Sex vs. Kink

I was recently asked what the difference between “kink” and “sex” are. It’s a good question, which people will vary wildly in their opinions about. Following is my take on the subject. I encourage others to disagree and to articulate for themselves differently than I do here — one of the most important things we get from talking about sexuality is an evolving and broadening scope of understanding about how things function differently for others. These varied articulations can, in turn, help us understand ourselves more deeply, or in new ways. I am all for that.

I will start by stating that “sexuality” is something separate from “sex”. Sexuality is a general blanket term which describes the factors surrounding how someone likes to (or does) get off, or feel turned on. Peoples sexualities can be identified (sexual identity) in multiple ways and within different categories such as: kinky, vanilla, queer, straight, gay, bi/pan/omnisexual, asexual, leather, fetishistic, Top/bottom/Versatile, D/s, switch, Sadistic, masochistic, hedonistic, primal, so on and so forth, etc… Sexualities evolve, grow, change, are discovered and rediscovered, and emerge throughout one’s life as one has new experiences, is exposed to new concepts, and generally learns more, and accepts or rejects more about what they find. One’s sexuality is influenced by one’s behaviors, though frequently sexual behavior and sexual identity do not go hand in hand (more on this later).

“Sex” is a word which encompasses a series of activities that one can engage in (or not), and which contribute to a person’s view of their sexuality. What is and is not (what “counts” for) sex is defined differently by different people. For the sake of ease I usually define sex as “anything ending in the word sex or job”. By this definition I would include sexual intercourse (PIV intercourse, genital or anal penetration with toys, all types of fingering, hand jobs, fisting, anal sex), also oral sex (cunnilingus, blow jobs, rimming), scissoring, frottage, masturbation, mutual masturbation, and generally anything which includes the rubbing, sucking, or licking of genitals for the intention of getting someone turned on and/or in an orgasmic state, to be “sex”.

Sex is not just about activities though. How we feel about the activities we engage in, and what we want to believe “counts” accounts for what people label as sex as well. “Energetic fucking” can be as much (if not moreso) sexually satisfying, sexy, and pleasurable as plain old vanilla intercourse is. So is energetic fucking sex? Some would say it is, others would say it is not. The same goes for a lot of activities including some of the ones I have labelled specifically as sex above.

Did you have sex if PIV intercourse only happened for a second with someone you wish you hadn’t hooked up with? What about if it was someone you desperately wanted to fuck? It turns out that we’ll label what counts and what doesn’t count as sex differently depending on how we felt about the situation. People often also say things to the effect of “we sorta kinda had sex not really” in situations where they feel grey about consummation. Is it sex if no one orgasms? What about if only one person involved in the equation does? I don’t believe there is any hard and fast rule to completely defining what is sex and what is not sex. There are a lot of “sexual activities” though, and some of them sometimes seem to count more than others to the general population. It is absolutely possible to believe you have had sex with someone who does not consider the time you spent together sex at all.

Moving in the direction of our next subject for definition, I personally would consider all of the activities I outlined above as examples of “vanilla sex”. I am sure a lot of people would consider at least some of them to be “kinky” though.

A “kink” is a bend or an irregularity in the system. What is kinky and what is not kinky resides entirely in the realm of speculation and personal definition too. The first question one must ask when deciphering whether an activity is “bent” must be: whose system are we evaluating for kinks? Fact: what’s kinky to you may be completely vanilla to me. Things that were defined as kinky to me in the past, may now be viewed as mainstream and vanilla as I’ve gained understanding or experience of the activity in a new way. For instance, consider activities such as spanking and oral sex. Some people consider both of these things to be kinky, some consider both of these things to be vanilla, and people also believe all the variables in between. There is no hard and fast definition about what’s kinky until a person who wants to define it for themselves does so as such. Lines in the sand, all.

What’s the point of defining something as vanilla or kinky to begin with? Well, I think like all perfectly imperfect language useage, it’s shorthand to find others who might be into what you’re into. We take a general idea (rather than our stringent personal definitions) of what’s “normal” behavior and label ourselves on one side of the divide in hopes to attract or repel people who we believe may identify similarly or differently than ourselves. The follow up questions are the important ones to anyone you wish to engage sexually or kinkliy with: ok, so you’re [vanilla/kinky], what types of things do you like to do? What feels good? What drives you wild? What should I do/not do to turn you on?

