Fear, shame, paranoia, guilt, judgement, desperate cravings: I’ve experienced each of these when considering my sexuality, advocating for my sexual needs and boundaries, or considering my worth within other people’s sexual desires or esteem.
Joy, compersion, pleasure, wholeness, happiness, bliss, excitement, fulfillment, inspiration, creativity, peace: I’ve experienced each of these while connecting with myself and with others sexually and sensually. These feelings don’t come from the experience of having an orgasm necessarily (though orgasm can be a wonderful mood elevator). These feelings are rooted in acceptance, in a biological chemical-rebalance brought on by intimacy, in stress relief after the build up of sexual neglect, and from servicing my body, emotions, and mind as I feel I need to. These feelings come to me when I’m serving someone else’s sexuality effectively as well.
Sex workers of all stripes offer an opportunity for positive emotions in a world which would split the needs of the body apart from an understanding of the heart or acceptance of one’s mind. Sex workers are part of the solution to healing a sexually repressive divide-and-conquer (not to mention patriarchal and misogynistic) world structure.
Who better to offer insight about sexuality, or demonstrate positivity surrounding one’s most primal sexual and sensual desires, then sex workers? Sex workers (male, female, and trans) are in the business of showing us that there are many ways to interact with our sensual lives and fantasies other than through the limitations of enculturated fear, shame, paranoia, guilt, judgement, and desperation. How many people seek out the services of same-sex sex workers in effort to satisfy a curiosity or desire which feels inaccessible in their daily environments or relationships? How many people seek out the services of sex workers to access a sense of their own sexual adventure outside the bounds of what they believe to be acceptable to their partners, families, or friends? Sex workers offer help and (often) pleasure to people who:
- have sexual trauma in their past
- aren’t in relationships yet still desire sexual release in an ethical and emotionally responsible manner with others
- simply want or need to get off with less interpersonal complications in the equation
- want to try something new with a person who’s an expert in that particular kink or sex act
- are too shy or fearful to ask for a specific sex act from a loved one
- don’t want to threaten their primary relationship but happen to be sexually incompatible with that partner
- want to experience a sexual or sensual act themselves so they can more fully understand or embody it while playing with others
- value the skill level a sex worker might have in their particular area of expertise
- simply adore the aesthetics of a sex worker doing their job
- …there are as many reasons to see a sex worker as the number of clients who see sex workers.
It has always been so, and will continue to be so until the end of capitalism—a structure which equates money with survival, and so money with time, skill, opportunity, and livelihood.
I was having sex with a female partner of mine recently, and as we laid back afterward (I don’t remember if I orgasmed or not) I felt an overwhelming satisfaction and joy in my body. Peace and happiness. I was tickled, in that moment, by the idea that anyone would have anything negative to say about same-sex sexual play. It’s so natural to touch a body (any consenting body) with love and to have that body respond with ever-increasing joy. It’s nothing but a severe programming against this reality, combined with a lack of honest exposure, which leads a person (and so nations) to believe the consensual and loving touch of another human is somehow categorically wrong because of their sex or gender. There are no predetermined categories of people I shouldn’t be allowed to interact with within the boundaries of adult consent. I was surprised that I hadn’t had that specific thought before, and I laughed out loud, shaking my head at the individuals who spend time eschewing such beautiful and joyful activities as sharing pleasure with a similarly-sexed body. May they come to the Gods/Goddesses/Deities/Divine in the name of de-stigmatized pleasure themselves one day.
I believe this applies to all healthily negotiated sexual connection between consenting adults. There are no combinations of bodies that should be demeaned for seeking joy. No body is born outside the birthright of pleasure. This world is harsh, and we must fight against our individual pursuits of happiness being warped into guilt or shame for not looking like what society has deemed its comfort level looks like. When consenting adults are non-harmfully seeking out connection, provided under whichever negotiations make sense between themselves, they are pursuing a facet of what they have been put on this Earth to do.
I once had a female client. She wanted an experience that would be healing, connective, sexy, and fun. She was coming out of a longterm relationship which had been sexless for a long time with someone she hadn’t felt attractive to or turned on around for a while. Her search for people on dating websites fell flat, nothing seemed to fit. She wanted to know that the person she’d be connecting with sexually/sensually had her needs in mind, rather than negotiating pleasing someone else at the same time. She was curious about her own sexual inventory at the moment, and wanted to remind herself of her own adventurous spirit from the past—to connect with the body and desires she’d known before shutting down. She’s dated trans men and sex workers in the past, and thought it might be a good idea to find a sex worker to help fulfill her needs. She found me. My mission as a sex worker was to help her awaken, feel sexy, and remember what it’s like to be open, wanting, and happy as an autonomous sexual adult.
Under the laws of Rhode Island I cannot receive money for sexual conduct:
§ 11-34.1-1. Definitions
https://casetext.com/statute/general-laws-of-rhode-island/title_11_-_criminal_offenses/chapter-11-341-commercial-sexual-activity/11-341-1-definitions
The following words and phrases, when used in this chapter, have the following meanings:
(1) “Sexual conduct” means sexual intercourse, cunnilingus, fellatio, anal intercourse, and digital intrusion or intrusion by any object into the genital opening or anal opening of another person’s body, or the stimulation by hand of another’s genitals for the purposes of arousing or gratifying the sexual desire of either person.
