There’s a period of time between when one hears of something adventurous, and the realization that they’re ready to jump in and experience that particular adventure itself. This period of time is different for different people or situations and it doesn’t always look like a neat line from “not ready” to “ready”. Depending on the adventure being considered and the person’s history with that particular subject, the decision to engage might be almost immediate, it may take decades of consideration and even a period of start-and-stop failure to get there, it may include periods of trying the thing out followed by periods of disinterest (or negative reactions that need to be sorted out) and then rejoining later on, or never… and anything around and in between.

This period of time is an important part of any person’s processing, and I don’t think we give enough credit to it when we talk about trying new things. This period of time offers a person the opportunity to face any baggage (past or present), pre-conceived notions, fears, or other judgements they have about the activity. Allowing one’s level of interest to grow and unfold organically can be the difference between a healthy, unhealthy, positive, or negative experience. It can increase or decrease resilience during and after one’s experimentation. Today I’m exploring this concept within the framework of sexy and kinky play opportunities, as a vital part of how one advocates for themselves.

The world of the adult playground is enormous, illusive, and exciting! It may also feel really overwhelming. No matter what you’ve tried in your lifetime, there’s always more out there to consider. Fantasies are wonderful, but they are not the same thing as desires.

Everyone experiences desire. Desires are those things we generally want to have or experience in our lifetimes. Desires can be things we fantasize about, however some desires we definitely don’t fantasize about at all. I desire to eat healthy, however I don’t fantasize about all the good food in my kitchen and how I’m going to prep it (usually).

Alternately, turning an established fantasy into a desire you endeavor to fulfill can be fraught with real world problems, which alter the nature of what you thought you wanted in the first place. It’s important to be attentive to the details pertaining to what you’re asking for, to have a better chance of enjoying the experience.

For most people there’s overlap in the realms of fantasy and desire. For some people, especially those who don’t fantasize frequently (or ever), there might be none. Just because someone both desires and fantasizes about a thing doesn’t mean they’re ready to make it happen. A person who fantasies about impractical and otherworldly things may have a hard time finding their way into engaging those fantasies, however much they’d like to, while someone with an illegal or unethical fantasy may find it easy to potentially create the situation they have in mind, but choose not to. In both of these scenarios role play can be a wonderful tool for actualizing your fantasies in an ethical and non-harmful manner. Of course role play means you’re bringing other people into your scenario, so articulation of what you want must become even more clear.

People fantasize about things they would never want to have happen to them and things that have happened which they wouldn’t want to relive. Our minds are complex. Fantasy serves as part of our internal processing of the world around us, our reactions to it, and the experiences we have.

Fantasizing can be used as a tool to more clearly sketch in the details of an experience you’d like to have, and it’s definitely good at telling you what about a scenario you’re actually into vs. what things you aren’t. Fantasy can help make a situation feel safer or more familiar and less awkward if you choose to play it out. Fantasizing about a scenario repeatedly can help one alter the details to an extent which feels right for further consideration in play.

Fantasies have context, even when they seem not to. For instance, if one fantasizes about a faceless lover, the person they desire may seem without context—meaning anyone with a mask might fill the fantasy part during play. However, upon replay of the scenario and closer observation, one might realize that the fantasy always leaves the fantasizer feeling a particular way, or the sensation of this faceless lover’s body is specific, perhaps the way the faceless person moves is key, how rough they are, whether or not they listen or have their own agenda, what their anatomy is like, or any other number of useful details may be derived from paying attention to fantasy details. In this way fantasy provides rehearsal, an opportunity to provide a clearer picture about what one actually wants and is attracted to.

When trying to play out a fantasy in real life, it’s important to talk about which aspects of the activity and environment matter to you. Think about the mood, think about how you want to feel after sceneing, think about what points you want to make sure you hit during the scene, and what potential actions or situations would take you out of it or interrupt your feeling of safety and enjoyment. It’s as important to talk about what you want as it is to discuss what you don’t want, in order for your scene to have a better chance of working out well for everyone involved.

It’s common when someone’s nervous to charge into an activity, leaning on some preconceived notion of how it’s supposed happen without having articulated any real specifics to the other people involved. This makes anyone involved more likely to make mistakes or unknowingly hit a trigger. Sloppy engagement leaves everyone involved having to play together through a reactive place. Working with people who are reacting instead of being present with their desires and needs can work for some people some of the time, but it’s not a good model. It can be disastrous, and there are better ways to engage.

Being present and prepared are tools I cannot advocate for enough. Presentness is the only way I know to read how emotionally, mentally, or physically “signed on” someone is to the activities they say they want—outside of them using words. Even being completely present and reading body language like an expert isn’t a standard which can be held higher than a person’s own recounting of their experience though. There’s no way to be in someone else’s brain and body, no matter how close to them you feel you are. For this reason, if you’re concerned about mitigating potential fallouts, it’s important to be present and care about consent, responsible negotiation, and check-ins with your play partners.

Consent is the buzzword of the day! I’m sure you have many ideas about why it’s important. I want to sidestep the obvious conversations about consent though, and take a moment to talk about how important it is to be aware of your own personal consent practices, as well as being sensitive to others’. Do you feel comfortable saying “no” to the person you’re negotiating with? If you don’t, then your consent isn’t going to do what it needs to do in the long run by helping to keep you safe. I often say to my partners and clients, “I can’t trust your yes until I can hear and trust your no”.