Now let’s revisit that idea from earlier about “Identity vs. Behavior”. Someone may not identify as kinky, but may also get really turned on by, let’s say… being tied up. Their behavior, when they decide to get turned on by going out and getting tied up a bunch, may be viewed by others as kinky. So is that person kinky? To much of their community, the answer may be yes. Does it matter? No. It matters to the person identifying the way they identify why they choose the identity they choose. Even if they are enjoying categorically “kinky” activities on the regular, if that person identifies as vanilla, they are vanilla. We don’t know all there is to know about that person or their reasons for choosing one identity over another. A person’s identity is their right to define as they choose for their own reasons in whatever moment they are sharing it with others. It’s important that we trust and respect people and their processes of uncovering and defining their own lives. This doesn’t mean we can’t ask questions or have a great conversation about how we view the definitions of these words differently, and we can also discuss the finer points of growing and discovering or rejecting new facets of identity over time. This also doesn’t mean we should deliberately hurt or mislead others by being opaque to the meaning of our behaviors and the expectations we set up when we use certain words exclusively to people we’re sharing our identities and sexualities with either… At the end of the day, we are all works in progress for better and for worse. We are all responsible for meaningful clarity and reasonable transparency about our interactions with others. We do not all agree about where these gray definitions land, hence the need for multiple ongoing conversations about our needs, wants, and expectations from the people we’re sexual and sensual with.

How you feel about these subjects is important. How you feel about them helps you figure out your own personal boundaries and articulate yourself more clearly than if you only thought in black and white dictionary definitions about what “should” or “shouldn’t” make you feel turned on, sexual, or sensual with another person. Also, as important as it is to respect people’s differences, community standards exist and account for some degree of safety and general information dissemination for reasons. The young person who believes oral or anal sex “isn’t sex” may be more vulnerable to STIs because they believe they are still “a virgin” and therefore invulnerable to the consequences of engaging in sexual activity. Here we see that differing community standards can contribute to education and/or potential harm through an unexamined ignorance of all the contributing factors which play into behavioral reality. Does it matter that you’re [gay/kinky/monogamous/heteroflexible…]? Only to the extent that responsible conversations with the people you are engaging with sexually/sensually/kinkily/romantically with are able to happen relatively transparently.

So go to it! It’s the most natural thing in the world to be turned on. Let’s talk about sexuality, sex, kink, behavior, and identity…

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

Fluidity from Polarization

Recently I walked into a room of beautiful naked people who hadn’t seen me in a few months. Immediately I tore off my clothes, jumped on top of the pile, and while hugging all the bodies I could reach to squeeze, I asked what they were watching on TV…

One person remarked “you look really great, kind of different, what have you been up to?”, and I replied, “I started taking Testosterone!”. This particular foursome didn’t know I had been considering hormone replacement therapy, and they hadn’t seen me since my first shot. They do though (obviously), each know me at least semi intimately, and immediately smiles popped up all around with remarks like “it’s doing you good”, “I didn’t know you were going to do that, but it suits you”, and finally a room wide round of smiles and head nods as one person simply paused, then looked at me and said:

“Well it sounds weird to say, but you look more like yourself than I’ve ever seen you look before.”

What a blessing to have people in every port of my life not bat an eye when I let them know what’s up with my current explorations of self. What a gift of reflection back to me about following my heart and abandoning layers of anxiety. Thank you, Intimates, for celebrating the me outside of you — the one you watch pass through and do not need to define for yourselves to love. It is a gift to belong to you on my terms, and to have you joyfully and knowingly smile when I’ve decimated a box you’ve observed me keep myself within over time.

I also have to thank my little siblings, masters of the generation Millennial, who watched some of us Xers flounder and dissatisfying cluck and balk at the binary, the roles we were supposed to champion, but felt some level of unease around. That discomfort, our in-between-nesses and dissatisfied bitching, you read as a problem to be solved, a theory to work out anew, an upgrade to spitball wildly and freely about during redesign. Today I can more clearly understand my particular discomforts and the pain I felt coming out 20 years ago. There’s new language to articulate that instinctual angst: I have never been the “either” or the “or”, I have always been the “yeses” in between.

Thank you, flitting fluid little siblings, for helping me find comfort in my identity/body/impulse/home — I thought my place might forever be burdened with the sounds of argument and debate about where I was supposed to fit, which side I should relinquish to and take on with hardened pride. You emptied boxes of colorful dress-up clothes and glitter-bomb flash mobs on my floor, you thrust pretty flowered beards, impossibly androgynous crossdressing (if it’s even possible anymore) runway models, and hormone cocktails prescribed without “the script” at my generation’s rebellious “guyliner” beginnings. How beautiful was that day.

