Where I am at, quite simply and happily right now…

I am currently taking on clients for professional Domination. Sometimes I am contacted by an interested party who has experience seeing a professional. Sometimes they end up asking for my services for free, for less than market value, for trade, or for, well anything else I — a female trans person — hasn’t indicated I work for. I find this not only distressing as someone trying to pay their rent using skills and expertise they’ve cultivated over time, but as a minority person almost exclusively responding to cis (usually heterosexual) white males who have probably never been asked to work for free, for trade, or for anything other than their professional pay rate in their life.

If someone mentions that they have an income flow situation, I sometimes mention that I might consider partial trade. Depending on our rapport to that point, I might also mention the possibility of engaging in a training arrangement, or maybe a personal sub dynamic if we find (through other occasions for play) that we have that sort of chemistry. Either of these options would make the amount someone is paying into my household a different negotiation completely. Those two options are far different from the “sessioning” model of professional Domination though. What I often get back in response are people saying yes, they want to be a personal sub because it’s “more personal”, and because instead of meeting for one hour once in a while when they can afford it, we can really go to town bringing them to new places over extended and frequent periods of time. I also hear from some of these same people they they aren’t interested in a vetting process, as they don’t feel they need it (after I’ve mentioned I have one). These people will list that they’re attractive, and can take a lot of pain, that they’re sexy, and love and respect Dominant people, that they really need to let go and give up control… This is their way of convincing me they’re good submissive candidates. Do you see the pattern of entitlement here? To me, it’s clear as day. It’s also one of my least favorite parts of this job and the reason why I negotiate with many, but actually scene with extremely few. Professional Dominants, frequently female, queer, and/or trans people, and not infrequently people of color, deal with an extraordinary amount of privileged consumers. The name of the game is boundaries — boundaries we’re often used to having to hold in our personal lives too.

Today I wrote a potential customer a letter in response to a few letters he had sent me. It took me a few days to generate the energy to respond to his bravado and complete missing of the boat about how negotiation with a professional works. He, like many men do, had glossed over the requirements of my vetting process, offered me less than my professional rate, jumped at the chance to make this an unpaid or underpaid “relationship” rather than a work arrangement, offered trade instead of pay, and went on about how much he had to offer as a picky, attractive, limitless specimen of male strength, who really needed a lot of attention and a professional’s trained hand to keep him interested.

A couple days after he hadn’t heard back from me he sent an email mentioning things on my wishlist, I can only guess as a way to keep my interest in him ongoing. Readers, please understand that unless I actually receive something from you with a nice, respectful note tucked alongside, chatting about my wishlist over email is boring and definitely not a favorite activity of mine. I hate shopping. I don’t get excited about things the way cartoon girlies do. I assure you that when I receive a gift I’m not jumping up and down in my panties clapping my hands, only to collapse in a perfectly reclined position, arms embracing my pillow, dreamily mouthing the utterance of your name. If you send me something I can use, I’ll probably want to hurt you with it or I’ll send you a photo of myself wearing it as a thank you. It will probably inspire a scene between us. It will stimulate further conversation if we’ve been out of touch. It may make me take a slight bit more interest in you, as I recognize that you’ve made an effort to connect with me, which led you to action… Action. That’s where it’s at. I like subs who are into action. I care so much less for “say”. Please: “do”. My wishlist is linked at the bottom of my professional emails to give you an impression of what my interests look like, and give you an opportunity to buy something I actually need or want for myself or my workspace, should you so desire. I am not a fish, and it is not a hook.

In writing my potential client back I found I had a lot more to say about what it means to be a sub and Dom in a D/s relationship dynamic than I thought. The letter also outlined for me the true difference between planning a session for professional pay, and engaging a person I wish to play with who allows me to plan our time together, and who offers me support and care exactly as I ask for it. They are different things, for sure. I do a lot more emotional and mental work planning professional service, as I’m usually heavily curbing an entitled ego in the process. I think a lot of people want to believe that they are cut out for a more personal dynamic than professional session play, but that’s frequently a fantasy. Most people just want to you do what they want you to do and call it your idea, take responsibility for the entire thing, and not need much of anything in return. Which is why it’s a paid service.

The person I was writing ended his last correspondence mentioning that he was wondering what my impressions of him were, and that he had high hopes, after months of research, about our potential connection — hopefully as a personal sub who could benefit from more time under my hands (and offer considerably less financial support). That is where this letter begins:

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My impressions: You like to be in control. You think your idea of what subbing is is, in fact, what creates a good sub for a Dominant. You think you know better than I about the process of becoming a sub of mine. These are my offhand impressions… Honestly, these are particularly unattractive qualities for a potential sub.

Because of these impressions, I disagree with you wholeheartedly about what you think you are asking for. The position of personal sub is for those subs who have the heart of a submissive. One who wishes more than anything to be a part of their Dominant’s life in whatever way might make their Dominant’s life easier and happier. A person who is in training to potentially become a personal sub, learns to do the dishes, cook, clean impeccably well, chauffeur, offer massage and body worship as particularly as their Dominant desires, etc. They may be required to construct or repair toys as is needed and their skills allow, provide manual labor, or a host of other helpful tasks.