Practice saying no to yourself and to your partners regularly. Keep that muscle strong and vocal. Practice saying no to new people you meet. It’s never too early to let someone know what you mean, rather than what you think they’d like to hear. Practicing saying no will help you navigate uneasy desires with more clarity when they pop up. It can be hard to say no to something you desire when it’s being offered with red flags waving alongside. If saying no is something you feel comfortable saying, and negotiating a different set of circumstances is something you feel confident about doing, you’re in a great position to get what you want from a scenario. If you aren’t confident, chances are you may get yourself into a disappointing scene, or worse.

Consent concerning other people is also, of course, a very important concept to get comfortable with if you’re not already. Once you’ve gotten clear with yourself, consider the consent model, “FRIES”, to keep yourself in the clear with play partners. FRIES:

• Freely Given: When consent is freely given it’s given without manipulation, coercion, threat of potential punishment or gain, and it’s given soberly. Evaluate and ask whether you’re negotiating with someone under the influence of anything in order to gain meaningful consent.
• Reversible: Consent can be reversed or revoked at any time, and it must be honored if it is. Whether something dangerous has happened nearby, or a person is simply not enjoying the activity anymore, no still means no even if the answer was yes a moment ago.
• Informed: Consent isn’t consent if it isn’t informed. This covers things like disclosing STI status, general health risks, activity related risks, the skill level of the person topping a risky activity, etc. Sometimes we engage in activities that aren’t “safe”. Being informed about the risks involved in play is the difference between signing onto something consensually and being manipulated into it unethically.
• Enthusiastic: When a person kinda says, “Sure”, that’s not enthusiastic consent. Moving back to the notion of exercising our “no” muscles, one cannot accurately read whether a tepid “yes” is a result of them feeling unsafe to say, “no”, or not. If you’re unsure about whether your partner is really truly excited about engaging in an activity, ask again (if that’s appropriate) or decide to wait until you’re being asked with enthusiasm for that activity.
• Specific: Consenting to a kiss is not consent to grope. Be specific about what you want and what you expect from a scene with another person. This is where negotiation shines! You don’t have consent for activities you haven’t negotiated prior to playing. And, as a general rule, if you’d like to add an activity to the roster mid-scene, keep that idea for next time. It’s better to have a next time to look forward to, than harm someone as a result of assuming they’ll be ok with more (or different) than they asked for.

Responsible negotiation encompasses more than simply agreeing to do a thing that’s being asked. To responsibly negotiate it’s generally agreed that one should not be under the influence of drugs, alcohol, or other intoxicants. It’s not good form to renegotiate in the middle of a scene, especially once someone has reached any level of sub-space, Dom-space, or heightened emotional/mental/physical experience which releases any number of natural chemicals into the bloodstream, potentially causing a person to make choices they wouldn’t outside of the heightened feelings of the moment. Responsible negotiation asks that people really think for a minute about what they might like during a scene and go over all the options in order to achieve meaningful consent. It also helps people look at a scene differently and synch expectations to a greater degree. If I think sexy cuddle-time obviously ends in genital stimulation, but my partner likes to naked cuddle with no sex involved, we are potentially consenting to two different scenes! It’s important to say all the words.

Check-ins are a wonderful way to make sure you and your partner(s) are still on the same page as your scene unfolds. Sure, you have consent to do the thing and you’ve negotiated how to do it. Checking in allows you to see if the plan is working out or if any adjustments might be needed in order to have a better time. It’s also a great way for D-types to make sure Domspace (the flipside of subspace) isn’t clouding their judgement. Doms and Tops get spacey too, a reality rarely mentioned when the wonderful world of sub-space is discussed. I can definitely say there have been times I’ve looked back on a scene I was topping or Dominating and remember the feeling as if I was drunk—even with no substance use having occurred before play. Intimacy, connection, power, sensual, and sexual activities are powerful rituals which should be acknowledged as such. Not everyone has the same ability to “keep their head” when in these states take over. Check-ins really help.

Aftercare is usually part of negotiation, and it’s an important thing to consider before stepping into play. Aftercare is how you unwind from playing, how you get your needs from the fallout of coming down fulfilled. People talk a lot about subs and bottoms needing aftercare, but not usually Doms and tops. I think everyone involved in play needs to consider what they do and don’t need after engaging in play. Aftercare can be anything and nothing. It can look like service or clean up help or cuddling or having some food and drink. It can look like being alone or not having to talk to anyone for a while. It can look like a check-in the next day or a couple days later, and it can look like payment while walking into the sunset as someone else comes over to clean up the mess and cuddle your bottom. There’s no right way to do aftercare, and it’s best to negotiate it. Sometimes people need radically different things which might have to be creatively worked out.

So, next time an idea you’ve been dreaming about feels like something you want to make happen, consider the details as fully as you can. Do a great job negotiating, gaining consent, building check-ins into the scene, and working out aftercare. We’re on this magnificent planet to connect, as much as we’re here to experience our autonomous lives. Take care of yourself, and take care of each other.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
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