ABCs Of Kink

O is for ORGASM CONTROL

March 7, 2014 by ABCs Of Kink

Photo by M

I’m quite excited about this topic, sex geek that I am, because it marries so well sexual technique and devious kinky desires! Orgasm control is a technique with many names in the sexuality education community. Books have been written about it, and it is generally agreed that this technique is a wonderful way to help people have longer lasting and more enjoyable orgasms. Obviously in the hands of the kinky community, creative applications are numerous and rewarding in slightly different ways as well.

So… what IS Orgasm Control? Edging, surfing, prolonged orgasm, being a tease… the list goes on, and the technique is employed across the board. Basically it goes a little like this: You build yourself (or your partner) up to the point of orgasm without climaxing, without going over the edge, then you stop. Repeat as many times as you like. This technique can be used in partnered sex or during your very own alone time, and what it does usually is make the final release of your orgasm (when you finally do let yourself go over that edge) a much more intense experience. It allows you to build your sexual energy and desire for release up to an extent that will feel oh-so-great! None of that instant gratification quickie style orgasming here, only good old fashioned slow sex, homemade the way your grandparents did it.

Why is Orgasm Control Kinky? Well, application, my Dear Readers, application! Why is anything kinky: because you make it so. There are pretty common kinky applications of this technique like

Incorporating chastity play into the mix and making your playfellow “edge” a certain number of times without release over a long period of time (minutes, hours, days…)
Training your sub to always ask permission to come
Love of control / Love of submission
To train your partner to elongate the amount of time they can be stimulated before coming
To train your body to separate orgasm from ejaculation (if you always do them at the same time)
There is another form of Orgasm Control that a lot of kinky people employ which has an ultimate goal of training the sub to orgasm on verbal command, rather than from physical touch (though this is a lot trickier to accomplish and requires a lot of different techniques over a period of time that may or may not end up being for naught)
Because it’s a fun game, and isn’t that the real reason we’re kinky to begin with?

My control issues: I have been in a relationship where I was told I was not allowed to come without permission. It was awesome, actually, and surprisingly emotional at times. To put my love, my physical reactions, respect and obedience, and ultimately my trust that my pleasure would be valued to the point that my orgasm should be put into the hands of my partner, was a tall order. A tall order though, that paid off in a lot of pleasure, trust, and bonding.

There were times I wanted to defy the “no” I received when I was about to climax and every cell in my body wanted to scream “COME ON?!!!!”, and there were times I wanted to cry, and then there were times I felt privileged to have this person near my body caring so exquisitely about my journey during our intimacy. Those moments made everything beautiful, made everything fall into place in my heart, my breath, my body. I wanted this.

Masturbation is another area I’ve successfully used this technique, and I have to say that every time I end up wasted, happy, centered, and breathing! Alive! I highly recommend the treat when you want to give yourself the time, or the gift if you want to give your partner a challenge (NOTHING wrong with being told “you need to edge 7 times today before I see you next”… you might just go for 20… just sayin’).

Things to consider: Consent. Any time you want to take anyone’s pleasure in hand, consent and information about what works and doesn’t work for the person is really important – we want this to stay sexy, right? For example, one thing I realized while negotiating orgasm control with my partner was that because I have a hard time coming to orgasm to begin with, coupling orgasm control with chastity play where I wouldn’t be allowed to release was a limit for me. My partner doesn’t have the same psychological or emotional reactions to giving over control of an orgasm, and so that idea hadn’t seemed like a tricky one to navigate. It was a really good thing we able to communicate about those things and find what about the idea worked for both of us. Research. Also consider watching videos, reading articles or books, and checking out other sources of information about orgasm control if you want to get more heavily into it. Start Slowly. And check in often or talk about what’s working and what isn’t working as you go. Adjust for greatest pleasure! Go team!

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Be an ABCs contributor: Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event? Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site. Don’t know what to write about? Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently. Happy writing, and thanks!

