ABCs Of Kink

Survey Questions

November 6, 2013 by ABCs Of Kink

I am a curious kitten, dear Public, always interested in how people think differently about various topics. Maybe it’s the character actor in me, or the peacekeeper, maybe it’s just the way I’m wired – with an appreciation of people’s differences and desire to be exposed to new ideas… In light of my kittenishness today I’ve decided I will throw some questions out TO YOU with the hope that responses will come back to me in surprising, ticklish, and challenging ways.

Either for yourself or for response (if you’re so inclined), I challenge you to take a moment to think about some of the answers you have to the questions below. If you like, write them down and send your responses to me: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or go to my Contact Page where you can fill out the comment form anonymously (or not – you choose).

Please take note: Any content I receive that I think would be great to host on the blog will posted anonymous unless you specifically request it not to be and provide your credit information and links to include in the posting. I look forward to hearing what YOU think about the subject of kink, here goes!

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Survey Questions!

I suggest picking three, and feel free to get in as much depth as you like:

Are you kinky?
Are you interested in kink?
Are you experienced in kink?
If you’re kinky, at what point did you come out to yourself as such and why?
What was your first exposure to kink?
Can you define what kink is to you?
Are kink and sex the same or different in your experience?
Is kink an activity or an identity?
What is your favorite kink?
Do you have family members who are kinky?
What is the line between “vanilla” and “kink” to you?
What questions do you have about kink?

I look forward to hearing your answers!

To Breath and Being
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: community, guest writer, kink, submit writing, survey

The Privilege of Being Out

November 4, 2013 by ABCs Of Kink

Being “out” in the number of ways that I am is a privilege I enjoy in almost every aspect of my life. The act of being out can help others find empowerment in their own lives through positive reinforcement and visibility, yet it is a status not every one can afford or risk.

I’ve crafted a really big bubble to live in over my lifetime. That bubble helps me remain out as a public figure, and from it I gain a huge source of strength which helps me trust in my own frankness about who I am when I find myself outside of my various communities. My bubble keeps me safe and helps me continue to grow in my understanding of others. I come from a long line of pretty supportive and open-minded family who also went individually about seeking communities they could live more authentically and less fearfully in; so my bubble is one I’ve crafted over my entire lifetime, and it was strengthened with a lot of early support. My bubble is a privilege. People with smaller bubbles, or non-existent ones can not move as freely throughout their lives as I do.

I have been able to come out at various times pretty smoothly to my predominantly artistic, often liberal, generally agnostic friends and relatives. I’m lucky that though I have a public presence, my audiences (on stage, in writing, and in my classroom) have been very supportive of how open I, as an individual and in my work, have been throughout my career. I am out as queer and bisexual (though I officially identify as “sexual”), as a drag king and burlesque performer, and at one point in my life I was a woman married to another woman. I’ve come out as polyamorous, kinky, as masochistic, and as submissive (though that last one’s still a hard conversation for me and a bit emotional, but I can talk about it relatively openly).

I also have come out on occasion as a white person, as generally cisgender, as a female who dates men, and as non-disabled… Why? Because this: I think owning all of who I am matters a great deal. If I only allow myself to be defined by the things that make me a minority, if I only acknowledge the parts of me that are fighting for visibility, I am less likely to question the privileges I enjoy over others less privileged as I walk through the world. Without mindfulness of that spectrum of existence, I will risk distancing myself from people who are not just like me. Being out is a privilege I personally can enjoy because when one looks at ALL the things I am, I am still free to say what I like and be who I am pretty openly without fear of losing my job, my family, my livelihood, or (much of the time) being physically threatened by it. So, it is my responsibility to be out about/acknowledge the parts of me I am granted privilege for being even when I don’t say them out loud. Being out as someone with privilege is a status everyone can afford and risk. Working toward my goal of being an ally to people who I have privilege over, I must recognize the ways I have privilege or I cannot be true to the work of being an ally. When I acknowledge the complexity of my own experience I can begin to understand or empathically value the complexity of experience others live within. This is how I believe we begin our work toward respect and equality.

So, in a conversation about queerness, kinkiness, artistic opportunity, or being a woman I might have a lot to say about my POV and experiences, however I will spend more time listening and learning from people sharing their thoughts about their transgender identity, experiences as a person of color, reality of immigrant status, experiences as a disabled person, etc… I don’t know these particular struggles first hand and so it is my job to listen and put my privilege of speech away for a while in order to learn.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve come to understand myself better in these regards, and how I have allowed myself to be more frank when talking about my identity with others. The following list is just a beginning for reflection:

Think about all of who you are:
What do you like about it?
Are there people that you look up to who are like you? What do they say about the subject of being out?
What parts of your identity are you proud of, make you happy, or do you value and love?
Are you afraid of revealing any of these things to others, or have you been hurt in the past by being open about them?
Are there currently people you can’t tell about these parts of you for fear of retribution, harm, or shaming?
Are there people you can tell easily? Why is that?
Are there people you have reservations about sharing your life with even though it would probably be ok? What would need to change for those people to be safe to talk to?
Has anyone ever come out to you? What did it feel like when you were taken into that confidence?
If you could be out about your own struggles and identity, what would it look like? Would it be a statement of concrete identity, or an articulation of a broader POV about the subject? Would it be an identity you’ve heard before, or something new you’ve made up yourself that fits?
Can you accept another person’s articulation about who they are when it’s brought up to you? Is it a struggle ever? How do you work through that struggle?
When you find yourself questioning something someone is telling you about themselves is it out of curiosity and a need to understand more deeply, or from the need to organize what they are saying or assimilate it into your idea of what you already believe?
Can you accept yourself apart from accepting others?

