ABCs Of Kink

When Things go Wrong

October 16, 2014 by ABCs Of Kink

First, I apologize for the late entry. I’ve been away from internet. In line with snafus though, on Tuesday I was supposed to perform at a venue at 9am and at 10am. Unfortunately I am living in my van while on tour and the place we spent the night didn’t have any phone service or Wi-Fi I could hook into, so my phone (and therefore my phone alarm) died in the night while I was sleeping. Luckily I woke up in time to scrabble together getting dressed and my butt on the road in enough time to (barely) save my second show from termination. I called the venue on my way in letting them know we would be there in time to set up for the 10:00 show to go off as planned, but that we would have to cancel the 9:00. I apologized and mentioned we had the afternoon free, so if they would be able to schedule a second show later in the day to make up for the cancelled one, we would be available for it. Luckily they did have room in their schedule to make a later show work. Luckily when we arrived at the venue everyone was lovely to work with, knew who we were, and weren’t snarky about the scheduling situation. We performed two great shows, and at the end of the second show we were approached by the venue’s booking agent to see if we’d be back next year because they’d love to have us perform for them again…

This scenario was ideal for when the shit hits the fan.

The shit will always hit the fan. You can be a grounded, prepared person who almost always has their stuff in order and so has to deal with the shit less frequently, but one is never as in charge of destiny as one thinks. What ultimately matters is this: when the shit does hit the fan, how do you deal with it? Who are you in stressful situations that affect other people?

Take kink… Say I had been in the middle of a scene and my partner hit me at a weird angle, or I moved at an inopportune time, or something got broken, or someone else got hurt, or or or… How my play partner(s) and I respond to the situation will not only effect how we take care of the mistake in the moment, but it will greatly influence how we feel about one another in the long run. Will this person be someone I continue to feel safe with, or has this moment defined for me a bunch of reasons I never want to play with them again.

Kink is no different than any other interpersonal arrangement, and the longer you’re with someone, the more mistakes you’ll celebrate making with them. After you’ve healed from/gotten through/had some time to process the harm done, it’s a good idea to think about what you did to make the situation better or worse than it could have been. Take some time to think critically (rather than judgmentally) about how your partner handled the situation with you. Having a conversation about what was hard about the situation, what you were glad happened in response, and bringing up what parts were hard for you that you think could have gone smoother, are great ways to learn from what happened. I highly recommend learning from mistakes – they’ll help you get better at fielding them when they happen, and better at not making the same mistakes again.

I’ve had my share of problems in scene, and whether the turmoil resulting was physical, mental, or emotional, I’ve always tried to get on the right side of it in the end. Sometimes the right side of a problem is letting a friend or partner go off and do their own thing, sometimes it means just listening and being supportive, sometimes it means bringing someone to the hospital or apologizing profusely. Humility and the willingness to go an extra mile to make everyone involved happier is how best to get back on your feet I’ve found. Blaming and distancing yourself from responsibility tends to be more destructive than useful… In the end, learning to fall is what gives us grace.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog, Uncategorized Tagged With: getting over yourself, how to relate respectfully, picking up the pieces in kink, when kink goes wrong, when shit happens, working together

Mining for Maleness

October 13, 2014 by ABCs Of Kink

Lately I have been looking for books on what it means to be male and live a holistic and sensitive life embracing one’s male identity. I have found very little of use out there. It seems most book stores are full of tips on being a gentleman or fishing and fighting in their Male Studies section (if they even have such a section)… Recently suggested to me by friends have been the titles:

Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood by William Pollack and Mary Pipher
The New Male Sexuality
The Joy of Sex
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover
Fire in the Belly by Sam Keene
Iron John by Robert Bly
www.MarkManson.net

At a used book store I found The Prince and the King: Healing of the Father-Son Wound by Michael Gurian, we’ll see how that one turns out, it’s an interesting take on masculinity at least…

I have been questing for these resources because of the relationship I am in with a cis-gendered male who has grown up with little support of his sensitive side, and has had little interest in the macho representation of masculinity he’s found pervasive in his communities. I think it is important for people to be able to solidly understand cultural context for identity – both born and chosen – enough to build a strong personal point of view about the various components of who one is. Without understanding context for “the rule”, it is hard to break from it, hard to critique it, and hard to embrace our innate personal differences in confident and healthy ways.

Let me know if you have any books, articles, or resources to add to the list. I’d love more input and I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject too.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Filed Under: Brain on Download Blog Tagged With: books for boys, finding yourself as a man, how to claim manhood, male sexuality, men and relationship, men and sex

S is for Sexy Times Ahead… so STI Testing!

October 10, 2014 by ABCs Of Kink

Don’t look the other way… (Photo by masaki ikeda)

A beautiful Autumn is mustering up its might just about now, morning chill hangs persistently in the air, and bed is increasingly the thing no one wants to get out of… Take a moment now, before falling into what sexy times lie ahead, to get yourself to a clinic for STI/STD (Sexually Transmitted Infection/Disease) testing, so you can play around with a clear and informed conscious.

Here is a great online resource that will help you find a place near you: National HIV and STD Testing Resources. It’s really helpful for people who are on the road, like myself, or for anyone who doesn’t know exactly what their city or area offers for medical and testing support. You can always look to Planned Parenthood or Family Planning, and many cities have free STI testing clinic hours at certain hospitals. You may find health centers specifically serving young adults and students at discount rates or for free (usually through age 26, plus or minus), and sometimes there are medical centers or clinics that aim to provide safe and comprehensive care specifically for LGBTQI communities; they’re likely to be well informed about Kink and Poly health concerns as well.

Why get tested regularly? Because you, your body, your heath, and your partners matter. If you are informed about what is going on with your body you can take care of yourself and those you love better. No one wants to test positive for a STI, but a large percentage of sexually active adults, at one point or another, will. Whether it be something that you can take a pill to clear up or something you’ll need to live with for the rest of your life, knowing the facts about your body and treating your partners with honesty and respect before engaging in potentially risky behavior is one way you can gain the confidence to be a great lover.

Testing positive is not a sexual death sentence: It does mean you have to practice talking clearly and openly about what you have tested positive for with play partners who might be put at risk. In my experience, both being told by a partner that they were (or had recently been) STI positive, and having to tell a partner that I am positive for an STI, I have had great conversations. No one has ever recoiled in horror or become abusive, and neither have I. I can say that it is sometimes hard to have the confidence and presence of mind to stop in the midst of a great make-out that looks like it’s going somewhere and say “so before we go any further, I’d like to have a chat about STIs and sexual history with you…”. I’ve found it feels really great when you do. If a moment where you’re actively being physical with a playmate isn’t a good place to interrupt and start that conversation for you, then make sure you find time before your date to talk it out. It’s great to hear “I really like you and if we’re going somewhere more physical with one another, I’d like to make sure we talk about our sexual histories and STI statuses, can we chat about that sometime soon?”. Respecting the people around you is the best way to get closer to them. That said, everyone has a right to turn you down for sex or play for any reason including your STI status, and it is not your right to take that choice away from them. Ignorance is not a good reason to put someone at risk of anything, and it’s a horrible way to start what might have been a great friendship or partnership.

So, celebrate your body today! Treat it to some testing and make sure you’re up to date on how to best care for yourself and others. Have fun, remember that safer sex including the use of barrier methods are always available options and usually the best way to keep a separation between what’s yours and what’s theirs. Get tested regularly (every 3-6 months or with each new partner perhaps), have a wonderful play life, and I wish many trustworthy and responsible mates unto you.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Filed Under: ABCs Blog Tagged With: knowing your status, STD testing, STI testing, talking about sex, why talking about sex matters