Courage

My dashboard garden is back and I’m so happy to watch these beautiful creatures grow!

I feel really great in my body these days. I wish I’d known sooner what hormones could do for me. The experience of enjoying my physical body in the mirror and under my own fingertips rather than feeling trapped in it and persistently worried about how I look IS AMAZING!!! Seriously, I had no idea daily life could be like this. I think T is lifting a lifelong fog of depression and anxiety off of me and I’m very thankful for it.

To everyone who ever point blank told me to my face that “they just see me as a girl”, or “I just seem more femme rather than butch to them”, or that “I just look better when I dress girly”, or that “I’m not a tomboy b/c tomboys don’t wear dresses”, or any other reinforcement of the female femme ideal — which is already constantly crammed down my throat by the rest of the world (and to which I don’t usually choose to interact with face to face): You are a huge reason I didn’t get here earlier. I need you to know that. I need you to know that not because I want to tell you you were wrong, but because I want you to consider the weight of pressuring others to be as you wish them to be. It hurts to be told you can’t be who you feel you are. It is a painful lifestyle to persist holding a line you’re told to hold which feels wrong, and some of us are good enough at holding on, that we really need friends and to have role models who see us for who we are and who give us permission to let that line go.

I sincerely apologize to anyone if my words or actions have ever made them feel small about their identities or wrong about sharing themselves with me. It’s never been an intention of mine. I haven’t always understood as much about how my words affect each person I’m speaking to, and I know I’ll make mistakes in the future too, but I want to know when I do. I want the opportunity to reconsider the meaning of my actions. I want to be better than my mistakes.

I roundly thank everyone who has seen me and believed me and accepted me as I’ve journeyed and evolved and learned to articulate myself over the years. Without you I would still be desperately wanting things I didn’t feel I deserve to get (which is on me, but you all really helped me out a lot).

As I write, acknowledging this feeling of happiness I’ve been feeling since starting T, I want this moment to be a reminder to consider the impact of our very human desire to label others — especially to their faces — with labels we’re comfortable with rather than the labels someone else tells you they want to be labeled as. Almost every single bit of information we take in in this world is gendered, racially loaded, ableist, and constructed to tear our individualities down for the benefit of a privileged class. We can (and must) change that by considering one another not as objects, but as individual creatures with vibrant internal worlds which we will never be privy to the full intricacies of without asking first, without believing the answers we receive, and without caring to wonder more deeply about who we’re interacting with in the first place. When someone tells you who they are (and who they are not), consider believing them immediately before questioning what they’re saying. Consider asking questions about how that works if you aren’t sure you understand. Consider trusting people who gather the courage to tell you something about themselves.

Love from my glowing, growing, vibrant garden inside, and as always —

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature (Crea)

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~Thank you.

Power of Right and Wrong

Don’t let my tits stop you from calling me “Sir”.

We all like different things. While there are a lot of objects, experiences, activities, places, etc. many people enjoy, there are probably no things which everyone enjoys — certainly not enjoys equally. There are multiple ways to do the vast majority of tasks… So, why do we frequently teach within the paradigm of “right” and “wrong”? I think there are better ways. What is the value of teaching without an exploratory sense of one’s subject? Is critical thinking an important skill across the board? When we make mistakes are we resilient enough to call them out ourselves or do we cling to the intention we had when we made the mistake? Are you willing to look at the ways you might harm someone? How hard is it for you to apologize when that occurs? Can a conversation be reset when it gets tense? How? Do you prefer thinking of yourself as “a good person” who’s intention is not harmful — end of conversation? How do we learn if we believe we are “good” at our core, instead of accepting that we also sometimes fail which may make us look “bad” to others?… How do we reconcile these points of view within our communal outlook and interactions with others?

When navigating conversations with actual people intersectional understanding can come in handy. It is entirely possible to be knowledgeable about one community and fail interacting with a person from another affinity group when we don’t understand that a different approach is more respectful than the one we’re used to. This does touch on the dreaded concept of identity politics, but there are more and less useful ways to look at the politics of one’s identity than black and white rules of conduct. People’s identities are more complex than their affinity groups, and even identity itself is not “who a person is”, it’s simply representative of aspects of that person.

I’m suggesting what’s potentially helpful in this scenario rather than what exact phraseology should be used, but take these two phrases:

  1. “Never say things like that to a ___ person”.
  2. “I don’t appreciate being approached in that manner, it feels disrespectful considering my identity as a ___ person”.

The first sentence, though straight forward, condemns a person for not knowing something, for making a mistake within their engagement of the speaker. It implies they are bad for having done something wrong and could feel like a scolding. The second sentence takes responsibility for the speaker’s feelings, tells the other person something about why it’s important to change their approach, and invites them to engage in a more respectful way. Obviously there are many different ways to have this conversation, and wording preference or tone consideration can be helpful but shouldn’t be taken to extremes. Intent also matters (to a degree) within the imperfect conversations we all engage in. Nothing is all one or the other completely.

