ABCs Of Kink

Domineering vs Dominant

October 30, 2017 by ABCs Of Kink

I am approaching my computer wearily today. I don’t know what to write about. My mind is a little foggy. The weekend was great and also a very hard one. I don’t want to talk about why, though eventually I’ll need to because what I’ve been working to help straighten out is important. I don’t have the energy to hash through all of the complicated and many faceted conversations surrounding what I’m processing to get to the meat and write about those subjects individually yet though. It’ll come. I have a lot to say. Yes it is related to #MeToo, and no, this time it wasn’t me, but #IWasThere.

So, hmmm… Where does this leave me with today’s blog? Honestly my brain feels a little burnt out talking about sex and how to keep sexuality a safe exploration. Then again, all the reasons why it’s important to keep this conversation going are fresh and heavy in my heart. I’ll talk about other matters which are related. Matters I’ve also been dealing with this very week:

Pointers for vetting a potential kinkster playmate. I found myself navigating this conversation a few days ago, and instead of successfully finding someone I felt would listen to me and build a great scene for the two of us to share, I found I had to turn down a person who was acting domineering, self serving, and rude. I don’t often get as far as meeting someone in my vetting process and then have to turn them down, but in this case it seemed the only realistic option — especially since I value my time and energy and had no interest in training this person in the art of decency to begin with.

Domineering or Dominant? This unfortunate and frequent must-ask question pops up a lot when someone is looking for a Dominant partner to play with. Bravado is a mask with which the ungrounded often cover themselves. However, domineering attitudes can not only belie an annoying person who you won’t really have a lot of fun playing with and who may not listen to your needs as articulately as you might wish, it may also indicate someone who is potentially unsafe to play with at all. Someone who is domineering is putting their own thoughts and ideas ahead of everyone else’s. By definition this is a problematic quality in a Dominant when considering the safety and boundaries of a submissive.

Some red flags:

When you tell someone something about yourself and they vehemently reject it rather than politely declining your offer and suggesting an alternative that might work for both of you:

Me: You can call me Sir… but I really don’t go for Ma’am or Miss

Them: You have a better chance of meeting Jesus. I will forgo the other two though

This may seem like a silly thing to pick up on, but it does indicate an unwillingness to respect my wishes, pronouns, and indications about how I like to be treated and viewed in general. It’s also needlessly insulting. Why would I want to spend time with someone who speaks to me like that? Why would I put my safety in the hands of someone this out of touch with respectful discourse?

Someone who refuses to discuss or negotiate a scene before playing with you (see following)
Someone who reframes your needs as “too much”, “unsexy”, or “not important”:

Me: What do you have in mind?

Them: Hang out, tie you up and spank you.

Me: I’m not sure I want to move that fast with you. We didn’t talk a lot about kink or your likes/dislikes or specific interests with me. I require clear negotiation if I’m going to bottom.

Them: I’m less of a talker and more of a doer. The more you talk and plan, the less spontaneity and excitement comes of the time. … this is supposed to be fun, free flowing and easy. Instead you’re asking to have everything detailed out and planned which kind of sucks the life out of all of it. I was interested in getting to know you better but there seem to be more roadblocks than exciting opportunities.

This person in minimizing my needs and putting pressure on me to change my mind and be “easier” for him to get to know. He’s basically bullying me to do things his way or feel as though what I am advocating for, in mind of my own safety and pleasure, is too much. What I need to feel safe around playing with another person, categorically, is not asking for too much. Let me impress that ideal clearly.

Someone who repeatedly reframes the conversation, controls the conversation, or changes the subject without answering your questions or commenting on any of your points (this happened repeatedly in our conversation)

I’m very happy to seek out another play partner, someone who wants me to feel comfortable and who accepts what I tell them about what I need to feel safe. Why would this unfold any other way? It’s really important for subs to advocate for themselves and be accommodated. The idea that “the sub is always the one actually in control” is an important tenet to be mindful of. The sub is the one who sets the pace for play, and stops everything if it isn’t going well. A Dominant should know and respect this first and foremost.