Filed Under: ABCs Blog Tagged With: control games, edging, kink, kink games, longer better orgasms, Orgasm Control, prolonged orgasm, surfing

The People I Meet: Matthew

March 5, 2014 by ABCs Of Kink

The blog that I publish on Wednesdays is meant to encompass a plethora of different ideas, perspectives, and experiences in the universe of kink. Often I ask people to write me with their own experiences and points of view about any aspect of the subject that interests them. Today I share with you writing that was given to me from the POV of someone coming to terms with their own Dominant side in their exploration of BDSM. It’s also kind of a sweet love story…

I hope you enjoy the writing as much as I do. And please, Dear Readers, consider taking a page from this person’s book and share some of your own thoughts and experiences with me. You can be anonymously credited, have a name or pen name attached, and you are free to write me with whatever thoughts you are having. Thank you in advance, a very warm thank you to this week’s author, and I hope you enjoy this Wednesday’s “Perspective”.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

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1946-1959 (years of publication for magazine) Source"Bizarre" magazine AuthorJohn Willie, pseudonym for John Alexander Scott Coutts

1946-1959 “Bizarre” magazine
Author John Willie, pseudonym for John Alexander Scott Coutts

I have been struggling with how BDSM fits into my life. It wasn’t something I always knew I enjoyed. In fact, I feel as though I have been stumbling clumsily through everything I enjoy. Sometimes I think I’m not good enough to be competent and confident in my abilities. Of course, my competency and confidence will grow the more I practice and talk about what I do enjoy. Despite having some really fantastic first experiences, my doubts still keep me asking why do I nurture these feelings, emotions, and interests.

A moment that really stands out for me involves a cage. Well, it involves 3 cages. We were in Seattle visiting a friend of hers. He is also kinky. His house was complete with a dungeon and 3 cages of varying sizes scattered throughout his house. The cages all have stories, were hand crafted, and were of varying sizes and uses. After going out for dinner, we get a tour of the house along with all 3 of his cages.

The first cage was fairly large. To give you an idea, you could pretty uncomfortably fit about 6 people inside. I’m given the key and the lock. After checking to see if the lock worked properly, I have my partner get in and sit down. She looks pretty comfortable smiling out at me with a cup of coffee in her hands. So we all sit in this room, talking about this cage while my partner is happily locked inside. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to see her locked in but it might have been the novelty of seeing someone locked in a cage. All I knew was that I enjoyed seeing her behind these bars, sitting comfortably, and drinking a cup of coffee. Then I remembered there were 2 more. One of them I saw earlier in the living room. That was probably 1/3 of the size and the thought of my partner squeezing into this one was even more exciting.

So, I unlocked cage 1 and we were taken back to the living room to play with cage 2. This cage was much shorter, maybe 2 feet high, so she had to get down on her knees to be inside. It opened via a hatch on top, where the locking mechanism was built in. This cage might be about 4-5 feet long. She could sit and lie down in this cage pretty comfortably for a short period of time, if she bent her body in certain ways, before her limbs would get a little stiff. She kept smiling at me, as she got comfortable. We stayed at this cage for a little longer than the first. She was comfortable and I wanted to see her squirm around trying to find the most comfortable spot.

After I unlocked the 2^nd cage, we were led down into the basement, where the 3^rd cage was kept. This one was my favorite. It was a similar size to the 2^nd cage but there was extra rods that could be inserted and locked vertically and horizontally. My partner fit in pretty easily and comfortably to begin with. First, I started placing rods in random areas just to see how they affected the space. Once I noticed how my partner was placing her body to accommodate them, I started putting more thought and care into the locations I chose for the remaining rods. Her body curved over and under iron rods, forcing her to hold the position she was in. She was on her forearms and knees, her ass resting on one of the iron rods, a couple of them under her stomach, another below her breasts, and one right below her throat. Her arms were stretched over the last iron rod, she was on her forearms with her hands outside of the cage. This was her position as she tried to relax into it and find comfort. She did beautifully. Her body looked incredible tangled up in a small cage. Her hands were still free to do as they pleased, though. I asked our host for a bit of rope so I could bind them together. That was the finishing touch. I wanted to sit there and watch her. Then I unbound her hands, carefully removed the iron rods, and opened the cage so she could exit.

In the car that night, she asked what that was like for me. How did it feel? I immediately responded with, “It felt great but I don’t have a cage fetish”. She looked inquisitive and asked me to elaborate. The more I thought about it and spoke about my thoughts with her, the more I realized I did enjoy cages much more than I thought I would. The thought of owning my own cage is very pleasant.

