ABCs Of Kink

Dear Creature: What Are My Kinky Motivations?

October 24, 2019 by ABCs Of Kink

Dear Creature,

I hope you wont mind me asking you something, you seem to have such a wonderful grasp of the the dynamics and psychology of most things sexual. I, on the other hand, have only just discovered the “Domme Daughter/sub daddy” thing. Here’s the thing: as a single Dad whose wife passed when my daughter was only 3 years old, I raised her all on my own. She’s 33 now. I never had one single sexual or inappropriate thought about her. Never did. Never have. Never will. So… why is it that I found the dynamic of this scenario so very enticing when I stumbled across it online? What’s driving me? ~Stumped by Motives

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Dear Stumped,

What a great question! Many people struggle with similar questions when their fantasies are socially taboo. Sexual shame and sexual shaming is so prevalent in our society, it’s not just age players who worry about whether or not their desires are “wrong” or wonder where they even came from in the first place.

Sexual fantasies are stimulated by a number of factors, and we don’t always know exactly what drives them. Having an interesting fantasy is also not the same thing as desiring actualization of the fantasy played out in real life or within established relationships. Your interest in exploring a Dom Daughter/daddy sub dynamic could be rooted in lots of things. First, consider what about the dynamic is exciting to you.

When you’re faced with an unfamiliar intrigue you want to know more about, think about the specific parts of the dynamic or scenario that turn you on. This is a great way to suss out what attracts you to it. In my experience age play and related dynamics aren’t usually about “age” specifically (though for some people it is). More often than not people who engage in age play (Big/little, Little/big, DD/lg, Daddy/boy Mommy/boy, Mommy/girl, Caregiver/little, etc.) dynamics are seeking to create a safe space to experience things like: innocence, the idea of a simpler time in life, the joy of caregiving (giving and receiving), indulging the senses in less than grown-up ways (sometimes including adult activities), being allowed to play pretend or enjoy playtime, personal stress management for high pressure work, cultivation of relationships where you can enjoy being in charge without the usual consequences of pulling rank, wanting permission to get whatever you truly desire in a scene without feeling guilty for wanting certain things, or sometimes even just simply enjoying taboo and perverse concepts in a safe environment with consenting playfriends…

We’ve all been kids, and we’ve all had experiences being cared for in our youths. Regardless of whether or not a person has parenting experience, many people are interested in age play, kinky familial play, and exploring culturally inappropriate or taboo subjects. As a person who has parenting skills you might feel you’d be good at roleplaying that dynamic, which is certainly a relaxing and potentially stimulating concept. Maybe you adore nurturing, pleasing, or being at the mercy of someone smaller than you? The Daughter-as-Dom spin on the more common Daddy Dom/little girl (DDlg) dynamic might point to you not wanting to be in control, even as you enjoy caregiving or being a nurturing partner. We all grow up, but that doesn’t mean we stop needing playtime or to exercise our imaginations.

More specific to this particular dynamic and role, when I brainstorm the idea of “daddy as sub”, I can come up with lots of ideas that make it an attractive play option:

Its intersection with age play
Fun with taboo and/or role play
Taking on the role of caregiver without that role being in conflict with having a sexual appetite in a relationship
Enjoyment of being in charge (Daddy) without having to be in charge of what happens (sub daddy)
A desire to be “taken” by someone smaller or more innocent than yourself
A love of cute things (if your fantasy Daughter is such)
Liking the idea of “teaching” someone about their sexuality on their terms
An attraction to youth explored consensually and legally
Desire to cater to or be in a relationship with a “Princess” type
There might be stories from your youth about this type of relationship being romanticized or sexualized
The power differential is different than what’s commonly depicted in D/s “norms”, which may give you freedom to distance yourself from other gendered stereotypes you might not be comfortable with
A desire to be Dommed by someone you feel safe with, more trusting of, or more deeply connected to than one who simply considers themselves Dominant
D/s that feels like it’s built off more equal ground (age differential favors Daddy, D/s differential favors Daughter)
There are hundreds of ideas I could generate about why this scenario is potentially attractive, but you’ll find more fitting answers exploring your own thoughts on the subject

You can travel as deeply as you like down the rabbit hole of psychological meaning making. At the end of the day, if an idea turns you on and negotiating play in a healthy manner with consenting adults is something you’d like to try, why not do just that? However, if your fantasy is more pleasurable than roleplay might be, just keep fantasizing.