Why are all these little things important? They are important because they are important to one of the players — specifically the player who has the most to lose when it comes to the consequences of sceneing. They are important because there are a lot of people out there who aren’t off-putting and generally disrespectful. There are plenty of people who are game to try new things and who want to be respectful, safe, informed, and try things what will make both parties happy. There are plenty of people out there who are not rapists and abusers and are happy to go more than a modicum out of their way to prove to me they respect my feelings of safety over their “fun”. The person in my example is displaying the attitudes of someone who might not actually respect my body, emotions, mind, desires, limits, negotiations, and boundaries when I’m in a much more compromised or dangerous position. Why would I move forward with this person? Why would I let them tie me up? If I take the time to look, I’ll find partners to play with who don’t make me worry about my autonomy and safety. Saying “no” to this red flag covered playmate means that when I find the people who make me want to say “yes”, my yes is meaningfully given to a partner who will be a much more fun, safe, and rewarding Dominant.

Negotiations are all about communication, and yes, it is absolutely possible to just speak differently about things and still have the exact same values. However, everyone deserves respect. Everyone deserves to be questioned and to speak for themselves about what’s important to them. The moment someone assumes they know what is best for me and refrains from asking me about whether they are correct or check in about their intent, is the moment I am no longer safely in the hands of someone who is listening to me or considers my experience and therefore safety.

What we must do with one another first and foremost is listen. Listen to play partners and try to figure out why what they’re saying is important to them, as opposed to why it is or isn’t something you agree with. Know what your feelings on a subject are, and be able to separate them from someone else’s feelings. More often than not it’s completely reasonable to agree to disagree on certain subjects as long as you can decide how to functionally and respectfully handle the situation when it comes up.

Talk about your likes, dislikes, boundaries, interests, and needs before playing with someone for the first time. This is not just smart, it’s the MOST NORMAL THING people who engage in BDSM do. Pre-negotiation of a scene does the opposite of “sucking all the fun out”, it makes the scene more tailored to the desires of the people involved, meaning it will be more fun for everyone. It allows people to get into safer situations in a more well-informed way. It helps Dominants make sure they don’t make mistakes in play because of personal or really specific safety issues. More than once I’ve tailored a scene because I found out my partner had an injury, or really sensitive skin, or was less flexible than I previously thought, or was allergic to an ingredient in the lotion I was going to use. I’m HAPPY to make those adjustments because then I get to PLAY! All of these little considerations make my agenda as a Dominant more and more rewarding when it’s time to follow through. I get to have great consensual fun with a relaxed and trusting sub rather than rushing them to the hospital or dealing with trauma of some sort because something I didn’t realize would be a problem got triggered physically, emotionally, and/or mentally within our scene.

At the end of the day negotiations are a gift. Negotiations are vital to fun, and are groundbreaking in their ability to foster trust and generate a slow and steady path to successful scening. Negotiation is a sexy word. Don’t let anyone ever tell you your need to check in about their intentions for your body/heart/mind is overbearing, unsexy, or makes you less of a good, game, giving partner or submissive. Anyone who tells you your need to check in and establish respectful discourse on the subject of what will happen to your body is unimportant, is also someone who will not care when you “red out” of a scene or ask for a safety adjustment while you’re playing. They are telling you one thing by breezing past your preferences: “I am in this for me, and what I want is more important than what you want”. Not only is that the definition of an unsafe and potentially abusive partner, it is wrong, and it is NOT Dominant behavior. Dominants want their toys to be happy. Happy enough to come back and play with them again and again and again. Anyone that shortsighted about playing with you probably has something in mind for you that you don’t want in the first place. If they’re not willing to do work before your first scene, why would they ever start listening to you after you’ve already let them have your body in the first place?

