Creatures Talk

Photo by RADskillZ Photography 2013

As I navigate perpetually, the adult and kinky world, I find it ever more interesting to come in and out of conversations with people who are looking for that “something” they cannot put words to. I understand this intimately, of course, as I’ve had my own years of no words for urges — and sometimes resistance to the words I do know.

I remember being young when sex was brand new and I had feelings and desires to please, but no understanding of how my own body worked really (I’m still learning). The emotional rollercoaster of trying new things and feeling afraid that I’d done something wrong the day after… Those were the rough and tumble Gen-X days where “no meant no”, before “yes meant yes” was even a thing, and honestly as long as no one was saying no, you just kept watching for signals, picking up on the language of the body in front of you, and asking questions… Well, I asked a lot of questions. I was repeatedly brushed off by some partner’s resistance, mumbling that I was weird for asking: “how does that feel?”, “can I bite harder?”, “Tell me about your fantasies?”, “What was sex with your last partner like?”… It just seemed natural to ask — I wanted to know and I wanted to please, I wanted to understand what actions felt like to other people. Vulnerably talking about sex has always been a turn-on. Talking about sex makes sex feel safer and more accessible to me.

The partners who were experimental were always my favorites. We would work out algorithms in bed, or construct science experiments to find out what might happen if… We would unfold our fantasies for hours with one another and surprise each other with an instruction video about “how to” that thing, or a new toy tossed on the bed, or… or… or. Mmmm.

The partners I’ve had who didn’t like to talk about sex triggered my own stuff, locked up in fear and shame. I had a hard time feeling turned on with those people, though I loved them, because I didn’t know what to expect and I didn’t know if I was ok to try. I constantly thought I was going to get in trouble for doing something wrong… No one was asking me what I wanted in those relationships either, so if what was happening didn’t work, frustrations would often abound when I tried to speak up and connect about it or shift the scene elsewhere. Explosions sometimes. Too often. For years I just tiptoed further and further into my own underground, suspending my pleasure in an effort to un-disruptively please. There were some who were half and half — eager to learn from me and play but withholding of their own inner worlds — desires I could never understand because the answer to what they wanted always just fell flat. So we would come up up empty handed in our ups and downs leading to fun-and-unfulfilled in the end.

Can I teach you how to talk and listen? Can I help you practice saying the words? If I could be your lover/sub/Dominant I think those might be my favorite games…

I want you to challenge me and my libido by getting into it with me when we’re together. Good, bad, ugly, divine — can we remain open in our primal elements near one another’s critiques and fantasies? Curiosity seems the most natural way to be. I want negotiation be the song which gets our hips shifting in time and both of us smiling.

I want to unlock your/our/my potential when we connect. I want sex and kink and all the things we intimately desire to be like a vacation or a road trip together. Your body is a map I am discovering with a missing key that together we construct, figuring out each easy-to-complex symbolic meaning. Let’s hunt paths to their natural conclusions or trace back origins, learn new ways of interpreting each idea and riff off into uncharted land… Through trust let’s conjure instinct, and just ’cause instinct let’s not abandon conversation.

I often cannot give an enthusiastic yes to your blunt sex question, but I can usually give a thoughtful and honest “let’s try”! I’ll let you know if it isn’t working, and you’ll probably know if it is. In our current world ruled by articulation via keyboard we’re losing attention to detail — scent shifting, facial spasms, breath patterns, energy flow, eye connection… If you hate what just happened, kindly tell me please. I have no desire for you to endure my experiment which was designed to try and turn you on in the first place. Let’s talk and listen in all the ways about what we’re doing. Let’s figure things out rather than fight about intentions in the face of failed experiments or miscommunication. Let’s utilize our primal instincts and check in. The instinct of good loving is animal, and creatures talk, after all.

