Kinky Alone

There have been a couple times in my life when I’ve had the opportunity to be alone for long stretches of time. They’ve been good for me, and right now I am kind of in one of them. Technically I’m living in my van, though in practice I’m mostly staying with friends and occasionally crashing outside of their homes if I feel like I need more space than sharing a house offers. Having that small amount of space which is “my space” is something which consistently triggers an interest in my own body that I have a hard time connecting to when I’m living with others — even super sex positive friends and lovers.

When I’m sharing space with people I hold a subconscious fear of being discovered and judged, found out for what I might be doing. This holds back certain impulses about what I feel like doing, even behind closed doors. I can often be found naked when I’m alone, checking myself out in the mirror, or sometimes taking photographs of my body during masturbation or orgasm to see what I look like — there are a lot of different things I have the impulse to do. I want to know how my body changes in various circumstances, what other people see of me that I don’t get to understand without looking. There’s something vulnerable about taking time to really see my parts, my flaws, my sex, my bags and wrinkles. That vulnerable exploration brings me to a deep quiet within myself which I value.

I struggle to settle in and fully embrace that which being achingly alone offers me: no feedback. During the discovery process I have strong impulses to talk about my findings with anyone who will listen. When I’m quiet for longer stretches of time though, I am afforded more space to process deeply, question my own thoughts and reactions for longer, and emotionally sit still with my discoveries as they settle within me. I’ll feel clearer about what I find and more grounded in it.

Do I need people still? Absolutely, of course! Bouncing ideas off others is an important part of learning more. Support from others is helpful, and someone else’s take on an issue leads me to wider, more diverse, and more complex understandings. Other people’s perspectives are a huge part of connecting new dots and finding nuance to the concepts I’m exploring.

But.

Sitting with myself and sorting through feelings is work which brings me closer to something true. Sitting with myself I have the time and space to peel away reactions and judgments as they come to me, to see them for what they are. I can look at the subject I’m exploring from multiple perspectives and consider where to go next, and emotionally my range grows broader. It’s hard sitting with myself and not looking to the internet or television, books, and any other distraction for relief from my own internal solitude, but I am thankful for my time away from others and I am thankful for support and feedback from my community afterward, when I am ready for it.

The line between Hermit-like self-discovery and group conversation which can lead to new understanding, is a tightrope to walk. I don’t want my interests to fade into the foggy world of irrelevance, but to really understand my own perspective I must find my own grounding first. I’m thankful to be afforded time, space, and aloneness in my life right now. I am also grateful to be part of a number of social circles who welcome my thoughts and engage me in conversation when I’m ready.

Do you have daily rituals or practices that offer you time to yourself? Do you find it is hard to commit that time to yourself without interruption? What have you gained by sticking to it and being alone? I’d love to hear about the discoveries you have come to because you allowed yourself to push deeper in, alone.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature (Crea)

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~Thank you.

Kink Dreams Are Made of These: Truth or Dare

Come out, come out wherever you are! Check out my Truth or Dare blog and fill out your own game card. I love reading people’s entries…

TRUTH: What is the kinkiest fantasy you haven’t fulfilled yet? This was the first Truth or Dare game card I received from a reader, and there’s something so beautifully ice breaking about it, so here goes… Thank you Playful Reader!

Photo by Jonathan Beckley

First off I am horrible at designating “est”s… I tend to be pretty in-the-moment about stuff, and what I desire one minute may be far from my interests the next. Fickle? Yes I am, absolutely. I am also present and connecting to what is happening right here right now as deeply as I can manage most of the time, so it pays off in the long run… Upon considering my answer, I stumble on the questions: “what is super kinky?” and “what is kinky at all?”… There are a lot of different directions I could go with in my answer, so I’m going to start out with an exploration of these ideas, and narrow in as we go.

I’ll start here: the things I haven’t done are the kinkiest things. Once an activity has been experienced, I have a relationship with it and it becomes a pet of mine; something I know about. It ceases to be as kinky and starts to be an activity I enjoy, or not. Yet another way to look at this pandora-like box we’re opening is: what is “not kinky”? I remember when I was in high school and my partner wanted to tie my hands up with silk scarves during sex. I didn’t understand why. I didn’t know it was a thing yet, and I was willing to try — sure, why not? But the idea didn’t turn me on. I didn’t know what it was for, and it didn’t end up doing anything for me. I simply couldn’t use my hands during sex, and I really like using my hands, so it felt like more of a weird hindrance than a sexy new challenge to get my juices flowing. It was a fun idea nevertheless, and I like trying new things, so we did it a couple times; it just didn’t really ever develop into a thing between us… Skip to years later, and I had a partner with whom I enjoyed a lot of kinky fun with; the idea of being tied up and fucked or having clothespins put on me, or any number of other creative games was super hot to me at that point… So something got processed for me between these two moments in time. I had been introduced to an idea as a naive person; in the time since then I had the experience of being employed in a sex store and gained lots of creative knowledge about what sex could look like; and in time my brain figured out what to do with the idea of being tied up — I found lots of ways to make the experience both desired and pleasurable.

