenet of making what I like to call the “advanced math” of sexuality work is communication, communication, communication!!! Without clear negotiation between all parties it is too easy for one partner or another to feel unsafe or untrusting in the relationship, and ultimately still uncomfortable or unhappy about the practices that ensue.

Some of the discussion was further complicated (or uncomplicated) by there being a D/s component to the mono/poly relationship. Some submissives expressed feeling as though the Dominant partner (when the D-type partner was the polyamorous one) should have say over how things will go in the relationship. Therefore when the D-type laid down the expectation of multiple partners and cohabitation guidelines it was the s-type’s job to accept that circumstance and work with it (to the degree that the D/s relationship also felt safe and secure to the s-type).

Whatever your relationship though, whatever your dynamic, there are always creative ways to find happiness. If you are committed to having the things you need, and you are committed to your partners’ safety and security within your partnerships (and vice versa), it shouldn’t be too hard to find a way to make your situation work. The only people who can find the answer that shall work best for you and your partners is you and your partners. However, community definitely aids in the process of inventing any wheel, making it potentially a faster and less painful journey for all involved, so I highly recommend finding other people engaged in similar relationship models to yours if you can and gathering that support. I am inspired by the wealth of information and resourcefulness people who find themselves problem-solving against the grain hold. These creative courageous people give me hope at continuing to find my own bliss…

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: getting over jealousy, mono/poly rules of conduct, overnight guests on mono/poly relationships, polyamorous negotiation, when you're living with your partner and

Mustache and a Dance

August 11, 2014 by ABCs Of Kink

Photo by Jonathan Beckley

Last night was my last show with my troupe All The Kings Men (ATKM) for what might be a very very long time… we’ll see. It was a solid show, we’ve been together for 12 years now. That’s a lot of performance art with a small group of brilliant people under my belt. It’s been the longest relationship I’ve been in aside from family.

We started out as a drag troupe, and drag is technically a large part of what we do, but really I’d say we’re a troupe that plays with pop culture and status quo ideas of gender, sexuality, and lifestyle, and who mixes a strong dose of satire and truth into the concoction. A lot of our work peers under the covers of a character to let the audience get a better idea of what “really” turns them on… We play men, women, super heros, animals, kids, townies, clowns… you name it, but we play these characters with a lot of heart and a lot of intention.

I take this troupe for granted. I forget how the ideas we’re playing with are dangerous and shocking to some people. I forget that a portion of our audience is hungry for our work because they are hungry for acceptance in their own lives too. We’ll make you laugh at how simple and stupid life can be, we’ll make you question what you thought about “that type of guy”, we’ll remind you what it was like to be in love for the first time, we’ll break your heart, and we’ll turn you on.

Live theater is raw power and sometimes I forget that the room full of people who gather want to be entertained by my sweat. I belong to my audience: every inch of my body, every vision in my imagination, every muscle triggered in the storytelling, every emotion rolling across my face. Pure and simple, this work is service. I do it for my audience, I do it for my sanity, I do it because I have to; even in topping a room full of viewers, I submit.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Filed Under: Brain on Download Blog Tagged With: all the kings men, drag troupe, genderfuck, performance art and gender, submission and performance, things that make you go huh

W is for WOMEN I LOVE

August 8, 2014 by ABCs Of Kink

Photo by Eric Widor

Lately I have been reading a lot of crazy on the internet. People I know have been loudly rejecting the word ‘feminism’ in some kind of throwback haze of ignorance, a friend recently assured her community she was safely and surely over her ill-advised ‘bisexual phase’ (garnering snarky mean girls type welcomes back to the lesbian fold), I was subjected to a video which explained (through the use of a graph) precisely what relationships certain women were good for based on their ‘hotness’ vs. ‘crazy’ factors – which was not only extremely sexist, heterosexist, and demeaning in its offense, but managed to get some good trans-bashing in there as well. This was my week reading social media… So, in the midst of all that bullshit I’ve decided to ABC-up a few of the kink and sex positive activists, artists, sexologists, porn stars, erotica writers, and general divas who have come before me who I find inspiring and who give me strength in time of “whaaaa????” I hope you find wonder in their voices too.