Healthy BDSM encounters offer the opportunity to experience things we wouldn’t explore or can’t explore without negative consequences. We humans are curious creatures. When something is banned in society, it’s natural for a part of our brains to speak up and say, “but what if…?”. Consensual BDSM offers a sensual and sexual framework to explore these questions ethically, and (hopefully) gain pleasure from negotiating well with others!

When Rhode Island decriminalized indoor prostitution for six years at the turn of this last century, some interesting statistics surfaced. Specifically, in that period of time incidences of forceable rape went down statewide by 31%. The largest portion of that statistic applied to the city of Providence where much of the state’s sex work industry is centered. Rape declining by a third is nothing to scoff at! It was legal to engage in indoor sex work during that period of time, meaning sex workers themselves were able to report without consequence, so these numbers wouldn’t reflect that proportion of rapes shifting onto sex workers themselves. While we don’t know exactly why this happened, what it brings to mind is the possibility that people who may relieve sexual tension through non-consensual behaviors were presented with another less stigmatized outlet to fulfill their needs: legal, accessible, indoor working (which is statistically safer than street encountered) sex workers.

I bring this point up because there are people out there who do struggle with problematic thoughts, desires, fantasies, and urges which sometimes result in unsafe or violent behaviors. Whether a person is hiring a sex worker to help them address their needs, or they find relief with consenting partners utilizing BDSM activities and role play, the opportunity to shed shame and stigma while engaging in a fetish, fantasy, or fulfilling a need without harming others is a huge benefit to those people who might act out harmfully otherwise, their potential victims, and our larger community as a whole.

You’ve stated that your interest in Daughter Doms isn’t connected to your parenting relationship to a real human being. Honestly, there’s no reason it should be conflated as such in the first place. Your role as a parent is not the same as your role as a sexual human being. There’s no way to know for sure what specific mechanisms are at work for you outside your own thoughts on the subject. At the end of the day, if you’re attracted to the idea of being a sub daddy to a Daughter Dom, online BDSM communities like Fetlife are a great place to learn more about the dynamic. You can get to know others who enjoy that type of play too. Good luck kinking!

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please help me out by joining my Patreon campaign, Donating, or booking a professional or educational session with me. Thank you!

Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: age play, big/little dynamic, Daddy/daughter dynamic, DD/lg, dear creature, incest play, why do I fantasize about

Home

October 21, 2019 by ABCs Of Kink

After a solid two years in the city of Providence, there are finally a couple places outside of my home where I’ve found I can go and effortlessly feel free to be myself. White Electric Coffee is a cafe I often go to write. They’ve got great bagels and decent coffee. The people who work there are lovely, the customers are diverse in terms of age, race, gender, and queerness. In the tradition of coffee houses, the mood is political and communal. There are theater seats in a corner. In short, all I need in order to think and feel comfortable in the world around me.

The herbal shop that I intern at, The Farmacy, is also an accepting and inspiring space to be. Their shop is full of bulk herbs, tinctures, salves, teas, and various medicinal elixirs I help stock the shelves with and make on my day there. There are stacks of books to refer to, and a wealth of wisdom from the herbalists, as well as customers themselves. Each time I go in I learn new things. I appreciate the opportunity to work there very much.

This Summer I’ve been contemplating the condition of my heart. I’ve been acting the recluse for a while now—since I’ve been in this city at least. I haven’t taken the time to hunker down and find ground or community. I didn’t have a car for most of my time here which made it easy not to go out. I can order in tailored sensual encounters on Grindr or Fetlife or through any number of apps. In contemporary civilization people don’t have to effort much in order to be less alone. Despite the proximity and ease of social opportunity, I still feel quite alone though.