Play On My Friends,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and support me. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

T is for TOYS

Oooooohhh, toys…  What a wonderful land of opportunity, creativity, and play!  New sensations abound, ideas and fantasies are launched, and inspired positions unlock levels achieved!  There are a million types of toys out there, and I have absolutely no room to get into all of them here, but I will talk your ear off about some things you may want to keep in mind when it comes to adding the big “T” into your play…

Spreader bars and wrist cuffs!

Spreader bars, wrist cuffs, and hitty toys abound!

Are toys kinky?  You betcha!  Not only are a lot of toys made specifically for kinky play (the violet wand, nipple clamps, fur-lined handcuffs), but a lot of people think that sex toys in general are kinky weirdo things to introduce into the boudoir only if you’re the “adventurous” type…  then again, if you’ve spent the time and energy to build a “boudoir” I’m gonna guess you might have embraced adult toy play into your life already.  Here’s a list of toy types, and by NO means is this list complete – you tell me what I’ve missed:

  • Butt Plugs (if it’s going in your butt make sure it has a base!)
  • Dildos
  • Vibrators
  • Glass Toys
  • Harnesses (chest, pelvic, thigh, chin, shoe…)
  • Duotone Balls, Ben Wa Balls, and Exercise Balls or Wands
  • Anal Beads and Anal Hooks
  • Bondage Tape
  • Massage Oils and Massage Candles
  • Edibles (everything from edible underwear to lickable body powder and chocolate finger-paints…)
  • Nipple Clamps
  • Hitty Toys (usually broken into “stingy” or “thuddy” categories)
  • Boy Toys
  • Cock Rings/Cock Cages
  • Collars
  • Gags
  • Enemas
  • Rope, Straps, and other restraining, decorative, or suspension tying things
  • Games (board, card, truth or dare booklets, dirty dice…)
  • Sharps, Knives, Whartenberg Wheels, Vampire Claws, and other scratchy devices
  • Hoods, Blindfolds, and Eye Masks
  • Massage Wands (plug-ins and rechargeables)
  • Sex Furniture (from sex slings to spanking benches, fucking machines, position pillows, and more!)
  • Waterproof Bedding
  • Electrical Toys
  • Insertables
  • Inflatables
  • Extenders
  • Dialators
  • Zentai, Leather, Latex, Lace, Lengerie, Shoes, and other Wearables
  • Oh, and stuff people just find to use during play – lets call these “improvisationables” (like wooden spoons, clothespins, various bits of hardware, dowel rods…  you get the idea)
  • Pornographic and Erotic videos/films/DVDs
  • Comic Books, Photography Books, Erotica…
  • Well really:  Books on everything
  • Not to mention Classes in everything too
  • And all the other things I have not mentioned…
Photo by Morderska

Photo by Morderska

Toy safety:  There are some things you want to think about when it comes to toys, especially since many of these items could come in contact with your sensitive bits, your juicy parts, and any of your bodily fluids or solids.  You’re going to want to consider allergies and other health issues, contamination and cleaning, and (unless you have a REALLY great custody plan in place) ownership.

First and foremost before you buy, and definitely before you apply, talk to your partners about allergies and know your own.  A lot of people are sensitive to latex and even if you aren’t using a rubber toy, it could be present in something else you are using.  The elastic in a harness, gloves, dental dams, condoms, some types of jelly rubber, elastic rubber band parts, and other little culprits are commonplace in adult toystores, and not all store clerks are educated to be aware of allergen considerations.  I definitely recommend doing your own research on the materials that comprise the objects of your desire, and buying from local vendors or stores who support local artisans who can talk to you about how the items are made.  Other health concerns many smaller sexuality boutiques and sex-positive vendors care to educate themselves about and can help you understand better have to do with knowing about toxic chemicals in certain toys that may off-gas or be cancerous, and what products are and are not compatible with each other (for instance you should never use a silicone lube on a silicone toy as it will soften and deteriorate the toy over time – water based is just fine; likewise any latex you are using should never touch oil as a lubricant as the latex will melt – so never lube a condom with vegetable oil unless your aim is for the condom to be rendered completely useless).

