In Service, and to Success

This month has been an incredible one. I’ve made a lot of art, I’ve vacationed with important chosen family with whom I share cross-sections of identity with (that I don’t share with many others in my life). I’ve networked, showcased, performed, premiered, attended trainings, and kept up with the day job gigs, I’ve made time to visit friends, and was accepted into an herbal training internship starting in a couple weeks! It’s also been a brutal month emotionally—a long time since I’ve felt as depressed as I consistently struggled feeling over the past 4 weeks. I don’t know that there’s a way to reach peak highs without also accepting and struggling through peak lows. Would I trade this emotional reality for another? I don’t know…

I’m in an interesting place right now. My roommate is leaving very soon to tour the country and find eventual housing in warmer climate (jealous!). I’m overjoyed for them. Also change is hard. It’s difficult to envision keeping my place and paying twice the rent and utilities, considering I struggle to make ends meet already. My home is a smaller one, perfect for a couple, or people who are already close and communicate well. It’s a much harder space to negotiate between strangers. My values are also communal, and I want my home to be a safe and welcoming place for people who need to be with me for a time, for those who seek training in safety and BDSM skills, and for those who want to collaborate and make art together. I don’t know what equation will work in the end, but something will have to pick up for me to continue on as I have been.

I’m considering offering a skill share meet-up regularly at my place. I’m musing on the possibility to rent out one of the bedrooms in my place as a space for subs-in-training to use intermittently. I’d like to build some bookshelves in the living room, and set that area up for consulting.

This morning I had a session with a client I wrestle and role play with. Every time I meet with this person I’m reminded why I love the Dom work I do. Playtime is important—and that doesn’t lessen in adulthood. If anything, the moments we have to play games that we love, to feel the things we desire to feel, to have playmates who will listen to us and give of themselves for our benefit and needs, become even more important with age. I am passionate about this. My client remarked that one of the things he loves about seeing me is that, while I completely get what he’s looking for and bullseye the character and scenario, I’m also just a good person and that makes him feel good about our time together as well. Not everyone will be a perfect fit for my style as a Dominant, teacher, or service provider but I can say that the one thing I look for in my clients is this same thing too. I want to work with people who are sincere about their needs, and who value our transaction and my abilities.

To a steady and resounding YES to growth and opportunity within my own self and my industries. To an ever expanding understanding within the public about the differences between getting one’s needs met respectfully and getting them met opportunistically. We’re at an interesting moment in time where public discourse about who we are as individuals, what we need, and who has control over our bodies and the labor we pursue or deny with our bodies, is shifting and becoming less repressive and more autonomous. Women, people of color, queer and trans people, immigrants, and other marginalized people are beginning to be heard over an elite who have been in control of policy for a long time. As the middle class effectively realizes it has disappeared into the ranks of the working poor, we are reexamining the system itself which has always held some people up demographically over others, and has generationally kept itself in business. I’m excited to see how we’ll shift, and how we’ll band together for effective change.

I’m an artist. It’s my job to hold a mirror to society. I am a queer person, working poor, visibly trans, a sex educator, consultant, and professional. It is my job and desire to help free those who are oppressed (in the ways I am able to aid) whether because of personal repression, family, or society. We have one body in this lifetime and through better and worse it is the one thing we have at our command, and the one thing we have in service to others. I want to succeed for myself (of course), but even moreso I want to succeed in order to create opportunity for freedom around me.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please visit my Patreon, offer one time Support or email me for other options. Thank you.

In Service to Gold

My “Ropes” performance adjusted for a film scene. Photo still from the short film “Legitimate” by Izzy Lee

I’ve been trying to figure out where to put my energy these days, and it’s a little overwhelming. Moving forward in a career which I feel has no real definition other than “utilizing my talents and drive” is hard. It takes risk, and energy, and for building blocks to be invented and reinvented constantly.