For the most part, I’m ok with that. Regular companions are fun, but they’re also stressful when goals for a shared home life aren’t aligned (and I’ve yet to find many people whose idea of interdependence matches my own). I feel the pull of expectation from others’ on me when I’m sharing space, yet most days I need wide open spaces to cultivate inspiration and hunker selfishly into my work. I love rising to the occasion of a friend when they’ve negotiated a spot in my calendar. I don’t mean to come off as cold or inflexible. My heart may be more guarded than it ultimately needs to be. But it’s where I am.

I appreciate observing this internal struggle of mine, and exploring my feelings without self-judgement or shame. It’s refreshing not to worry there’s something wrong with me as I feel the dissonance between where I am and where I believe I want to be. I don’t want to interact with the world “passing”, as I’ve felt I had to in the past. Existing that way encompassed a lot of self-repression and took the form of deep unhappiness. Trying to find myself in the midst of public spaces, and incessantly working with stressful deadlines wasn’t healthy. And maybe, just maybe, life doesn’t have to be so extreme, so all or nothing.

I live with a lot of fear, as do many. When I started taking testosterone and it became clear I wasn’t going to pass as either/or as far as the gender binary was concerned, it took a long time to go out on the town and not worry about being judged and unsafe for my appearance. I felt the need to go out with friends, but didn’t really know many people around here to go out with. It’s hard to do the work of change. It’s discombobulating and distorting, and often it’s a longer trust fall than you thought it might be. The old position may have been uncomfortable, but at least I was already used to the geography of discomfort it asked of me.

I believe in more. I believe in the possibility of yes. Suffering against self is not representative of the abundance we have on Earth.

I want to create joyful, useful, meditative, comforting, inspiring, opportune spaces where people can do the work of shifting, of growth, and of recalibration. We all deserve to better know ourselves in this one life we have to live. Who you are, how you desire to be talked to, or treated by others is less actualize-able in a society that doesn’t allow freedom to define oneself on personal terms rather than through pre-established generalities. Think about how much easier it would be to live in a society where others didn’t second guess our names, try to control our pronouns, immediately judge one’s choice of clothing, or limit self-expression so violently. I want to represent and work to cultivate that society.

Let me be your day off, your environment of ease, your science lab, your craft room, your kitchen, your holy space. I owe it to the places, the people, and the organizations who have given these things to me. I want to welcome others into respectful and responsible spaces of my making, environments which effort to make everyone in them happy. Places to connect and learn from others about what happy can even look like—all sorts of different ways.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please help me pay rent: join Patreon, offer Support or email me directly. Thank you

Filed Under: Brain on Download Blog Tagged With: creating safe space, passing as cis, providence RI, trans friendly spaces, what it means to be out

Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Special?

October 11, 2019 by ABCs Of Kink

I don’t think it’s controversial to say that many (the majority, all?) people feel something lacking in their lives. The rules of passing (by definition) demand that we assemble versions of ourselves to present to the public which look like others’. In high school unpopular kids turned their noses up at peers who were able to find a place within groups made up of characters who were “different like everyone else”. Today it seems there’s still a desire to be seen as “different like my own self”, and perhaps the group of people desiring these things are from a larger circle than one might expect. The condition of never feeing “enough” has stopped many people from coming out in their lives, or even entertaining an acknowledgement within themselves about subjects which seem taboo.

I can’t tell you how regularly and from how many differently presenting people I hear about the desire to be understood as “special”, “different from the pack”, “individually recognized for their personal values, against type”… Ironically, I feel as though being seen in the world for who I am—queer, genderfluid, “sexual” rather than type-X-oriented—incites the opposite desire. I’d prefer people to see me (and those traits) as normal. After all, sex and gender variations are normal, as is sensual desire across a spectrum of types. These things are evident throughout all of nature, they’re well documented and acknowledged within our contemporary society, and they’ve been present across cultures and nations historically.

Desire for pleasure to be felt in the body—any place on the body—stimulated by a person who can be connected with safely and amorously: is normal.

The desire to be seen as a valuable individual, not simply generalized as part of a larger group’s legacy: is normal.

To want to be viewed as separate from whichever archetypes you represent or appear to align with: is normal.

To want your story to count is human: and normal.