Image by Mllerustad

Image by Mllerustad

Contamination is an issue some people don’t consider with toys.  Many materials are porous, which means they will hold onto some bacteria even after being washed with soap and water.  To clean your toys, most can be washed with warm soap and water (keep your electronic parts and battery packs dry though), or wiped down with rubbing alcohol after use to disinfect the surface.  Silicone is a great material in that it is a non-porous substance that can be boiled for a short amount of time for further disinfection/germ killing when needed.  A very common way to pass STIs/STDs from partner to partner is through the use of inadequately disinfected toy sharing.  When in doubt, just like the fleshy members, use a condom when you share.  Another important contamination issue to consider is the event of toy use anally and vaginally or orally.  If a toy has been used anally it needs to be thoroughly cleaned and disinfected before it is put into another hole.  Infection is NOT a fun byproduct of play!  Again, you can use a condom between orifices; just make sure the toy is adequately covered during use.

Ownership is important when it comes to sex toys.  Believe it or not, your lovely, fun, silly, beautiful, sexy, cherished, favorite little dildo may someday disappear into your freshly minted ex’s suitcase.  Even though you are SOOO IN LOVE when you finally decide to afford the thing, silicone, wood, rubber, glass, metal, leather, and rubber do not come with visitation rights printed on the receipt.  Think about how you feel about these things.  Do you want to use toys with more than one partner?  Are there toys you use regularly you feel should belong to you regardless of who bought them?  If the purchase is a joint one, who is the keeper of each item?  Talk about it.  Do you prefer to use toys with only one partner and never keep them around after (that could be very expensive over time, and what do you consider a “toy”)?  …  Adult playthings are kind of like books – attach your name to them before you ever need to.

My Toybox:  I worked as a store clerk, toy buyer, book buyer, sexuality educator, and toy party hostess for a long time at a sex shop, and while my existing toy chest is not by any means extensive or all encompassing, I am quite proud of the variety and quality of my estate.

I was almost 21 when I learned to masturbate.  I had been sexually active for many years prior to that and had never had an orgasm.  When I realized it was time to learn, I purchased a copy of Betty Dodson’s “Sex For One” and a vibrator and, well, the secret to my success was revealed!  Sufficed to say vibrators play an ongoing and featured role in my play life and I keep a wide variety on hand.  I have some good quality hitty toys that I love and drool over: canes, a flogger, a riding crop.  I have no less than 4 harnesses (and would really love a nice good looking thigh one to add to the collection), and a few fun silicone dildos that accompany.  Rope, hardware, collar and leash, wrist restraints, bondage tape, massage candle, three beautiful glass dildos, an anal toy or two, ben wa balls, duotone balls, a pelvic floor exercise wand, cock rings (regular, vibrating, and one you can attach a leash to), feather tickler, remote operated vibrating egg, whartenberg wheel and a ring with scratchy tines, safety scissors, blindfolds, lube (silicone as well as glycerin free water-based), polyurethane condoms, non-latex gloves, books upon books upon books… and I’m sure there’s more that I’m just not thinking of.

Do I use all these things regularly?  Oh man, I wish!  No.  In reality about 5-6 of these items get semi-regular play, and about 1-2 of them are just use-it-all-the-time faves.  The rest gets used here and there, or just makes it’s living as a really great display item for my bedroom wall.