Midori: Midori is an inspiration on so many levels. I first came across her when I was working at a sexuality boutique owned and run by women called “Grand Opening!” a little over a decade ago. I have had the pleasure of taking a few classes by this woman, and I recommend always showing up for her classes, workshops, lectures, demonstrations, etc. when she’s around. She is an amazing performance artist, writer, kinkster, and teacher of the sexy arts. She has opened my mind in so many many ways to kink, D/s, how to get what you want, and even how know what that is. Midori in action not only defines the trope “hot for teacher”, but makes her students so so much better for showing up. You can find more about Midori here as well.

Annie Sprinkle: I have a postcard that I carry around of Annie Sprinkle and post on my workshop wall. She reminds me to be true to my beliefs and outspoken in my art. My first run in with this Goddess was by watching videos of her early career in porn and a documentary about her performance art work. I had never seen someone so determined to be free sexually and true to herself as an artist. She has been a sex worker, activist, and performance artist in so many ways over the length of her career, and still manages to push boundaries and work to awaken the vital energy of nature and sexuality in her followers. She is, put simply, a force. I am a better and happier person for knowing about her.

Carol Queen: The book “The Leather Daddy and the Femme” was the first erotic novel I read that not only turned me on but let me know that the things that do it for me are not only mine. I generally do not read or enjoy erotica, but that book makes me wild. I’ve had the pleasure of taking classes from Carol Queen and watching her on film. She is a fierce advocate of queer sexuality and open sexual realities, bisexuality, kink, playfulness, and just being great at what you do with whomever you’re doing it with. I laud Carol for her balance of education and sexy. She makes the sex geek in me hope to grow up and be just like her.

Betty Dodson: I was a late bloomer in the masturbation and orgasm realms. At the age of 20, I found Betty Dodson’s book “Sex for One”, bought a vibrator, and figured out how to go about finding my orgasm. I have never turned back, and I am thankful for the help not only in technique, but in the comfort of her writing’s reassurance that my (what I thought of as) “brokeness” was not in fact that at all, and that I was definitely not alone in my struggles. The ideas that you could meet up with a group of women and explore your bodies, and that looking at and touching yourself was a base line to empowerment were inspirations that have allowed me to teach what I know to others as well. Betty is a fountain of information, advice, and perspective. I am grateful that her voice carried all the way to my little ears when I was ready to listen.

Deborah Sundahl: This is the woman who taught me to ejaculate! My partner at the time and I came across a video (the first video on the subject) called “How to Female Ejaculate” and the book “Female Ejaculation and the G-spot” when it first came out. We decided to give it a go! The first time I ejaculated I left a wet spot on the bed about three feet in diameter through two comforters. We were so excited about it at the time that we told my mother when she came home later that afternoon, and her response was “My child!” followed with a fist pump… Sufficed to say this was a wonderful reminder that even though I was discovering parts of my sexuality right then and there, there was a history of women who have literally come before me that I could talk to and share my experiences with. I encourage you to get the book if you’re interested in the subject and check out Deborah’s website. Her dedication to teaching and encouraging the multi-purpose functionality of the female sex organs is inspiring.

There are a lot of other people who have helped me in my journey, and I know there will be many more. These are some of the pillars I’ve stood on to get to where I am now, and I am thankful. Happy link-clicking; I hope some of it leads to new experiences and successful new playtimes… Who are the people who have inspired you to learn, explore, invent, try, have confidence, or be curious about your sexuality over the years in your own evolution?

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Betty Dodson, biphobia, carol queen, Deborah Sundahl, female sex geeks, feminist means equal, Midori, reversing sexism, sex goddesses, women I love, women in kink