I write this blog on kink, sexuaity, gender, identity, and politics. I get paid through my Patreon campaign to support it. It’s steady work even if it isn’t a lot of money, I make about $375/month. That’s not as much as I’d like, but I’m grateful to have built up to this point. Hopefully as my blog’s reach grows so will my patreon supporters. I know I need to be better at advertising and asking people to support it directly. Here’s practice: If you enjoy reading this blog, or have mentioned it to someone else, or have found yourself thinking about my writing from time to time, please consider contributing to support me through My Patron Campaign. Thank you.

I am also a professional Dominant. I don’t gig doing this very regularly. Though when I do have the opportunity to, I enjoy it extraordinarily. I am a consummate lover of connection, and have a personal fetish for being paid and feeling valued on the job. Professional Dominance highlights my interpersonal skills, natural sadomasochism, lust for research, enjoyment of teaching and challenging the people around me, love of doing things well, and affecting others. It challenges me to be fully in the moment with my client. Each scene is just that (similar to my theatrical practice), a moment in time with a beginning, middle, and end, and we rehearse these adult games, these flesh sports, these sensational experiences for so many varied reasons — definable and not. It is a fantastic ride. I do BDSM sessions, and I also train people in submission and service. I enjoy guesting at various dungeons and sceneing with other Doms when I have the opportunity to as well.

I just started camming. It’s an ok way to make some money on the side. So far other than it being a bit on the boring side, it’s entertaining enough. I enjoy private shows the most — again being a connection lover it feels more rewarding financially, conversationally, and in the moment. There’s definitely a learning curve I’m on, but it’s an interesting way to fill a few hours when I’ve got them.

I teach drag king classes, performance art skills, all about the creative process, ballet and other movement techniques, character development and acting, gender exploration workshops, sex/gender/identity lectures, sexuality education, BDSM skills, the list goes on, and I also direct. My clients are high school GSAs, colleges and universities, business companies, people who organize a group of friends to get together, individuals who approach me for help with a certain project, piece of art, personal idea, or desire. I love these gigs and feeling helpful when I’m supporting someone in a way that’s important to them, or encouraging a person to try something new, or teaching skills that are valued.

I perform my own original performance pieces for production companies, party hosts, bachelor and bachelorette parties, event coordinators, bars, theaters, and schools who hire me to be in their curriculum all over the country. I create new content, choose from a long list of performances I’ve created over the years, offer up my solo show: NO SHAME, or rework a favorite piece to be more appropriate to the particular audience I’m performing for. My work spans performance art genres from drag to burlesque, monologues, character acting, spoken word, mask, dance, puppetry, interactive characters, living statue, storytelling, physical theater, and straight up performance art. I’ve been a professional in this career since I was 11 years old, and have multiple degrees, certificates, and awards in my field.

I make art. Visual art. I’m immersed in a couple of projects currently. I create my own costumes, props, sometimes set pieces, and other objects my performance and visual art installations require. My visual art is multimedia spanning across costuming, jewelry making, puppet and doll creation, design, painting, found object manipulation, photography, animation, and whatever else I need to learn to make an idea materialize.

None of these things on their own are paying my rent. Together they are keeping me at a level barely afloat, and I wish I was not as close to my bottom line. For now it seems to be working though, and I’m grateful to be at the place I am at. It’s been a lifetime to get here. I spend a good percentage of my time doing administrative work rather than actually creatively building and gigging. Booking, negotiating, applying for opportunities, website building and maintenance, outreach, networking, research on whatever specific idea I’m currently working on, trying to maintain a reasonable social media presence, the list goes on… That’s the bulk of where my time is spent.

Do I wish I made more money and that it wasn’t so hard to stay afloat? Yes.

Do I think I’m valued by the communities of people I work with? Yes, in fact very much by some, and that feels extraordinary to me. It helps me not give up (I often feel as though I could).