Where to find these wonderful things:  The awesome store I worked at for many years was woman owned and run, and called Grand Opening!.  While that place no longer exists, it is part of a movement of sex-positive sexuality boutiques that offer their customers the wonderful advantage of being sex stores that are focused on customer service, sexuality education, and sex-positive/feminist/non-objectifying environments.  Usually these stores will feel very comfortable and homelike, you’ll find there are “tester” toys out on shelves so you can pick a toy up and look at it before deciding what to purchase rather than deciding based on a picture on a box.  Many of these places will have specialized packaging for their toys that are neutral or less objectifying than the boxes with pornstars or graphic body parts adorning (like you’ll see in most sex store warehouses, chains, or smaller shops that are not taking a female perspective in mind with their layout and marketing).  These places are usually ones you can feel pretty comfortable at, places you can ask the store clerks questions and get in depth replies at, and places you might also be able to sign up for classes in sexy subjects!  These sexuality boutiques are often (though not always) owned and run by women, they are generally queer friendly, sometimes carry merch from local vendors, and often sell toys of a higher quality and made of safer materials for the health of your body.  I highly recommend checking some of these places out.  The first place I’ll send you to is a store that two of my old co-worker friends started in Albuquerque, NM called The Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center (Self Serve Toys).  I recently had a chance to visit the place and LOVED what they’ve done with it.  Even if you’re not in New Mexico, please consider ordering from them online, they are remarkable people who have really wonderful goals when it comes to sexual health and play!  One of the oldest companies defining this sex-positive boutique model and a company that really sets the standard in how the sex toy industry can grow is Good Vibrations.  They have stores in a bunch of different cities around the US.  You can check out Babeland too, one of my coworkers from back in the day was a manager at that small chain after her stint at Grand Opening!.  I had the pleasure of stumbling into a place in Ventura, CA named Kama Sutra Closet (though soon the owner is changing its name to Trystology), the owner was a wonderful woman to talk to and I love her style.  I’ve always enjoyed shopping at Toys of Eros in Provincetown, MA and Mister Sister in RI as well…  There are a million little stores that fit this model, and I highly encourage you to find ones near you if you can.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

 

Introducing: Karin

Me today!  I’ve been thinking about a story from my youth…  one of those “uh-huh, yup” stories…

Photo by Maclapessoa

Photo by Maclapessoa

Mr. Potato Head  was the first toy I ever played with in a sexy fantasy type way.  At the end of third grade I moved a couple towns over from where I’d been since kindergarten.  That was just at the age I started to feel flirtatious awakenings in my little body.  I remember fantasizing about one of the kids in my class while falling asleep one day and feeling really great about it, even though I’d never experienced that before.

Forth grade was the grade we got the “this is what your ovaries look like, and boys have vas deferens” talk, and my mom took it upon herself to sit me down in the local Pizza Hut and draw pictures of the reproductive tract carefully explaining the Birds and the Bees and my period and go over just one more time whatever those vas deferens things were and how they might play a role in my potential future reproductive life…

My best friend from my old school would come over and play with me some afternoons.  In full disclosure I had had a serious crush on this girl for years.  She made me really happy and I wanted to be with her all the time, play whatever games she wanted to play just as long as I could be around.  We used to write one another at least once a week and post our letters to one another in the mail.  Somewhere I should still have a stack of them unless they’ve been attacked by mold and time.  So, she’d come over to play and we’d pull out the Mr. Potato Head set.  I had a Mr. and Mrs..  We’d decide that since they were married they probably had sex.  They probably had sex a lot.  And we’d figure out just how in our subsequent time together…

Ears and noses went in holes they should(n’t), the backdoor flap was constantly open for more and more to either be pulled out or shoved inside, and we didn’t care who was dressed as what.  Mr. and Mrs. would be Mr. and Mr., Mrs. And Mrs., or just indescribable meshes of genderless plastic potato flesh making happy little moans while frequently switching positions…

I think it’s kind of funny, in hindsight, that my first sexy play wasn’t with Ken and Barbie or any other kind of dolls except the ones that could switch gender and use toys to pleasure one another.  Sexual shape shifters who’s emphasis was on the creation of their good time, rather than simply old fashioned missionary humping.  Perhaps we are who we are in this life, regardless of how long it takes us to embrace it?

What do you think, do you have any of those stories from your past?  Comment below or write in, I’d love to publish if you’re willing to share (credited or anonymous as you like).  Be well my friends, and enjoy your current play-dates, whatever flavor they may be!

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

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