(2) “Commercial sexual activity” means any sexual conduct which is performed or promised in return for a fee.
(3) “Fee” means any thing of monetary value, including but not limited to money, given as consideration for sexual conduct.
So, instead of the obvious ways one most frequently connects to their sex, we were challenged to explore other ways the sensual and sexual body can be appeased—without initiating any legally defined “sexual conduct”…
Perhaps kissing, frottage, scissoring, nipple play, hair grabbing, hair brushing, scalp massage, earlobe sucking, fingernails exploring the skin, tickling, breathing together, impact play, spanking, wax play, body worship, pinching, twisting, rough body play, bondage, mummification, wrestling, humiliation, seduction, striptease, CPNP (clothed person/naked person), humming into the ear, bathing, eating, cuddles, watching porn, mutual masturbation, D/s service, foot massage, torture, sliding skin on skin, S/m, discipline, rope tying, blindfolds, eye gazing, water sports, stress positions, sploshing, role play, lingerie wearing, dirty talk, rolling around, commands, licking the body, biting, violet wands, evil sticks, whartenberg wheels, fur and claw mitts, feathers, self-“intrusion” digitally or with objects (vibrating and non), reading erotica, dressing and undressing, verbal affirmation, objectification, body appreciation, flogging, caging, confining, whipping, feeding, clothespins, clamps, heat, ice, wet, dry, shaving, pressure point activation, dancing, quizzing, punishing, rewarding, meditating, giving, taking, holding, tenderness, energetic exchange, energetic fucking, egging on, self-induced-edging-by-command, crossdressing, hugging, …
But also: why? Why is it mandated this way, so ridiculously tritely? Why these specific checklists of acceptable and unacceptable? To my math, it’s ethically wrong to limit the expression of a person’s desire or needs when engaged in by consenting adults advocating for what’s right for themselves and their bodies. It’s infantilizing to believe that the law or legislators understand each person’s most private body and mind, sexual history, or needs better than they themselves might. It’s criminal to stop a human from finding their sexual joy by way of responsibly negotiated exploration. It’s unthinkable to make it even harder to heal from trauma in a safe space from the method of one’s own choosing.
The only defense we seem to listen to depicting why sex workers are valuable calls out people with disabilities. While this is absolutely an important point within discourse, I’d like to call out the hypocrisy of stopping the conversation there. Perhaps as a society we too are disabled when it comes to an understanding and acceptance of our own sexual selves? Abuse runs rampant in our culture. Misogyny, religious and political sex-shaming abounds. Sex has become a literal crime for both consenting and non-consenting parties. This is not how we were born to be; this is how we have been taught to get by. One’s birthright to their adult body, to their individually expressed non-harmful sexuality, to choosing for themselves what’s correct, has been stolen by way of repression and social controls within a patriarchal and misogynistic paradigm. It is not consensual sex work between adults which is in the wrong.
Pay attention to the conversations about decriminalization of sex work we’re having these days: Sex workers are asking for decriminalization of their careers for themselves and for their clients. Listen to the stories of sex workers, their reasonings, and their knowledge on the subject of how their industries work. Trust sex workers when they speak of their own choices, businesses, and lives. Consider paying a sex worker for their time and expertise to sit down with you and tell you about why they’ve made the decisions they’ve made in their lives, what they like and do not like about their situations, and what they know of the situations of others. Don’t chose pity over respect, educate yourself further… choose to ask and listen and learn instead of prescribe meaning.
The conversations about sex work our communities are having right now are not simple, and there are many perspectives and experiences to consider that feed into these dialogues. Keep in mind that a conversation about sex work is not a conversation about sex trafficking, and that when we speak of sex worker rights the last thing any sex worker wants is a world where anyone is violated in that way. There must be a clear understanding and delineation between the realities of sex workers who choose their employ and people who are forced, tricked, held, or coerced into sexual service. It’s important to serve and protect those who are abused, yet by conflating these identities and situations we invest solely in confusion and an opportunity for further abuse appears on every side.
Read articles that sex workers point to about their industries rather than believing ones written by anti-sex work propagandists.
Consider how we can better serve all the people in our communities most effectively.
Consider that we must each deconstruct and be in conversation with our own repressed or maligned sexualities, and often must sit in the discomfort of not understanding it all, in order to make room for meaningful progress forward as a whole society.
Consider which people have the privilege not to hire a sex worker.
Consider which people hire sex workers because it is their privilege to do so.
Consider who doesn’t have much privilege concerning their own sexual growth, and why they might benefit from the services of a sex worker.
Consider that if anyone doesn’t like sex work, they simply don’t have to engage in it.
Consider that no one has the right to control another person’s body, choices, needs, lifestyle, or sexual journey.
Simply consider it all. Make some room for the conversation.
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature
This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
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