Talking with Strangers

I played outside with friends and siblings throughout childhood and early adulthood and still prefer a lake or forest to my computer (though you wouldn’t know it, as I’m glued to this contraption most of the time). The number one rule we got taught was not to talk to strangers. Back then talking to strangers happened face to face, and that stranger could snatch you away, drug you, lure you into a van with candy, or somehow deceive you like the Devil into unholy marriage…

Concerning talking with strangers: Things. Have. Changed.

I have a profile on half a dozen dating or socializing websites these days. They’re all slightly different, and I use each of them for different purposes. Considering my proclivities outlined in this here blog, understand that I don’t always lead whips and needle points out… I consider who my audience is when I write a profile. I consider the type of people who are also attracted to that website, and what my agenda is for each particular space. I think about who on each site I might be compatible with, versus whose agenda or advances I want kept far far away… Is the site “friend” friendly, or am I in violation of expectations if I’m not looking for FWB, NSA, LTRs, anonymous sex, etc.? Is the site kink friendly? How many intolerantly religious or conservative people will hit on me, ignoring the fact that I mentioned my queer, kinky, fluid, non-binary trans, non-monogamous, liberal and socialist as fuck, neo drag and burlesque performing, sex-positive, anti-misogynistic, anti-racist, egalitarian stuff right up front? Is the demographic tweaked older or younger? Is the demographic tweaked along gendered assumptions concerning power dynamics or traditional roles? Do I think any of the people I meet on the site will become close friends, potential dates, research buddies, clients, the list goes on…

I am a character actor. My job in this lifetime has been to watch people and listen to people and figure out what makes them tick. I also am a person (read: creature). An autonomous individual carrying around my own feelings and fears and blind spots and questions and beliefs. But mostly I’m a person who wants to meet you like I climb a tree. I want to see you from across a field and be interested in your form and movements. I want that momentarily piqued interest to slowly become the desire to get closer and investigate. I want approaching you to be anything but disappointing — please don’t be rotten or surrounded by poison ivy… I want to put my hands on you, gingerly at first, and then full palm contact, sliding my arm around a branch, little by little giving you some of my weight. If it feels good and I can figure out how to do it, I want to crawl up your trunk, unpuzzling ways to get higher as we play this game of understanding our bodies together for the first time. When I’ve gotten to a place that feels good I want stillness and fresh air — to lie across your boughs perfectly balanced, only a little afraid that I’ll drop. The climb down will be thoughtful and new too. I won’t always be able to see where I’m going, but our solidly built connection heading up will help. And then a hug and a sigh — until next time I’m around, Tree, it was beautiful being with you.

It’s unfortunate that most people I meet online do not climb trees with any regularity.

There is instead, with these safe-to-talk-to-’cause-online strangers, a blundering certainty that I am existent only to be placed like a bow upon a bough. It is assumed I will stay put until faded, worn, and falling apart, until I am taken down. It seems believed, in these many circles, that tree creatures are to be cut apart or molded into a shape that fits the suburban street they are growing on — even though Tree was a seedling before most houses in this neighborhood came around. I don’t want your candy, your silver tongue’d promises, your vitriol for saying no, Troll. I want respect and solidity. Solidarity.

Every now and then with some sweet strangers I get to be Tree, feeling their creature climbing feelings, and bearing the weight of attention. I get to hold them in a naturally balanced and open place for just a moment before they get down. These are good message days…

How to talk to a stranger whose sense of touch is the plastic smoothness of a keyboard, not the rough and tumble ever changing texture of our barks? You cannot cut and paste the experience of a hiking trip or nighttime skinnydip. When we meet we have not seen it all, we have seen nothing! I like to be a creature meeting Tree, find me in a field or forest playing.

Play On My Friends,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and support me. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Everything You Know is Wrong

Photo by Becca A. Lewis

Photo by Becca A. Lewis

I’ve been reading Tristan Taormino’s “Opening Up” out loud with my partner over the past couple days.  We’ve joined a mono/poly group on Fetlife (that refers to people who are monogamous and in relationship with people who are non-monogamous or polyamorous).  We’re also getting ready for a nine month tour where the two of us will be the only people around one another pretty much 24/7 during that time…

In a couple weeks we’ll be going to my partner’s first ever sex party.  I wonder what it will be like?  I hope when we’re on the road next we get to check out some of the kinky communities and dungeon spaces around the United States; I think we’d both like that.

Last night I dreamed that we needed to find a Dominant who could dominate both of us.  When I woke up in the middle of the night I couldn’t figure out exactly why, whether it was so that my partner could submit to someone himself and understand Domination better through those experiences, whether it was to help him find greater confidence through co-topping me with this other partner, or maybe it was so he could experience some form of non-monogamy himself…

I’ve been poly-identified for much of my adult life, though I would not say I’ve navigated non-monogamous relationships successfully in that time, except for when I’ve been practicing solo-polyamory.  My five year marriage broke up when we opened it to accommodate my wife’s new girl-crush (it turns out she’s a serial-monogamist, and I really am poly, not just curious).  It was sad.  It worked for a little while at least; I loved processing all the things that opening your relationship makes you need to process with one another.  During that time I felt like a better wife.

I am processing in my sleep more than I’m sleeping lately, and I wake up exhausted, emotional, and needing space.

It’s amazing to have a partner who looks at me and says, “I know who you are; I know it’s different than me and I accept you.  Now lets do the hard stuff.”  Sometimes we can’t.  Sometimes I realize I’ve never been happier.  His smell insists on reminding me of that.

I find myself thinking that no matter how well I love someone else, I still have lifetimes of layers to work through to love myself cleanly enough to make anything work out in the end.  I am too hard on me.  I am too hard on others.  I don’t feel safe when I get what I want from my partners; sexually I’m a mess.  I feel sick, scared, and wrong a lot.  I get confused about what things mean and how we’re supposed to be.  Love feels like being lost in a forest – for a moment it’s sexy, enchanting, and a you don’t mind it at all because everything’s so beautiful and strange, but after that passes and it starts to get late, you realize how scared you are and how much you really just want to curl up and cry while frantically trying to find a way out…  I don’t know if I’ll ever calm down enough to build a home here, but I imagine that’s what you’re supposed to do.

I think almost everything I’ve learned in my lifetime about being in love is wrong.

I am constructing my own compass though.  Breathing through the panic.  Finding earth under foot.  This is me trying.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.


Be an ABCs contributor:  Do you have a story or perspective to share about kink or would you like to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin @ ABCsOfKink . com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

Hero Time: Dossie Easton

A friend of mine recently shared a link to an interview with Dossie Easton with me.  I’ve mentioned her before on this blogsite, she’s one of the co-writers of “The Ethical Slut”, “The New Bottoming Book”, “The New Topping Book”, and a few other titles I love and cherish as the sex geek booklover I am.  Over a decade ago it was The Ethical Slut’s language around behavior, desire, and organizational rules around ethical loving that got me really thinking about what I wanted in my own relationships, and allowed me the freedom to keep my mind and heart open to even the scariest adventures I’ve been on since.

Dossie talks about words and how language changes our perceptions of ourselves as well as of what’s possible, about relationships and how important it is to respect all the configurations of family making, she touches on a history of the publishing company Greenery Press, and I learned a lot from the article I didn’t already know.  She’s lived a remarkable life and many of her viewpoints are ones that have resonated with me throughout my entire adult life.

So, today I invite you to take a look too.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did, and I hope it inspires you to even a fraction of the amount it has me:  Wag’s Review: Dossie Easton

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.


Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

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