I’ve said a couple different things here: in my first experience, being tied up wasn’t sexy or kinky, it was a sensual experiment that no one really got off on (to my knowledge or memory); in the second instance being tied up was definitely kinky and fun and something I got worked up about — something so hot it became a sex act in and of itself. Add that dichotomy to my first premise that, “the things I haven’t done are the kinkiest things”, and we have data that looks pretty contradictory… So what’s happening here?

  1. When I’ve experienced something it gets less kinky to a certain degree and becomes a normalized activity.
  2. If I don’t already know about something or desire it myself, trying something new doesn’t necessarily feel kinky to me, it might feel boring or oppressive instead of fun.
  3. After I’ve processed an idea, and know enough about it to be curious, it can become kinky to me, desired, and therefore more pleasurable to try out… and we cycle back to #1…

I’m going to give power here to the idea that “knowing” is an important aspect of feeling turned on. At least for me it is. I’ll add in there “chemistry” is too. I get turned on by different people in different ways, and what might feel like the best scene/activity ever with person A, might be a completely boring or strong rejection material for playing with person B. Very few people do I get genital-sex desirous of or curious about. I am more kink-slutty with people in general. Sometimes I can do both of those things (“sex” and “kink”) with the same person; sometimes I can only do one or the other; sometimes what I want to do with someone develops after a long period of time; sometimes things are hot and heavy and really open at first, and then cool off after a few experiences…

Why is it important to look at all that? Well, because when I tell you some of the ideas that turn me on — the ones that I would consider the kinkiest fantasies I haven’t fulfilled yet — there’s a truth in there about the fact that some (maybe all) of those things feel kinky and sexy to me specifically because they are fantasies. These things would not be kinky or sexy in reality if they were being done with the wrong people, and some of these things might fail to be sexy or kinky if done with the right people if they’re done in a way that doesn’t feel safe to me. What I like about my fantasies is that I can use them to get off. Period. I don’t really “need” more. My psychology during fantasy time is processing edges and emotions in a way that is technically safe (’cause it’s all in my head) yet at the same time still unsafe feeling to talk about or acknowledge out loud with partners (or people in general) because I fear judgement or rejection or any other number of things I worry about on the daily. That very juxtaposition is what makes the fantasies feel kinky. Which means, in part, that the very kinkiness of them is attached to the “in my head-ness” of them.

I feel as though many people would say rape fantasies are the kinkiest or scariest or least healthy kinks to explore. I disagree with this, as I think exploring our boundaries, fears, traumas, etc. can be potentially healing and strengthening (done in the right ways at the right times). I definitely have rape fantasy scenarios in my bag of mental tricks. Maybe someday I’ll meet the right people and I’ll have some scenario enacted that will move that fantasy into a kink exploration… oh no, wait… I have actually. At kink camp I participated in an organized forced sex/physical abuse kinky gang bang as a bottom, and now that I’m thinking of it I’ve also enacted fantasy scenes that were con/non-con (consensual non-consent), and I’ve explored aspects of being forced to do something within partnerships and found it pleasurable (and not) on varying levels… Ok, scrap that one (if you want more in depth stories, make a game card of your own!). I think I jumped to that one because I don’t feel like  I’ve explored it fully or in specific ways yet.

So, I think I’ll have to go with kidnapping. There are a couple groups of people I would love to be kidnapped by… Oh, wait! I have been kidnapped before too, but it was before I ever thought about the idea as a kink — it was a really lovely and surprising gift from a group of amazing people I worked with on my last day of work — in the days before I was out to myself as kinky. Again though, I think because I wasn’t thrown in the back of a trunk, maybe I feel like it didn’t count? Hmmm…

Perhaps surprisingly to many, I’ll have to go with an AMAB/AMAB/Me threesome (or moresome) including double penetration and being used. That is something I fantasize about and have never done, and I’m rating the est part of kinkiest by how challenging the fantasy feels to me emotionally when I think of it. Other fantasies/curiosities I haven’t explored yet I have more warm-fuzzies about, but this scenario for me is interesting and scary, and that is an emotional mix (within the confines of my brain) I really get off on. If the group could be as Tom of Finland about it as possible, that would really do it for me. I fantasize about being some Master’s boy, used to serve their whim at their discretion, with their friends, to be fucked/beat/whatever as they see fit… So there you go.

Funny, but I think this scenario may be way less kinky to a lot of people, than a lot of activities I actually regularly enjoy on a successful Saturday night. However, genital sex is a boundary of mine that I have a ton of controls around. It is something I feel really unsafe about with most people, even though as a sexual animal I desire it regularly. So for me, breaking out of that controlled mentality and playing with those boundaries feels really kinky. Maybe someday I’ll meet the right group of people to unlock that one with…

Thanks for asking, who’s up next?!

Play On My Friends,
~ Karin

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~Thank you.

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