Do I wish I was spending more time creating and gigging than grinding away at office duties for most of my day? Absolutely! I would love to have a booking manager/office manager supporting me by piecing this crazy career together. It’s hard to find someone with the skills I need though who’s willing to get paid gig by gig.

Am I grateful to be where I am? Very grateful. Thank you.

Thank you for reading this blog. Thank you to those of you who find ways outside of reading to support me. Thank you to people who send gigs my way, hire me directly, and think of me when they have questions about identity or sexuality, or hire me to have talk sessions or counsel them as they work toward personal goals of their own. I am passionate about these things, and all of the pieces help me grow into who I mean to be.

I don’t see the difference between art which is hanging in a gallery, the art which is my body telling a story on stage, or the beauty and gold I can cultivate and coax out of someone’s body/mind/emotional experience when we intentionally meet with a goal in mind. I love people. I admire struggle and meaning making and connection. I get excited to share what I know and what I see and explore unknowns with those interested and willing. This work is real work, and sometimes it’s hard to reckon with the reality that even attendants of fantasy and muses with far-reaching skills need to eat.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

The Other Side of Expectation

I found myself in the middle of a wonderful moment the other night. It was simple enough, I was eating dinner with a couple friends in my bedroom. I was dressed comfortably for the cool weather, and relaxed on my bed as we ate. We were in my bedroom because I have just moved to a new apartment and don’t have any furniture for the living room yet, and our kitchen is too small for a table… One of my friends was collared with a dog collar around their neck and topless, wearing only a rope harness I had tied onto their body earlier. They were eating out of a dog dish with no hands at the foot of my bed and grinning ear to ear while chatting about this and that between mouthfuls… This charming pup/boy had cooked dinner and served my guest and I: a wonderful and tasty vegan dinner paired with wine. They were collared and harnessed because they are my pup/boy, and it was the least I could do in appreciation of their service and care for the evening. (Well, I suppose I also beat them up a bit as well — just enough to get them giggling and smiling and merrily on their way to the kitchen…)

My other guest was stripped completely naked and kneeling properly on a blanket on the floor by my side. Beautiful posture, quiet demeanor, and holding a small tea saucer and chopsticks in his hands. His eyes were big practically unblinking saucers throughout our meal, experiencing the moment he was in wholly, and taking small bites of the food I placed on his dish from my own plate. His attention was studied and careful, eating when I ate, drinking when I drank, and gracefully taking the whole experience in. This guest of mine had just cleaned my bathroom while dinner was being made. Earlier in the evening I had brought him to his first proper sex positive/kinky/queer/feminist sex store… If his eyes were dark saucers of pupil now during this meal, you can imagine how the soft brown of his irises had disappeared in that environment earlier. Under my instruction he had bought a new toy he was curious about trying out. I am holding the gift in my home until he has learned enough about pleasing me to earn his reward…

In the middle of our simple dinner I thought to myself, “Oh this, this is my life — this is my life and I am so very happy and grateful for it”.

Is this blog meant to brag about my situation? No, but I do want to talk about that feeling. I experience this particular shade of gratefulness not infrequently in the midst of nontraditional happenings. It creeps up on me during sex and fetish parties while trussed up in bizarre predicaments, or watching a room full of people vulnerable, raw, and connecting deeply. I get it performing onstage with talented politically adept fellow actors who are telling their stories and raising fists against the ghosts and injuries of their pasts. This feeling washes over me on perfectly temperate days sitting in the sun deep in nature away from other humans, and it comes to me when I’m lost in writing or my art making process. This feeling tastes like contentment infused with excitement, there are hints of sensuous power at the edges of it’s balanced and grounded finish. The feeling is a restful animal, turned on, full, knowing all is right with the world.