I am not advocating for or against being open about who you are in unsafe situations, and I recognize that is not even an option for some people anyhow. I think it’s important to remember that pretty much everyone is a survivor in their own right and in their own lived experiences. With that in mind, here’s to working for equality while supporting one another’s differences, and to finding the worthiness of all our selves to coexist respectfully.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Filed Under: Brain on Download Blog Tagged With: Coming out, equality, open minded, privilege

A is for AGE PLAY

November 1, 2013 by ABCs Of Kink

In the same breath as any discussion ‘Age Play’ comes the disclaimer (clear boundary explanation?) that this play is happening between consenting adults only. It is important that this be said out loud (particularly for the uninitiated) because there are few unexplored taboos in the Kink/Fetish community (this is why it’s the kink/fetish community!). The unexplored taboos we accept are generally regarded as healthy boundaries and held onto for pretty sound reasons. Clearly negotiating consent between adults is the central pillar to how safely and sanely exploring limits and taboos works. In line with that concept, the broad-base accepted hard limits of the kink ‘community’ are often described as: No Real Underage Kids, No Real Animals. Tacked onto that shortlist, each Kinkster has personal preferences and boundaries including hard and soft limits of their own, because let’s face it: just because you like to break or play with one cultural or personal taboo, does not mean you are even remotely interested in exploring another!

But, asides aside, lets talk about this Age Play kink thing already! Age Play is an interesting kink on a lot of levels. Obviously it touches on a taboo that many people may feel intensely about engaging in (even just conceptually) for psychological, emotional, or experiential reasons. The idea of “age disparity” and the idea of “sexuality” in one sentence can be triggering. Here are some of my thoughts on the subject in light of age play being a kink one might WANT to engage in:

So what exactly IS this Age Play you speak of? Well, Age Play is any type of play/scene/scenario you and your partner(s) are engaged in where you are purposefully playing a different age than you happen to be in reality. You can age play as older or as a younger age than you actually are.

Why would you want to engage in age play? For every person who engages in age play there is a different reason to play: Maybe you want to explore regressing back to a time when things were simpler and where you feel cared for by someone else – to be responsible for nothing and taken care of completely. Maybe you want to push some limits and play the part of the bad-girl teenager you were too innocent to have enacted in real life, or you want to revisit the scenario of having sex for the first time with your High School sweetheart or with some archetype of a kid in class you never found the courage to befriend. Maybe you really get off on the idea of role playing in general and being a different or defined age really appeals to you. Perhaps there is something a little more personal or therapeutic in your interest – some people may want to reenact a traumatic event they experienced when they were younger to try and claim pleasure or safety in the situation by choosing it as an adult. Or maybe you want to overcome the fears a particular scenario evokes by exploring it with trusted and safe play partners. Maybe you love the way dressing up and acting like a little kid or like a responsible and caring parental figure looks and feels like. Maybe the idea of being spanked or disciplined as if you were a child appeals, or the sensation of wearing onsies or diapers or sucking your thumb and carrying a blankie is comforting. Where there is an age disparity in a scene there is also potential to explore a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship dynamic as well or enjoy a simple clearly defined power exchange. From another perspective, maybe you wish to fulfill your partner’s desire to be a “little” or you really enjoy care taking and the protective aspect of being a “Big/Mommy/Daddy” in your scene. Perhaps you’d like to discipline your partner and the idea of them being your student or child or a person in your custody is intriguing to you. Maybe just the idea of being older in the scene is an exciting or confidence inspiring prospect. Or maybe you always wanted to play the “bad guy” persona in a taboo scenario (coercive teacher, abusive priest, angry parent…).

As you can see, there are so many ways to enter into age play territory, and so many opportunities to get different things from the experience. If you were to consider age play, what might your “in” be?

How does one approach Age Play? There are a lot of different activities and types of play in this realm. The first thing you might want to think about when approaching age play is what age you’d like to visit and what you’d like to get from the experience: Are you interested in being a Dirty Old Man? Maybe playing a 2 year old scribbling in a coloring book and being taken care of non-sexually by her “Mommy” sounds like a great afternoon activity? You could be a teenager sneaking out of the house without her parents knowing and get caught by the cops. Are you interested in diaper play where you could have a Mommy/Daddy/Babysitter caring for you and changing you? Or perhaps inserting another kink into the situation is intriguing to you: chastity play through diaper use – it’s a thing, look it up. Do you want your play to be sexual or strictly sensual or neither (childhood games and simple care-taking activities)?