I remember you years before, your worry that you weren’t “trans enough” or “queer enough” to belong. In Jr. High and High School you and your friends showed up dressed to the nines made up like little miniature rockstars flocking to my gender bending performance troupe’s “Drag King 101” and “Gender, Orientation, and Identity Round Table Discussion” classes — it’s been a decade at least already. I was shocked way back then. I remembered how threatening and dangerous it was to be perceived as gay or lesbian at all when I had been your age, and there hadn’t even been a LGBT alliance in my school… You and your friends have ushered in an age which pledges allegiance to each queer’s inner flag, and we each, every one, find ourselves more deeply because of it.

Thank you for letting me teach you to tie your first tie — as “Drag King Papa Webb” it was an honor to initiate you into a realm of Queerdom. Thank you for repainting our clubhouse and blowing out a couple walls in the process. We needed fresh air, new inspirations, and a reinjection of Pride which invites a world of Wonderers, not only the recognizable queer archetype conformists inside.

Fluidity from polarization. The water we drink now, instead of the bread that we break. We can try on the clothes of any characters we’d like to play, and change as many times as we want in a day. Sure, we keep some favorite ensembles around, knowing they don’t have to match anything else in the closet also squirreled away… It feels fantastic celebrating the knowledge that what we do and do not wear on our bodies is but the expression of a moment. Art, revelry, and adjustment belong to each of us, dynamically, in our own time.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

Slut boy

My favorite condoms: non latex and the lube doesn’t irritate me…

Recently there was a week that I needed to do a lot of work on the computer… (not unusual). What was unusual was that I found it impossible to sit and get that work done. For a number of normal and abnormal reasons for me I couldn’t focus on the tasks at hand: I’m traveling a bunch, I keep not having internet access when I have the time to settle in and work where I am… but honestly the biggest reason it took me so long to attend to my work is that my brain just would not concentrate. Well, that’s a lie. It would only concentrate on one thing. It would only consentrate on sex. I felt like an addict. I have never experienced this amount of preoccupation with sex, getting off, and sexuality, as I did that week. I have been walking around in a fog of sexual alertness and everything else seems secondary to that primal need being fulfilled.

Turbo Slutting: I got on a couple popular gay dating apps, and started searching for the sexy human instruments with which I might scratch this itch. One day that week I ended up having sex with 4 different people (in 4 places — I’m not talking your run of the mill one stop shop orgy here). I had sex way more than 4 times that day, which while I know isn’t impressive to everyone, is certainly a far reaching record for me. What’s even more momentous to me about this experience is that at the end of the day I still wasn’t satisfied. No where near it.

It seems never ending, this desire to be turned on and the ability for my clit to jump while my cunt starts to water at even the slightest suggestion of an attractive stranger’s interest in me… It seems insane that I can be this turned on over and over and over again with no end in sight.

My entire experience of hooking up has been different too. After sex and orgasm I’m happy to chat with the person I’ve just worked out with, but I don’t feel particularly emotionally attached to them or interested in much more. Warm and cozy yes, but not amorous. We might exchange numbers, and perhaps we keep in touch again over the next couple days, but there’s a happy stranger out there, connected to me by a moment and I’m happy that in most cases it’s nothing more… Outside of sending me hot pics without comment and rekindling my libedo, I seem relatively disinterested or romantically inclined to try and impress or continue contact with them.

Yes, there have been connections which felt more magnetic, and I do hope I’ll see those people again, but I also accept that maybe it won’t happen and what we had would be quite alright if it never repeated itself again.

Out of the fog one day I was given hope though! At the end of my relentless week of sluttery I had a rendezvous with a very sexy someone who I’d been chatting with for a couple days. He was older, a master at dirty talk, Dominant and mischievous in a way I was compelled to melt around, and after a few hours of perverted revelry together in a room I felt my fever break (accompanied by the biggest orgasm I’ve had in a long long while). Afterwards, for the first time in what felt like forever, I settled in that night. I was clear headed, focused, and I got an entire week’s worth of work cleared off my plate. The following morning I felt good enough to write more before hitting the road for travel again…

Will I see this certain Sir again? I don’t know. I certainly hope I do — if for anything that it’s better for all my current employers sake’s.

Play On My Friends,
And talk about your STI status before you get too hard, wet, and carried away,
And for future fuck’s sake: carry the condoms and lube you like with you,

~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

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