The reason I enjoyed seeing her caged was because I saw that she was giving up her freedom and comfort for me. She knew I enjoyed seeing her in those positions, little by little trying to take small amounts of comfort from her, to push her a little more. She gave that comfort up and found her own pleasure in the situation. The lasting impression I took away from this experience was that of love and devotion. I put her in those cages because I love her. She allowed me to put her in those cages because she loves and trusts me. It was an epiphany that didn’t fully make sense. Though, there’s no other way to describe it. I look upon that evening with a full heart and butterflies in my stomach; fully turned on. This is one reason I want to continue to nurture my explorations into BDSM.

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If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: bdsm, cages, coffee, dominant, fetish, kink, submission, why I want to learn more about BDSM

Practice vs. Performance

March 3, 2014 by ABCs Of Kink

Something that has been knocking about in my head for a little bit is the concept of various head spaces and how they effect both relationship and libido…

A bit of personal background: I have this terrible and persistent tendency to be in relationship with people I work with, or I’ll convince people I’m in relationship with to come work with me on long lasting intensive projects. It is not that awful (until it is), it can work really well sometimes, and I think is not uncommon in artistic circles (and probably many other careers). However in the artist’s profession, one does not usually follow a regular 9-5 workday, work is a passion that is hard to put down, and work can take up the greater portion of one’s passionate, thoughtful, and emotionally driven energies and resources. I have joked in the past that my “primary” will always be my art. This has proven to be true on a number of occasions…

So, what does this have to do with kink? Well, in my experience it has everything to do with one’s positive or negative upkeep of their sex life, and it has everything to do with how one negotiates different head spaces with their partners. I believe that communicating well about what headspace your partner needs to be in for any given period of play has everything to do with negotiating successful kink.

Being good at kink (like being an artist) often requires particular skills to be learned for success in the play room. Skills are not borne overnight with only a good book on the bedside table for reference. How does one manage being sexy while tying a knot they have just learned and are having trouble remembering the logistics of? Confidence enters the player’s arena, deflates or becomes agitated due to the messy scene at hand, and soon you have a situation where no one is having fun anymore. Expectations have been trampled, the mood has been run over and is breathing it’s last gasping breaths, tension is fighting for a first row seat to the “let’s just go to bed” games, and no one is having the night they thought they were going to have… This scenario has come across my lap (so to say) many times, both in and out of the bedroom.

I’ve found really clear communication about what’s going on in the moment, and reasonable expectations about what end you’re looking to is key to situational morale. I’ve learned that saying all the words is better than relaying only the official ones. When I’m trying to do something and failing, rather than just saying that it isn’t working, I am likely to say that it isn’t working and how that’s effecting me. If I can advocate for my feelings above and beyond what is obviously lacking in the scenario itself, I am asking my partner to respond to all of the situation at hand. Maybe they can soothe my aching pride while suggesting something new to try, or perhaps they’ll do something to cheer me up while we salvage the moment/action/game/mood… If I simply say what isn’t working, my partner(s) have less recourse to help me with what I’m actually and holistically struggling with – my perfectly imperfect and often frustrating humanness.

Applying this to what headspace I’m in, or want to be in, or wish to bring to my partner in a scene, I’ll say something in advance about my expectations and why or how I feel about them. This goes a long way toward finding success in my endeavors. Sometimes I just want to practice ties without feeling like I’m ruining a scene or someone’s hot and heavy end goals, sometimes I want vanilla sex that beats it all – please hold the horseplay, sometimes I want to try something new and be totally in scene with my partner and have them explicitly not second guess me (or have me second guess them) out loud. So I have learned to try and say these things out loud before we begin.

I find I’m a much better toy when I’ve been told that’s what is desired of me and I have the opportunity to prepare myself for that kind kind of play. I’m excellent at not suggesting better ways to finish that knot when we’re in tie-me-down mode rather than involved in practice sessions. I can give space or take space in a million different ways when I know what is expected of me, and I want to do that with the people I’m interacting with and loving on. I really enjoy the relationships that offer such clear communication about expectations as well as human reality in the moment of our making.

Like creating good art, finding joy, satisfaction, and loving moments are skills I hope to keep getting better at with time, practice, and learning from my perfectly imperfect and often frustrating humanness.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Filed Under: Brain on Download Blog Tagged With: headspace, Negotiation, performance time, Practice time, Rope Practice