How did I find myself here in this beautiful moment surrounded by good food, a happy pup, and turned on houseboy? In short, I got here because I made it happen. The more detailed answer is through years of hard work examining my own issues and trying out different paths towards pleasure. I got here by fighting for my own identity to be acknowledged — first by myself, and then by others around me. I got here by studying sexuality and human behavior, by making mistakes along the way, and acknowledging the depths to which I self-repress. Like most people I sometimes release my needs sideways, which is a problem I’ve consciously kept examining and challenging, and committed to work towards a more and more direct path to pleasure — my own and others’. I’ve zig-zagged through relationships which did not suit me finding a million reasons to better learn “no”, I’ve learned to stand my ground about gender, sexual identity, non-monogamous heart longings, kink-over-sex limitations (my healthy preferences)… I’ve had to accept myself first against deep fears that I will be abandoned or slandered by those who don’t understand my wants and needs in effort to be happy. I’ve battled guilt about advocating for my desires, and I’ve come to the other side stronger and more fully realized after each ending.

Along the way I’ve met more and more friends who understand me layers down deeply. Friends who see me and who value my voice as I celebrate and thrill at the creatures they are too. I’ve met people who have given me permission to be wholly myself, who’ve demanded I say what I mean rather than what I think anyone listening expects to hear. I have learned to better love from these imps and faeries as they’ve allowed me. I’ve started to dare showing up in spaces I was afraid were not mine to inhabit (though I’ve fantasized for decades about being welcomed in them), and I’ve felt my jaw drop in awe at the beauty there which I’ve spent years missing out on, by way of fear, self worth traps, and denial.

This is what it’s like to live outside the comfort of dominant society. There are gifts glittering in the trees and campfires of our queer Elders who reside on the outer edges of normativity. I’ve found new breath in dirty drafty bars smelling of stale tobacco, leather, cheap beer, and human musk. There are concrete rooms draped in cloth and furnished with benches, wooden rigs, and outfitted with toys of every imagined use, which hold onto the sweaty stench of lust while nightly showcasing mad desires and the everyday stunt people who conquer knives, needles, whip lashings, feather ticklers, gruff melting words to the ear, bootprint bruises, chains for hitting or bondage, seduction via a potent mix of jealousy/shame/compersion/voyeurism released during a bull’s intentional thrusts, and in dark corners you can find instances of heartbreaking love coursing through the body of a kneeling silent creature holding onto the well known leg of their Master…

From the years of puberty on we are taught to see some “thing” that we want, and conquer it with a quick fuck, a ring, relational rules tempered by selfishness and leading frequently to lies. I am grateful to be sitting in a room with people who make my heart sing. I am thankful to have scattered across the country playmates of varied genders and relationship styles who are as happy to have me in their bed as they are to simply take tea and catch up, or choreograph an evening of humiliation and pain, or submit to my will, or mold me, putty that I am, between their own fingers for a night… I like this adult life of eyes which sparkle, pupils that dilate wide in awe and anticipation of what comes next in our scene, of building trust through clear and open communication of our fantasies, our desire, boundaries, always ruled within the constitution of presentness, consent, respect, and earned trust.

We are a tradition of animals who have told ourselves “no” enough times to understand what we are capable of, and not starting in until we are ready to jump. We are improv performers gifted at exiting gracefully from our scenes when we are ready for an end. We are bodies full of scars and pleasure points hidden sometimes from even ourselves, scouring each other’s maps for adventurous answers to common problems. We are simple. We are ridiculous. We are educated in the dangers we employ, and oathed to take responsibility for inevitable downfalls, for our mistakes and unforeseen consequences. We find happiness in silly places — and goddamn if that in itself isn’t some kind of satisfyingly sexy win.

If  you didn’t know it, this is a love letter. Thank you to the scores of friends who have guided and helped shape my journey, to the hands pleasuring my way on each new adventurous day, and to the future teachers and students of my body, my heart, and my mind. That I can experience and articulate my joy is in service to every single one of you. May my findings be permission for others to wonder what might be if they seeked out a new kind of happiness, one that looks like a private fantasy but exists somewhere safely and consensually close by, a fantasy shared by other architects and creators of desire.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

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