The following blog is from the point of view of someone learning to enjoy kink more fully in their relationship outside of kinky sex.  I think one subject that is not talked about enough, especially for D-types, is how much of a process it is to find your kinky side and embrace it, even when kinky play is something you enjoy.  Becoming unapologetically Dominant, Submissive, or kinky in general can be a process.  

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

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Photo by Henning von Berg (www.Henning-von-Berg.com)

I’ve been in a kinky relationship for pretty close to a year. In that year, my idea of kink and sex has changed. At first, sex was sex and kink was sex. If I were going to involve kink in my relationship, it would be kinky sex. I knew other people held kink and sex in similar regard and others don’t mix them. I knew why people did but it didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t know why, but at first I felt like kink should only happen if it was paired with sex.

For me, getting used to playing with people’s bodies in non-vanilla ways didn’t make sense. I had to get used to it. It felt a little off. It didn’t make sense because I didn’t know I liked it as much as I did. The idea of seeing someone bound, covered in clothespins, and covered in bite marks was titillating. I didn’t know what to do with that, or how to interact with that idea or someone who was actually bound, covered in clothespins, and covered in bite marks.

It wasn’t until I mixed the two that I realized how much I enjoyed kink. Maybe it was because I felt safe making the connection between being turned on and physically hurting someone. To me, at that point, it started making more sense to mix sex and kink. I was starting to enjoy sex more, the more kink was involved. It was the best sex I had ever had. Now, sex is great without kink, but at this point I’m finally feeling safe in exploring what turns me on outside of sex too.

I started realizing some of the difficulties I was having embracing kink were wrapped in talking with my partner about it all. The more I communicate with my partner about kink and my doubts surrounding it, the more we started negotiating effectively. Now when we negotiate, sex is considered a part of those negotiations, and though sex is on the table in our negotiations it isn’t always an activity that is played out. I’ve come to a point in my enjoyment of kink that kink can now be its own form of sex for me.

I am looking forward to seeing how my relationship with kink and sex continue to evolve over time. I think I have come a long way on my path to self and sexual realization and I know it can only get better.  I’m learning how to trust and accept my desires and the freedom that comes along with them. It’s a really liberating experience.

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~Thank you.

Be an ABCs contributor: Do you have a story or perspective to share about kink or would you like to promote a kinky event? Email Karin directly at: Karin @ ABCsOfKink . com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site. Don’t know what to write about? Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently. Happy writing, and thanks!