If you’ve spent any time around me you might have noticed that I smell everything. I touch something, and I smell it. I stop and smell the flowers when I walk. I nuzzle my nose into nooks and crannies, I notice the smells of the room I’m in, or from block to block how lingering the pungent smell of a passing garbage truck has persisted.

I smell myself too. My emotions smell differently than one another. I have ruined shirts from too many wearings while fighting with a partner or feeling stress and fear. Fear smells are distinct from the sweat of a casual walk down the street or from being turned on. I can sometimes tell my partner’s mood by their smell. Smokers, drinkers, fast food eaters, people who are ovulating or menstruating or just took their “T” shot, people who are turned on, sick, drowning insecurities with perfume and deodorant, or having 15 different soaps, shampoos, make-ups, and other sprays lingering on their bodies and in their hair, the unwashed, the clean sweaty, those working in a barnyard or just out cutting the grass, digging in the garden, taking a walk in the woods, after cooking, clothes dried on a line in the sun, baby scalps (yes it’s absolutely a thing, try it if you haven’t sometime), getting closer to the ocean…

I love smelling things. That particular animal instinct is a turn on for me. Knowing exactly where I am on earth because of what I smell makes me feel more grounded and alive, and often more happy.

Once I walked into the bedroom of a friend of mine who I was dating. As I walked in I was hit in the face with the smell of sex — but it was the particular smell of sex that my other partner at the time made. Hours after their affair, without being told, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the two of them had been at play.

One of the sexiest things someone ever did during sex was bury their nose deeply in my armpit while fucking me, inhale wholly, and lick my patch of sweat and hair, obviously turned on by what they found there. I thought “That’s what I do!!!”, and wondered why other people don’t get up in there more frequently. You can’t keep me away from those folds holding a person’s scent. I will point out though, that deodorant and perfume on people really doesn’t smell or taste great while in a feral headspace.

I was surprised the first time I experienced a golden shower that what turned me on most about it was the animal scent of my friend. I immediately felt closer and more loving, more devoted to that person peeing on me. It erased the idea that I might be squicked or taken out of my headspace. Indeed, and excitedly, it pulled me further into the scene.

I’ve been thinking about the smell of testosterone lately. I can smell the synthetic testosterone carried inside some people taking T. It smells like the pheromones coming off naturally higher testosterone producing people, but slightly more… acidic? Acrid? Just a tiny bit. It only bothers me when it’s too much. I think that the different testosterone products smell somewhat differently from one another too (having taken two different versions of the hormone myself). When I started my own T injections my animal smell shifted pretty dramatically. What really fascinated me was that early on, in the first couple months, I smelled like me not on T, and I smelled like me on T… There was a distinct mix of my familiar lifelong musk and the sweeter smelling pungency of many men. The combination of the two was distracting to say the least. It was like smelling sex coming out of my own body from my armpit pores and from between my legs all the time. I was at attention for a week or two constantly feeling a little turned on and euphoric from inhaling a whiff of the mixed chemistry coming out of me.

The smells from my pussy are different too. I think they’re less distinct, and now that I’m not bleeding anymore the monthly garden of smells constantly shifting and turning over has calmed to a more uniform, lighter story. I miss my old smells to tell the truth, but these new ones are ok too.

Once I broke up with someone because they didn’t smell right to me. I found myself showering each time I got home from having a wonderful time with this person. I was madly attracted to them and we were beyond perfect for each other on paper. Luckily it turned out I didn’t smell right to them either, and we were both relieved when the conversation acknowledging that strange hang-up went so well. We’re still close. It’s interesting, hanging out with them after starting on T shots, I don’t dislike their smell as much anymore. I wonder if it’s because we’ve been friends for so long that their smell has become a comfort to me? Or maybe they’re eating differently? Or maybe having higher levels of testosterone circling my own bloodstream is aiming my nose and instinct a bit differently?

My cat’s fur sometimes smells like maple syrup. I could go on all day…

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

Hormones are REAL

A picture of me looking very tired but not like I’m allergic to everything! Simple pleasures.

Update from my last post: I started on Testosterone Enanthate (the new formula that hopefully I’m not allergic to) and it seems to be working really well! No more puffy dark circles under my eyes, weird facial puffiness or constant itching throughout my body for weeks on end at my injection sites, and at least for now no more mood swings making me feel strong one day and loathesome the next… I like it so far!

In other news I’m growing some chin hairs, and I have a darkening upper lip. In other other news I have a newfound understanding of the testosterone driven libido and I’d like to talk about that for a minute…

A friend of mine introduced the term “turbo slutting” to me the other day in response to telling them I was feeling insatiable sexually and had jumped head first into doing all the things about it. I finally understand dating apps with a “right now” edge to them. I never have before. It just happened one day — a light switch was turned on inside of me. One day I was regular ‘ol “interested in sex but not really Creature”, and the next day I was like… “mmmm I need to get on some gay boy dating apps STAT“! Elevated levels of testosterone coursing through my veins for the past few months has finally awoken my sexual interest in a way I have never experienced before. It’s marvelous… and exhausting. I’m also really enjoying feeling free and driven to seek out new sexual experiences.