Exploring your personal curiosities and articulating goals out loud are great ways to start communicating with your partners about what you’d like to try out.

So, is Age Play sexual or isn’t it? Like so many things “kink”, this depends entirely on you! Kink explorations run the gamut for different people. Some people really separate the sex out of their kink and see the two as different things that they engage in at different times; often even with different sets of people. Some people are open to acknowledging a certain level of sexual energy which might develop in a scenario, and if it makes sense or comes about organically will keep the option to play sexually on the table. And some people just feel that kink is another type of foreplay, and what’s the point if it doesn’t lead to sex. Regardless of how you feel in general about the separation (or not) between sexuality and kink activities, you’ll probably find that the particular relationship you have with the people you’re playing with will change your view of these things case by case. There is no wrong way to play as long as what you’re doing is consensual and not creating harm between all of the parties involved. Engaging in clear pre-scene negotiation that includes a conversation about sexual boundaries, STI status, barrier preferences, other partner(s) and any pre-existing agreements, and clearly consenting or not consenting to various forms of sexual touch are great points to hit on before actually engaging in play.

This is also important because you want the scene you’re walking into to play out in a way that’s enjoyable to everyone involved. For example, if you come to the table ready to be coerced into a hot and completely “inappropriately sexual situation” by your partner, but that person can’t really get into being coercive, yet was interested in trying the scene out because they really love the idea of sensually care taking for their “young prodigy” in more sensual yet not sexual ways, neither one of you is going to be satisfied by or comfortable with the probable results when you try to play it out. However, by talking it through beforehand and having the courage to state the kind of play you are interested in, saying your goals out loud, and describing how you want to feel and what that might look like will get you far closer to a scenario that works for everyone involved. That, and practice makes perfect! That, and don’t be afraid to stop a scene and renegotiate or check in if it seems to be going in a direction you hadn’t expected or don’t feel comfortable with. Consider taking a little time to critique (kindly and in a caring manner) what worked about the play and what didn’t at some point after you’re done. Next time you’ll know more about what turns you and your partner(s) on and be better at doing it for one another!

Do I look younger than 35? I am thinking young!

So Karin, What were your experiences with this particular kink like? Good question, I’m glad you asked! This was a really interesting kink for me to start out with because the idea of “age play” as a thing never really piqued my interest. However, what I discovered as I thought more deeply about it, is that a couple of my tried and true fantasies absolutely contain an age-based power dynamic within them. The more I considered those fantasies, the more I realized they were a great opportunity to explore age play for me. So, I set it up. The scenario was your typical teacher/student fantasy dynamic, and I was the student being held after class to answer for inappropriate behavior, blackmailed into servicing the teacher’s fantasies, and I was open to the scene building up to becoming sexual in nature.

The actual experience of the journey was an interesting one, and I got a lot out of it. I was surprised at how easy it was to slip into the role of the teenage girl, and I remembered clearly that love/hate feeling of being turned on by someone older than myself and the accompanying fear and curiosity that triggered. My boundaries were clearer than I thought they would be in the scene, and at one point I had to recalibrate my character’s reserves to accommodate the scene moving forward in a way that suited the trajectory my partner and I had decided on. I was surprised at the things my “Teacher” wanted to do in the scene, and curious about them in a way I haven’t felt curious about bondage or restraint in the past. When the scene ended there was a moment I was both disappointed to return to the known-ness of the sexual/sensual reality the “adult I” understands, and at the same time I felt a release that I could play more freely and with less heady reserves than I’d been feeling earlier… All in all a very intriguing headspace to be in, and an intriguing headspace to leave behind.

Final thoughts: The scene could have gone further, but I enjoyed the exploration a lot and would love to try it again. There are aspects of the scene I’d want to develop or push harder to have a deeper experience of particular emotions, or to find out what else might come up for me. All in all it was a pretty successful evening of fun with a great play date where I got to try out something new.

Where can I learn more?* Some of the best references I’ve come across are on the Kink Academy website. Really clear discussions about the subject and ideas about how to play are laid out in short video clips by Lee Harrington, Penny Barber, Domina Alexandra Snow, and other well spoken and fun to learn from educators. I suggest checking that site out for a lot of educational ideas on how to play. Read up on the subject in various books and consider checking out a local or regional Kink Convention to see if they offer classes in the subject, or a “littles” area in their play space/dungeon. There may be local meet-ups for people who are into age play or identify as Littles. Talk to a partner and read this blog together! Maybe just the suggestion of trying something out will lead you to discover new fun games to play. These are all great places to start, and this blog is a very basic introduction to the idea of age play – there is so much more out there.

Have fun talking to your friends, lovers, partners, and playmates. Where there is a curiosity there’s an opportunity to learn about and try something new…

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

(*If you like the Kink Academy website and would like to get a subscription, please consider using any of the links on my blog to get to their subscription page; as I’m an affiliate of their website I’ll take home a portion of the proceeds. Thank you in advance.)

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Filed Under: ABCs Blog Tagged With: adult, age play, alternative sexuality, fetish, kink, sexuality