“Playing Well with Others” by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams

My partner had a dream last night about sharing a home with other kinky people.  It’s an interesting dream because the apartment I just left was a place intentionally created for kinky roommates who agreed to kink-open house rules and the expectation of freedom of sexual expression amongst its co-habitators.  At first my partner thought my home was a bit out there, and when we’ve talked about where we would end up after our current 9 month tour his preference has been to live together without roommates.  My preference is in favor of community and the presence of others in my living space…  But nine months will tell where we end up, and with or without whom.

In his dream he was resistant to the roommates we were living with, but by the end of the dream and upon waking he realized he wanted other people who are kinky to be around him, in fact he’s missed it since we’ve been on the road.  Community, support, a sense of normalcy around others within the home and his daily routine is apparently something he’s grown accustomed to.

When we have no mirrors how do we see ourselves?

A small percentage of the population identifies as GLBT, a small percentage of our society identifies as Kinky.  “The norm”, reflected in the stories we see play before our eyes daily are largely not queer and kinky stories.  On the street, in your TV, around popular social platforms it is hard to find your kinky or queer self reflected back in the mix.  People often run their lives as if the “normal/popular/status quo” ideals are more important to adhere to than who they know themselves or fear themselves to be beneath what reads as socially passing.

I recently came across this article:  Growing Up Poor with Three Parents.  I think it’s quite brilliant in its reminder that where there is a creative spark and a will there is a way – and in my experience those creative sparks have brought me much more than “a way” in my times of need, they have been my saving grace and have sometimes been the next purpose and journey my life takes on…  Please do give it a read.

In a society aimed at making people adhere to cookie cutter life choices for the expanded realization of corporate bottom line growth, that personal revolution – the idea that we can and should be the individual we are – is a threat of epic proportion.  Believing in yourself and your right to have your needs met respectfully and consentually is a seed in each of us that if nurtured grows to be strong and upright.  It can too easily be twisted and bent beyond natural recognition though. If our seed isn’t watered or fed enough light, it is bound in ways that change the shape if what could be, bound in ways that stunt its growth.  Sometimes our authentic selves are hidden deeply away never to develop out of fear and ignorance of what is possible in our lives.  I am not here to say what is right for any one individual, I am here to put down in words some of the merits knowing oneself intimately and within an environment of support brings not only to the individual, but to our society as well.

Myself as example, without the education I give myself on subjects I feel pulled to, I would be at the mercy of what I can buy or ask another to do for me.  Worse, I would cease to understand the possibilities inherent within the subject of my interest.  The subject would have no choice but to die on the vine of my ignorance or be bought by my wealth and packaged by another.  Without reading about kink I wouldn’t understand the feeling trapped in my gut about submission.  Without finding community and their organized educational opportunities I couldn’t have safely found some of my limits, I wouldn’t have had the resources to explore boundaries, learn meaningful trust in others, or even find people like myself to question and think with.  Education is the enemy of ignorance, and it is also the enemy of control and a the lifter of our own trap-filled and stultifying assumptions.  Finding community is about finding self and finding the support to become better, deeper, more realized, well situated, and growing individuals.

Beautiful relationships die every day because of incompatibility in the bedroom.  Plethora individuals stay in relationships that hurt their sense of self.  Our culture teaches us to think this is normal.  I pose that that is not normal, that it is repressive ideals that offer us no recourse between staying in destructive patterns or destroying all of what works in favor of what does not.  It is a mentality cued into denial of autonomy, it is a violent means of living which reaps no winners and no rewards.  In finding, accepting, and following our true selves we have creative genius on our side, we have yet un thought of options at our fingertips.  We have examination and choice.  We have a renewed ability to find meaningful coping mechanisms, we have a means of taking up space at the table that is life and standing in a place protected by those who have come before us.

Knowing who you are, who you might be, who you’d like to try on for a minute is the whispered righteous “yes” each animal of flight must whisper before spreading wings and finding triumph in the jump.

Let me be your community.  Let us touch one another’s minds, hearts, sometimes bodies with support, examination, and an eye toward education and growth.  Consider joining Fetlife or any other social networking site that makes you feel at home.  Attend munches and meet the people in your area who share your interests.  Make it out to fetish fairs, kinky cons, and other play and educationally oriented community festivals.  Learn new skills, read books, discuss your ideas, ask questions, practice.  Get a Kink Academy account and rummage around for ideas.  Contact me and talk sometime…  It’s your life, find authenticity and joy where you can.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

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~Thank you.

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