I intern weekly at an herbal apothecary, and had a sweet interaction the other day. An older gentleman was checking out, asking questions about some herbs, and then shared a bit about his experience as a man who was estranged from his father for most of his life. He spoke with compassion for this man who had not been a good father, but who he had learned to befriend later in life. As his father grew old and needed care, he cared for him. This man spoke about how he could see the young child in this toothless old man father, laughing at silly things in the hospital as he circled closer to death. He spoke about how much he still learns and discovers about his father’s perspective and journey, and with how much less complication he feels love for this man, even after death, as he grows older himself. He sees his father more and more clearly in the mirror.
I have a not-dissimilar relationship with my father. It’s been fascinating growing to understand parts of that person as I get older. It is not through spending time with him (an option I don’t readily have), but through a better understanding of my own evolving self. I see and feel the parts of me that are like him more and more as time moves on.
We are all connected.
We are each capable of hurting others and of being hurt ourselves. We are all capable of forgiveness—a state that at the end of the day benefits ourselves most deeply. We are all capable of learning something new about another person’s perspective, struggles, journey, and life choices. We human beings are not our behaviors, but our behaviors are what we have between one another. Behaviors are the messengers through which we communicate, connect, disconnect, or flag each other about what a relationship between us will look like. Behaviors are learned, practiced, often in need of updating, and also under our control for the most part. We become different people as we grow, change, and shift our practices throughout life. We are not our behaviors, but our behaviors are our legacies. We can invest in doubling down and never letting another person in, or we can face discomfort during confrontation and questioning, and we can adapt, grow.
The function of family throughout life is such a strong and relentless challenge. Family dynamics run deep. One may be able to put space between themselves and family, but those people, your family members, are always there in the world somewhere and we don’t forget them. Family, in all its frustrating, painful, loving, abusive, nourishing, chaotic truths, is ground. It is Earth. It is where we come from, and where we always refer back to as we grow. We search out new families in life—especially and prolifically do the queers, marginalized people, people without traceable/available families, and those without relatives nearby. Finding people to bond with outside of shared DNA is important for all beings. We seek out the families we want to belong to, and the families we want to help create. When we create new families we also recreate ourselves. Part of this seeking is departure from the language we first learned in order that we might learn new tongues, see more of life’s big picture, and establish ourselves in our own image apart from our origins. We belong to one another as deeply as we belong to ourselves, and so we must change from where we began, even as we cling to (or cannot shed) much of our primary teachings.
Many animals, when they hurdle through pubescence, leave home to find another pack. Humans are no different in this respect, especially in our modern era. Animals find another family to join and they establish their own bloodline, still connected to the past. Mixing bloodlines keeps the lineage healthier, more viable.
Mixing bloodlines keeps the lineage healthier, more viable.
This concept in today’s world seems particularly suitable for meditation. What world would we live in if we never left home? What if we were never exposed to other families and ways of being? What if no other cultures or traditions were able to influence and inform our own experiences and interests?
We know the short answer to this. Demographically, the spots on Earth where we see the most diversity in cohabitation (urban areas, especially urban areas with international influences), have a tendency to boast more liberal and progressive communities. Healthy exposure to differences stimulates an open mind. One cannot un-know what they have been exposed to, and it is isolation which leads to ignorance (“ignorance” is an interesting concept to think on, especially when linked to the idea of: to ignore). Education that accurately represents the entirety of the world in its lesson plan allows for students to negotiate a larger portion of the planet comfortably. Travel makes the world smaller and easier to understand. Our behaviors change and update as we come to understand a larger spectrum of perspectives. This is one reason reading improves empathy—it offers exposure to different walks of life without ever having to leave home.
Screen time is a double sided coin in this respect. It’s too easy to point a finger at the screen and blame or praise its worth. The person will always dictate what is wrung from any experience. What is the quality of one’s time with the world at their fingertips? Does one choose the fast food equivalent of never leaving their own region/town/house to navigate their basic needs? Do they have questions and skim through only the first answer they’re provided with, assuming it’s the hard and fast truth? Does one seek out multiple answers from multiple sources in order to better understand the subject they’re looking into?…
We are all connected. Like cells in a living organism, we represent one, yet affect all.
With that thought I wish you a happy Winter and Holiday Season. May your time with family, chosen or of origin, be illuminating and offer you more to work with than you had yesteryear. It takes humility to become a bigger animal. May the new year see each of us expand and grow.
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature
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