All of the baggage I hold in my body and brain which has historically restrained me from being the slut I am in my fantasy world seems to have gotten shelved… Or more like it’s disintegrating and falling away. Hormone therapy has taken on a new dimension of meaning. If you read this blog you know I often talk about not being that into sex, while loving sexuality, kink, and sensuality. Right now, for a spell at least, it seems my libido is making up for lost time and really doesn’t give a fuck what play partners want as long as it’s hot and I get fucked about it in the end. It’s fascinating to me.

My experience of “right now” sex is a totally different headspace and emotional world than sexual connection was for me before. I feel like I understand “guys” on an entirely other level than I’ve ever been able to conceive of. I can see how most cis men and women are having completely different conversations about their needs surrounding sex and missing each other. The baseline experience surrounding sexual impulse is a completely different beast now that I’m taking testosterone, and I want to have all the conversations about what that means in our culture.

Hormonally I’m a teenage boy right now, and honestly I’m glad I’m 39 and not an inexperienced kid with an intense drive and no experience or street smarts or social supports to keep me and my partners safe. It makes me sad on a whole new level, experiencing what I’m experiencing, that this culture so represses and shuts down conversations about what the chemicals inside us make us think, want, and do as our sexualities come into focus, becoming more complex (and often fragile) instead of strong, resilient, articulate, and open.

I have a lot more to say about this subject, and honestly I wish I was part of a study on what it’s like to transition taking T. So many new understandings and insights are being felt in my body. It’s interesting to talk with some of the men I’ve been around lately too. I have been thinking over past conversations with lovers (male, female, and trans) about relationship needs and understanding my ex’s arguments surrounding sex in an entirely different way — a way I literally couldn’t even conceive of formerly. I also have a better handle on where they were probably not at all able to understand me.

More writing soon, my next blog will be a little more graphic about sexcapades… tune back in soon.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

Self Care Against Desire

What I hope to look like someday without spirit gum glue…

It turns out I’m allergic to the testosterone injection that I take. I’ve been prescribed testosterone cypionate which in injectable form is created from the testosterone cypionate chemical, suspended in cottonseed oil, and mixed with the preservatives benzyl alcohol and benzyl benzoate… I’m fairly certain I’m allergic to the preservatives, benzyl alcohol and benzyl benzoate.

I’ve been on T shots for about 3 months, and the side effects get steadily worse, so I’ve been lowering my dose hoping it would be less irritating to my body until a check-up appointment I have in September. In the meantime I’ve been learning about compound pharmacies and other forms of T that I could be taking instead. Compound pharmacies are pharmacies that will mix your prescription for you from the base elements, which gives people the option of drugs tailored to their particular physiology rather than being stuck with standard doses of standard drugs. The testosterone alternative to cypionate frequently used in the United States is testosterone enanthate. Enanthate is suspended in sesame oil and uses the preservative chlorobutanol which generally has a lot less allergy issues from what I can find on the chemical… That’s what I’ll try next. Unfortunately it is more expensive by about a third. Money aside though, I’d rather not look tired all the time, have headaches, dark circles under my eyes, a puffy face constantly, a red and itchy face, neck, and injection site, or have the injection site remain irritated for longer than a week at a time… These are not normal side effects.

It takes time though to know what’s normal and what isn’t when you’re on a new drug. It doesn’t help that I’ve been traveling all over the place for as long as I’ve been taking shots — is my reaction environmental? Is it my diet or caffeine withdrawal this week? Is it the drugs? Is it transition itself? I get itchy when hair wants to grow in new places on my body. My face morphs and changes over the course of each week and I can’t tell if this is because of the allergy or because of my shapeshifting from testosterone? My body weight, fat distribution, and strength shift over the course of the week, my voice is getting lower and plays up and down a varied course too. There are days I love my body and days I’m really uncomfortable in it. There are a number of factors which feed into each of these observations. It’s hard to know for sure what’s normal and what is not. I look forward to mid-September when I get back to my doctor and can be prescribed a different drug.

I am writing this here today because I think it’s important to know what you want, yes, but it is equally (if not more) important to be physically self-aware. There are consequences to everything. Whether it be bruises from a great night of rough body play, hickies from steamy kisses on the neck, or losing your job for calling in sick after another long night of hang-over inducing fun… What matters is that you know your body and are choosing, to the degree you are able to, the consequences you receive.

I am negotiating with T these days. I might have to take some time off this course. I might have to look into options that are healthier for me, that create less physically expensive consequences. At the end of this desire to alter my physique is a healthy person who knows themselves and doesn’t need a drug more than I need my health. There are a million ways to be who I am. I am being honest with my journey. Following someone else’s path toward success will never bring me as much success as listening to my own needs and finding answers which first and foremost work for me.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

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