It’s About to Rain

It’s about to rain and I am leaving my house soon. Thunder is cracking. The heat and humidity has been terrible and a storm will pass through to wipe it all away. Reset the air. Reset our attitudes. Reset for the next swell of inflammatory summer. I am beginning my writing too late. I’ve been putting it off, feeling my own stress build — but that’s what happens when you live in a van crossing the country in a driver’s seat instead of staying on top of your email. I’m excited to be caught walking in the wet (abnormal for this cat but true). I’m scratching at the door. Let me out of here!

I want the wet to decompress in. I want the wet to soggy down my thoughts and haze, hanging humid in my brain about what next: City or country? Domlife or stage haunt? Garden and tincture or weld and glassblow? Why not all the aboves? How? Am I keeping up with my daytime disciplines or do I need to be doing more each day to find my foothold, to get ahead? I’m thirsty. I want the wet to cool me, calm me, center my body and mind. I want the wet to be, like, graphically wet. Natural lubrication from the sky over my clothes and body making things slippery smooth, and I’ll have no choice but to feel everything differently because of it. The wet slows me down even as it unglues me. Wet, as it hangs around undry, argues that we are Taking. Our. Time.

Everyone is arguing the vocabulary of identity in this heat, as if a standard could ever exist… The point of identity is intimacy. The words I whisper to you about me. My words, mine. In the big picture yes, they shouldn’t say that in front of those people, because everyone knows better these days, but what does this mean now that we’ve embraced that thing over there, and where do we put all those ideas from yesterday? On and on and on forever because as organisms cursed with the glory of life we must do the most beautiful-terrible thing constantly all the time: grow.

I, for one, am happy that we won the term “Queer” back, and that “they/them” is in vogue these days (I’ve been waiting patiently for that one for a couple of decades now), yet it seems they’re taking “Bi” away in exchange. I’ve been Bi, and even if it’s not what I use now, I don’t like the new fangled words more than that one. I think it’s fine, and unfairly villainized, and everyone knows what it means even though the echo of “two” turns a tad sour in our mouths when we taste for Gender. But that’s not what it really is trying to say. Yes? Still though, off and away she goes. I hope my made-up identity, “Sexual”, catches on one day. I know there’s a question mark containing eyebrow arch from an Ace or Ace ally in the room (written with love).

Words are imperfect.

Our attachments to them are not just by dictionary, but in association. We each associate variably.

I love the word “Cunt” because it feels so fucking good in my mouth… just like a cunt does. And “Dyke”. It’s mine. My identity. You can’t wrestle it away from me.

What are the symbols for Queer now? What pictorial phraseology do we use to wink at Stealth Queers and Passing Trans and Kinksters in a picture of “Friday at the office” before going out to haunt the night dressed in shades of inappropriate and “oh my”? Does it matter anymore? Has it all been commodified and commercialized and spread too thin to recognize? Now that we ask one another for pronouns, and get all the consents, what’s the point of a flag or a tapdance on the men’s bathroom floor? Where are our cheats and naughty, perverted, under the radar confessions flown in public now? How do we signal the quiet queering of our spaces? Or is outing it all without a legally backed oppressor in sight what we’ve been building towards? Will there be no Queer one day? Will we laugh or cry on that humid afternoon? (See, one can get all romantic and sappy about the shitty but hardcore past without being a TERF about it. Fucking wankers.)

And the rain. Slowing. Me. Down.

Even though 1s and 0s seem to make the Earth spin faster on its axis, when we get together after typing lustful confessions and someone lumbering through town to the other one’s sty, we still have to face one another. Cold water. Eye to eye. Breath and breath. Heartbeats, nerves, smiles, knee jerks, clumsy fumblings, mismatched desires, unequal libedo, and under it all a glorious sense of “am I really doing this right now?!”. Yes! The short answer. That perversion is still real. You are doing it.

So breathe. Don’t sweat the small stuff. We haven’t forgotten how to communicate completely, we’ve just been pressured to move too fast.

What do you want to know about me? I want you to ask. We can fight about politics if you scene me roundly into a second date… But for now, slow down. Let’s be wet. Wet and cool and away from the swell of inflammatory summer.

It’s raining now, I’m stepping out.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature (Crea)

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and support me. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Teaching and Learning

I’ve been having a blast teaching about kink and gender up and down the east coast for the past couple weeks — and more is to come! I have learned a lot on this tour too. Practicing something over and over again (albeit with slightly different variations each time) has the benefit of clearly pointing out my flustered spots and the places I need improving. I’m thankful for the opportunity to so quickly focus and get stronger at this thing I love doing.

I’ve taught a pretty wide range of audiences so far. They’ve consisted of: people who are generally vanilla and/or kink curious and interested in picking up some skills casually for the bedroom, I’ve taught people in a tight knit regularly playing BDSM community who were already very comfortable with one another, I’ve taught within a couple intentional communities made up of people who all know each other pretty well but don’t necessarily play with each other at all, and I’ve taught a private class for a couple wanting to explore new ideas with my help…

I’m not going over the material radically differently from group to group, but I do realize that I’m covering the material organizationally differently in response to the room I’m in. Working with the couple there was a heavier attention on encouragement to try things and not be afraid, we also focused on conversations about how to communicate in the moment about what is desired, and how to negotiate the specifics of a scene. In the group where everyone knew one another well and were comfortable playing with each other already my emphasis became challenging them to switch sides and learn something new about what it’s like to connect in different ways than they’re used to — to worry less about the skills and more about the experience being had on both sides of play. In the groups which were community oriented I realized I was best put to the job of uncovering and mediating some of the conversations already happening between community members on the topic we were covering so that we could move beyond those concepts during class and get back to the curriculum I had prepared; I found myself asking the group to explore less fearfully and know that it was ok not to “get it right”. Finally, the groups who are looking for fun in new places and don’t have a preexisting relationship with others in the room are the group type I teach to most frequently, and they are generally easy and attentive, ask questions, and are appreciative at the end. It’s interesting how pre-existing relationships between audience members on a group level can change the dynamic of a room — it seems obvious, but I’ve had less opportunity to expore those situations before this tour.

One thing I realize I need to do is come up with a solid beginner’s spiel. I find I too easily respond to the needs of my crowd on a friendly level without holding my own and working through nitty gritty details before anything else happens. I need to respond more firmly to side commentary so it doesn’t usurp the flow of what I’m teaching. I need to have a clearer safety spiel/disclaimer — one that doesn’t assume people will do their research without me actually telling them “this is a quick introduction to an idea, you need to do some further research and study what can go wrong before getting into this type of play yourself”. I realize my own propensity for exhaustive research is not a value or behavior of everyone’s before jumping in…

To honing my skills further, seeing ever more broadly, and continuing to have opportunities to serve the projects of my passions.

Play On My Friends,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and support me. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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