Be safe out there. Say no when you feel nervous. Articulate what you need to feel more connected to the person you’re considering playing with. Don’t let anyone talk down to you or brush your requests aside. Don’t let anyone belittle your experience or ignore the things you are asking for. You deserve respect. You deserve fun.

What questions do you have for me, Dear Readers? Are there subjects in particular that interest you that I don’t speak about enough? Are there questions you have for me personally that I haven’t answered for you, or that you’d like updates on? Are there kinks you’d like me to try out and report on? Fill out the form on my Contact page, and I’ll get on it!

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist
~Thank you.

Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: building trust, dominance, domineering, manners, Negotiation, safe kink, safety in BDSM, valuing each other's needs, vetting for BDSM

Sex vs. Kink

October 27, 2017 by ABCs Of Kink

I was recently asked what the difference between “kink” and “sex” are. It’s a good question, which people will vary wildly in their opinions about. Following is my take on the subject. I encourage others to disagree and to articulate for themselves differently than I do here — one of the most important things we get from talking about sexuality is an evolving and broadening scope of understanding about how things function differently for others. These varied articulations can, in turn, help us understand ourselves more deeply, or in new ways. I am all for that.

I will start by stating that “sexuality” is something separate from “sex”. Sexuality is a general blanket term which describes the factors surrounding how someone likes to (or does) get off, or feel turned on. Peoples sexualities can be identified (sexual identity) in multiple ways and within different categories such as: kinky, vanilla, queer, straight, gay, bi/pan/omnisexual, asexual, leather, fetishistic, Top/bottom/Versatile, D/s, switch, Sadistic, masochistic, hedonistic, primal, so on and so forth, etc… Sexualities evolve, grow, change, are discovered and rediscovered, and emerge throughout one’s life as one has new experiences, is exposed to new concepts, and generally learns more, and accepts or rejects more about what they find. One’s sexuality is influenced by one’s behaviors, though frequently sexual behavior and sexual identity do not go hand in hand (more on this later).

“Sex” is a word which encompasses a series of activities that one can engage in (or not), and which contribute to a person’s view of their sexuality. What is and is not (what “counts” for) sex is defined differently by different people. For the sake of ease I usually define sex as “anything ending in the word sex or job”. By this definition I would include sexual intercourse (PIV intercourse, genital or anal penetration with toys, all types of fingering, hand jobs, fisting, anal sex), also oral sex (cunnilingus, blow jobs, rimming), scissoring, frottage, masturbation, mutual masturbation, and generally anything which includes the rubbing, sucking, or licking of genitals for the intention of getting someone turned on and/or in an orgasmic state, to be “sex”.

Sex is not just about activities though. How we feel about the activities we engage in, and what we want to believe “counts” accounts for what people label as sex as well. “Energetic fucking” can be as much (if not moreso) sexually satisfying, sexy, and pleasurable as plain old vanilla intercourse is. So is energetic fucking sex? Some would say it is, others would say it is not. The same goes for a lot of activities including some of the ones I have labelled specifically as sex above.

Did you have sex if PIV intercourse only happened for a second with someone you wish you hadn’t hooked up with? What about if it was someone you desperately wanted to fuck? It turns out that we’ll label what counts and what doesn’t count as sex differently depending on how we felt about the situation. People often also say things to the effect of “we sorta kinda had sex not really” in situations where they feel grey about consummation. Is it sex if no one orgasms? What about if only one person involved in the equation does? I don’t believe there is any hard and fast rule to completely defining what is sex and what is not sex. There are a lot of “sexual activities” though, and some of them sometimes seem to count more than others to the general population. It is absolutely possible to believe you have had sex with someone who does not consider the time you spent together sex at all.

Moving in the direction of our next subject for definition, I personally would consider all of the activities I outlined above as examples of “vanilla sex”. I am sure a lot of people would consider at least some of them to be “kinky” though.