What this boils down to is power dynamics. It seems to me that people who don’t think a lot about power dynamics (often because they have been more empowered throughout their lives as they’ve navigated the world) frequently complain or double down when it’s brought to their attention that their approach toward another person isn’t working or is actually hurtful. What if instead of needing to be “right”, that person could find it within themselves to be curious — to know that they meant well yet also failed at being good to the person they meant well towards?

To open my heart to others means getting bruised sometimes, and it also means unintentionally bruising. The alternative to trying and failing is to be shut down, shut off, incapable of compassion, not curious about possibility, and eventually, I think, to become nihilistic above hopeful concerning the human potential for peace and evolution. I believe in our better selves. I believe in struggle leading to understanding. I believe in being uncomfortable for a while while I struggle with situations or concepts which hurt my head or heart. I believe in these things because questioning will make me understand the mechanism I’m confronted with better than arrogance. When I treat people as they wish to be treated (rather than how I wish to be treated), when I apologize for my mistakes, when I care to learn better ways than the ones I am familiar with, I become a better person to the people I am around. Learning to fail gracefully and adapt graciously is far more useful, in my opinion, than being right all the time within a small world constructed from a  bubble of self-congratulatory homogenous ease.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature (Crea)

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and support me. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Finding Oneself Daily

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Me not having an orgasm for research and science!

I wasn’t intending on writing a blog today, but I found myself multitasking in a way that makes me happy, so perhaps I’m here to gush a little bit as I illustrate… something?… (I’ll have it figured out by the end, I swear!)

This morning I awoke to a plethora of emails that needed to be answered, lovely texts from people I love and enjoy in sexy ways, and debit card issues I needed to call about getting fixed. As I logged into my email account and started reading the FB messages I’ve been ignoring due to busyness, I found that a reader was interested in sharing their writing on the subject of chastity on this here blog! “How lovely”, I thought to myself and considered how to address her message as I answered an email about a vaudeville show I’ll be performing in in a couple of weeks. I let the reader know that I should have my own experience with the subject before I publish an article on it, but when I do I’d love to add her writing into the article as another point of reference. Then I called my bank and while on hold for waaaay too long responded to some beautiful good morning texts from partners I thoroughly enjoy text-loving on. I also asked a couple of them about whether or not they’d be interested in helping me with some ABC’s research homework and explained the chastity theme while intermittently giving my address/driver’s license number/DOB/account information to a combination of computer voices and human people, and then describing the issue’s I’m having with my debit card over and over again as I get transferred time and again to every various office in the banking realm’s Fortress of Frustration…

I hear back from one of my partners — the one who’s a longer distance lover — affirmative interest and excited about the chastity play prospect! Yay! Then I’m thinking, “Well, I want to make sure that my partner who’s away and really into this idea and I are not stepping on the toes of my partner who’s here in town with me who I think I’d also enjoy some interaction with on the chastity front… and with whom I am currently not that chaste”

‘Cause, yeah… submitting to chastity is one of those games that will interfere with all the people you’re having orgasms/paingasms/sexual or other certain types of play with, not just your chastity-Dominating buddy and you…

…So I text back that we should consider my close-by partner and ask my out-of-towner if they’d be interested in conjointly playing this game somehow. An affirmative answer again is returned as well as an agreed upon desire not to step on toes ’round these parts… So I post a great article I’ve been reading about the clitoris on my FB wall, and I text again my Local Love, asking how they feel about how chastity play with someone out of town might effect our play and what boundaries or rules they’d like to have surrounding this chastity research, and also whether they’re interested in some sort of tandem chastity play conjointly authored by themselves and the out-of-towner (whom they’re completely aware of and have met)… my local lovely is probably still sleeping anyhow, so I wait…

But then I see I should schedule some time to meet with a person who organizes an erotica reading series, oh and the bank can’t help me with my card ”cause everything looks fine from our end” grrr… but I’ll get a new card in the mail and until then I should make time for a trip to the bank to get a temporary one. Hang up the phone, schedule coffee date to discuss erotica reading, text Out of Town Lover to find out what they’d like to get out of the chastity play themselves, and receive a delicious answer that I’m not allowed to masturbate to thinking about…

You see, in just a short time a morning can be a wonderful place to be alive. Maybe that’s my point in all of this: thank you Universe for the communities who help me experience life in new ways, the friends who gather to lend a hand, and the strength in my body and mind to schedule for fun, follow through on the things, and still function highly enough to pay rent on time! …And while I’m handing out thanks, thank goodness for non-monogamous partners who are as into transparency, GGGness, and whose enjoyment of my enjoyments are as full as my appreciation and enjoyment of theirs… Also happy Bisexuality Visibility Week!!!

Yes Walt, alongside your beautiful queer ass, I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world!

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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