People who’ve spent their lives unable to profit off the patriarchy because they don’t pass social standards, have spent time wrestling with their defined differences from the norm. Within wrestling most of us come to love ourselves in spite of, and even for the very things we feel rejected about or harassed for. I wonder, in this ever polarizing world where community member is pitted against community member for survival, if it’s just simply time for a tide named “different” to sweep the land? May we all be better nourished if that is so.

Acceptance of self requires a growing acceptance of others. From an early age we learn to identify “against” rather than “with”. This type of divide perpetuates an “us against them” mentality which serves to keep all of us down. I hope we’re starting to value the need for individual acceptance over herd mentality. I’m all for it, but not at the expense of othering people as collateral damage on the path to perceived freedom. In an ideal vision of growth we’re able to share our hard won identities with pride, without posing over those we’ve climbed over in order to get there, or painting others into a corner in order that we might stand out as “more enough than they are”.

We cannot use the master’s tools to destroy the master’s house.

We’re born alone, we die alone, and we have gifts to offer the universe which are simply our gifts to give.

Capitalism, our prevailing paradigm, incites fear, belief in baseline instability, and promotes unkind behavior in reaction to the idea that anything valuable exists within a starvation economy. These ideas extend to concepts which are bottomless by nature—love, compassion, empathy, and admiration, for example. The games we’ve learned to play in order to survive have taught us that if we aren’t “on top”, there will be too little to live off of. Those beliefs (lies) steal from us the very human traits which link us to one another meaningfully and contribute to communal success. Our society was built off the concept of: hierarchical placement = value of personhood. If we truly believe one human is more valuable than another, we’re also doomed to acknowledge our own specialness as important only when it offers power over others. This measure of a person’s individual gifts to community is against the concept of community.

Today is National Coming Out Day. Just a couple days ago the Supreme Court heard arguments about, and is currently ruminating on, whether LGBT people deserve equal rights and protection in the workplace. Can you even wrap your head around that? I have a hard time doing it. We live in a country that defines itself as the “land of the free”, and has as its founding principle a separation of church and state. Still though, our State feels the need to consider whether or not some people are more free than others when it comes to physical presentation, sexual attraction, and opportunity to identify oneself honestly.

But Capitalism, am I right?!…

Follow the money.
Look to the power
Your cup of cool-aid is on the table.

It’s not hard to understand the intersection where people get stuck: wanting to be actualized through creativity, inspiration, and congress with positive, pleasurable energies we feel comfort around; while being bound to an environment which denies safe access of basic needs to those who don’t effectively pass while playing the game.

The game is bigoted. We all know this.

Trauma from trying to survive in society is real. Not a single one of us and no single group of us owns that hurt. To create meaningful change it will take many of us calling to the powers that be, the ones who have “won” the game, and holding them accountable concerning how the system hurts us all. That, or a violent uprising, but miles may vary on those…

We run into problems when we turn people into symbols. Conflating an individual with a symbol, archetype, social role, defining them by their job, other identity affiliations, belief system, pleasure activities, or any other single corner of a their experience, is a way to cut down and control them. We endeavor to control others in order to keep ourselves safe and profitable. Knowing one’s place in the pecking order (thereby buying in to the pecking order in the first place) offers us opportunity to harm others in our stead. Those with none below them, and those who decline superiority, suffer in this system. More of us must suffer for the system to collapse, and eventually the masses of those who suffer must teach their suffering to those who remain less touched.

In the quest for specialness (which is really a quest for acknowledgement that we are enough) perhaps the most important thing to remember is that we all deserve things which make us happy, especially things which do no harm to others. I don’t think it’s possible to be meaningfully “special” without celebrating the specialness of others and striving toward egalitarianism. I hope that idea helps heal current divides. Divides serve to rob people of a sense of self which is expansive and complex. Working within a limited sense of self, what specialness exists that a person can be proud of in the first place?

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please help me pay rent: join Patreon, offer Support or email me directly. Thank you

Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: Coming out, different like everyone else, embracing your differences, how to be curious about others, identity politics, National Coming Out Day, polarization in politics, Supreme Court on LGBT rights, visibility and queeness