A “kink” is a bend or an irregularity in the system. What is kinky and what is not kinky resides entirely in the realm of speculation and personal definition too. The first question one must ask when deciphering whether an activity is “bent” must be: whose system are we evaluating for kinks? Fact: what’s kinky to you may be completely vanilla to me. Things that were defined as kinky to me in the past, may now be viewed as mainstream and vanilla as I’ve gained understanding or experience of the activity in a new way. For instance, consider activities such as spanking and oral sex. Some people consider both of these things to be kinky, some consider both of these things to be vanilla, and people also believe all the variables in between. There is no hard and fast definition about what’s kinky until a person who wants to define it for themselves does so as such. Lines in the sand, all.

What’s the point of defining something as vanilla or kinky to begin with? Well, I think like all perfectly imperfect language useage, it’s shorthand to find others who might be into what you’re into. We take a general idea (rather than our stringent personal definitions) of what’s “normal” behavior and label ourselves on one side of the divide in hopes to attract or repel people who we believe may identify similarly or differently than ourselves. The follow up questions are the important ones to anyone you wish to engage sexually or kinkliy with: ok, so you’re [vanilla/kinky], what types of things do you like to do? What feels good? What drives you wild? What should I do/not do to turn you on?

Now let’s revisit that idea from earlier about “Identity vs. Behavior”. Someone may not identify as kinky, but may also get really turned on by, let’s say… being tied up. Their behavior, when they decide to get turned on by going out and getting tied up a bunch, may be viewed by others as kinky. So is that person kinky? To much of their community, the answer may be yes. Does it matter? No. It matters to the person identifying the way they identify why they choose the identity they choose. Even if they are enjoying categorically “kinky” activities on the regular, if that person identifies as vanilla, they are vanilla. We don’t know all there is to know about that person or their reasons for choosing one identity over another. A person’s identity is their right to define as they choose for their own reasons in whatever moment they are sharing it with others. It’s important that we trust and respect people and their processes of uncovering and defining their own lives. This doesn’t mean we can’t ask questions or have a great conversation about how we view the definitions of these words differently, and we can also discuss the finer points of growing and discovering or rejecting new facets of identity over time. This also doesn’t mean we should deliberately hurt or mislead others by being opaque to the meaning of our behaviors and the expectations we set up when we use certain words exclusively to people we’re sharing our identities and sexualities with either… At the end of the day, we are all works in progress for better and for worse. We are all responsible for meaningful clarity and reasonable transparency about our interactions with others. We do not all agree about where these gray definitions land, hence the need for multiple ongoing conversations about our needs, wants, and expectations from the people we’re sexual and sensual with.

How you feel about these subjects is important. How you feel about them helps you figure out your own personal boundaries and articulate yourself more clearly than if you only thought in black and white dictionary definitions about what “should” or “shouldn’t” make you feel turned on, sexual, or sensual with another person. Also, as important as it is to respect people’s differences, community standards exist and account for some degree of safety and general information dissemination for reasons. The young person who believes oral or anal sex “isn’t sex” may be more vulnerable to STIs because they believe they are still “a virgin” and therefore invulnerable to the consequences of engaging in sexual activity. Here we see that differing community standards can contribute to education and/or potential harm through an unexamined ignorance of all the contributing factors which play into behavioral reality. Does it matter that you’re [gay/kinky/monogamous/heteroflexible…]? Only to the extent that responsible conversations with the people you are engaging with sexually/sensually/kinkily/romantically with are able to happen relatively transparently.

So go to it! It’s the most natural thing in the world to be turned on. Let’s talk about sexuality, sex, kink, behavior, and identity…

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist
~Thank you.

Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: bdsm, bisexuality, coming out kinky, communication, community, fetish, identity, kink, kinky, Negotiation, Power Dynamics, Relationship, sex, sexuality, trust, trying new things

Dear Creature: Large Hands for Fisting

October 16, 2017 by ABCs Of Kink

I want to fist but I’m told my hands are too big. What can I do?
~ Big Hand in the Bush

Hi there BHitB,

Thank you for the question. First, I ask you to consider that sexual and sensual acts aren’t always as goal oriented as we might think. Fisting is an activity that usually takes some time, a certain degree of training the receiver’s body to relax and open up, trust, lots of lube, and a higher level of foreplay and turn on for the fistee. There are biological components which play into the subject, such as how wide someone’s hips are or how wide someone’s hands are. Not every hand will fit in any orifice safely or pleasantly, even with all of the strategy mentioned above.

If you’re interested in the basics of fisting, I wrote a blog on it a while back, F is for Fisting.
Reading it might help you begin negotiating the activity with an interested partner.

There are lots of people who LOVE fisting, be it anal and/or vaginal, and have the natural physiology to easily accommodate larger fists, or have trained their bodies to be able to. My fisting blog is one of the most popular ones on this site, over the years it consistently has the most daily hits — so there is definitely interest from a general population (or a handful of people read it over and over on the daily). If you are on Fetlife or other sexual/kink websites serving as social forums and/or dating pools, post on the appropriate pages or on your profile that you’re interested in fisting and that you have big hands. I assure you that there are people who are looking for exactly that. If you have partners who you feel comfortable talking about your desire to try fisting with, you should bring up the subject with them and see if they’d be comfortable trying it with you.

Now for a note on mechanics: Chances are you may not get your entire hand in on the first, second, or even third try, and maybe not ever. But you will be fisting! The process of getting there, I promise you, is a huge part of the excitement of the activity. It is worth the journey when partners are listening to one another, connecting well, and enjoying the ride. A few other thoughts which may help you too: When I say that it helps to be very turned on and relaxed, I mean that 1,000%. First, try a lot of mutually satisfying activities leading up to getting all of your fingers in. Having great sex where both you and your partner are able to climax (if that’s something you do together), or edging multiple times so that the body feels wanting of more intensive attention and further sensation can help open the body up too. After climax, or with a lot of time and tease, you and your partner will definitely be more warmed up and relaxed, and probably feeling more adventurous. Your partner will probably have a higher threshold for pain and intense stimulation as well. When you tease to the point that someone really wants to be fucked hard, that’s a great time to start ramping up your play. Start with one finger and work your way up. Lube lube lube… Don’t forget to multi task with pleasure centers while you’re concentrating on getting your hand more and more fully in your partner’s body. Take pauses from pressure inward to play with nipples, the clitoris, penis, sensitive skin around the vulva or anus, and any other erogenous zones your partner has. Get to a place of firm pressure and hold it there without forcing past the point of your partner’s feeling of want, and then back out a little and continue to play. Use a vibrator if it helps. Being able to talk with one another and check in about sensations on this journey is very important, so make sure you are both comfortable asking one another for what you want, and speaking up about what something feels like at any moment. Only play with people you trust to speak up about their needs, and follow orders immediately when the fistee tells you what they want.

Fisting is not necessarily painful for everyone. Sometimes it feels like intense pressure rather than “pain”. With larger hands, it might be more on the painful side for most people. It matters that your partner is open to and familiar with pain processing to some extent and knows their body well enough to advocate for what feels like “too much”. This is not a good activity to do while on drugs or after drinking. Anything which dulls the receiver’s understanding of what’s going on with their body can be potentially dangerous, and messes with consent.

So really, large hands or not, fisting is an activity that you should be able to have fun trying out with willing and excited partners to whatever end you’re able. Whether or not you ever get past the point of your knuckles, it’s really less interesting than everything leading up to it. Set aside a good amount of time, and be prepared with lube and other things you might want and need. Check out my first blog on the subject for more tips and tricks, communicate clearly, and have a ton of fun!

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist
~Thank you.

Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: extreme sex acts, fisting, foreplay is necessary, how to find a fisting partner, large hand fisting, lube and more lube, normal sex acts, relax for sex