Admitting Fantasies

Photo by Rudy Aguilar

When you know what you want it’s infinitely more easy to get. Sometimes it’s hard figuring out what you want though. It’s even harder admitting some things out loud. These days I want games and fun. Imaginative interactions. Fantasies to come alive for me, and I want this colorful vibrant sexual world to not involve me having sex — piv/oral/anal… Winter marigniates me, fantasy rich and stir crazy, and even though I know there are a lot of people out there who probably would love these things too there’s a voice in my head that tells me I don’t deserve them. “Who would bother getting down with me if not for the end goal of sex?” However, if I can push past those fears and say exactly what I want out loud, I can start looking for it rather than either not getting my needs met at all or settling for something which will feel compromising and possibly unhealthy.

Talking about fantasies can help. When I can talk about my fantasies with others, it feels great and our conversations go places they wouldn’t if we just talk about what we “want”. It’s hard to say the words “I want” at all for many people, and even harder to say things that seem abnormal or vulnerable to judgement, sometimes especially to loved ones. If we can talk about our fantasies though, we can share these ideas a little more safely with one another. When we notice we’re curious about a partner’s fantasy we can ask, “is that something you’d actually like to experience sometime?”, and we might even finding ourselves admitting that yes, we’d like to actually try a certain fantasy out. Of course, fantasies are fantasies and some are meant to remain that way, and there’s nothing wrong with that either.

We live in a world that judges everything. Developing one’s “personal brand” is an effort so many people get tripped up over, and it’s natural that one should trip up on it. Branding is an aesthetic and a set of rules. Life, desire, sexuality, curiosity, hormones, impulses, growth, staying alive: these things are very complex, full of mistakes and ugliness, ofttimes messy. Perhaps this is why we like branding, it makes things which are not easy seem to be, which in turn makes them more saleable.

We learn to judge ourselves too deeply too early. We learn very early on that “someone’s going to think I’m fucked up for wanting this thing or that”, and our child’s mind clings to black and white meaning making, sorting ideas into “right” and “wrong”. As we grow, if we do not shed these early impressions and allow our thoughts to become more complex, our thoughts translate into things like “this person I love will get mad/grossed out/worried/stop loving me if I talk about this fucked up (wrong) thing I want”. And so unnecessary repression fills our bodies. We ache for things which we will not let ourselves have. Self-repression will always find a way to come out sideways though. Instead of sharing our intimate desires with our partners we end up blowing up in their faces when they’re in the middle of something which has nothing to do with us. We end up picking fights instead of rewinding back to that moment of impulse to say, “hey, you know what I really want tonight?”. Self-repression makes hearing the answer “no” hard for a lot of people too. However, it is the responsibility of each of us to fulfill our own destinies. It is no one else’s job to take care of your feelings after you blow up or engage in underhanded behaviors such as passive aggressiveness, withholding, manipulation, being untrustworthy, threatening, controlling, etc. Without learning to trust and love our own desires and speak about them, and instead of saying “can you help me?” or “who can help me?”, negative and abusive behaviors have become normalized and run rampant in our society.

Working at a sex store and teaching toy parties for a number of years, I found it fascinating to observe how people would talk about various sex or kink acts, games, toys, and body parts with objectification, disgust, denial, or dismissal. Usually the people who reacted the strongest to any of these conversations secretly desired to know more about them and were judging themselves for their curiosity, so felt a need to appear outwardly oppressive about whatever it was.

Curiosity, sex, sensuality, experimentation, and finding pleasure are what humans do though! We have these bodies exactly so that we can explore them as we desire. This sack of flesh and blood and bacteria is the only thing we have real control over in our years between birth and death. It is our means, our toolbag, and our primary universe for discovery.

Anal sex, pegging, male on male sexual play, degradation, threesomes, gangbangs, rape fantasy, ageplay, cuckolding (the list in inexhaustive)… All EXTREMELY common fantasies and forms of adult play. Yet these are the fantasies I’ve heard most people whisper about and confide to their affair partners and friends instead of their “monogamous” or even “open” lovers, if they speak them outloud to anyone at all. Until we stop whispering and start taking about our curiosities and desires openly easily fulfilled, normal, wonderful fantasies will continue to eat away at our senses of worth.

What if we could hear the word “no” and be excited and grateful someone else’s boundary was being bravely put forth? What if we could see our jealousies as information indicating we are not taking care of ourselves adequately, or that we need to find something for ourselves we have let slide, or that our boundaries are asking to be reevaluated? What if being attracted to someone outside of a relationship was cause for celebration and feelings of joy because finding someone attractive feels great and doesn’t always need action attached to it? What if we could appreciate one another sexually and sensually and not make unmet demands to have those fantasies fulfilled by treating the object of our interest as an object, but instead resiliently find those who share our interests or are game to play along?

Though human existence is messy, it’s also full of fertile information and opportunity. Acknowledging to ourselves and interacting with our desires or fantasies is invitation to knowing what we want. Owning what we want is invitation for growth.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

Actor Turned Director

Some of the tools I teach with…

I’ve been thinking about my fantasies a lot lately. I think I need to get a little black (and crimson?) book to write them down in… Fantasies are a beautiful stepping stone to scenario, and scenario is a gorgeous stop on the path to planning and play. I am thinking about fantasies because I want to play…

Who’s down for being mummified? Interrogated? Pierced, poked, slapped, hot waxed, led on a leash, stepped on, or wants my flesh therapeutically under their fingers? Anyone for being an ashtray? Pet? Gender bent? How about a power exchange role play? There are so many games which have been played on me that I am excited to flip the script about and Top or Dominate. My brain won’t stop ticking — it’s really quite amusing.

But what, Monsignor Karin?! Aren’t you a sub my boy? Yes! Well, I have been consistently for a number of years now… I’ve seeked out experiences and play from so many places, done extensive research on kinky things, taught classes and demo’d for workshops, helped partners, and I’ve been lucky (and occasionally unlucky) enough to play with a wide range of people doing inventive, nasty things to delight me. I think I’m ready to find some of my own playthings… Teaching has always brought me close to Dominance, I suppose. That role, Teacher, has kept me firmly in a place of Top with regularity for a few years. “Dominating” during class though is something I have divorced myself from the pleasure of… Recently I’ve had multiple experiences where the scales got tipped somehow. I found myself not just demonstrating “how to” but finding blurred lines and exciting new territory as the experience deepened (consensually) into scening and switch. Like my experiences moving from being an actor to Directing — I find incredible strength and pleasure from being able to communicate with my actors. I salivate while drawing out what is the best of theirs and pushing them to go a little further still, to find excellence before the end. I find I am empathic, understanding the feelings my own actor self might be experiencing in their process, riding the energy of the room as we unfold and find our scene. I leave excited about the connection and the work, happy to have helped… but more.

Something has opened in my heart recently. A desire to serve by lead. A readiness and a feeling of safety I haven’t felt before. An ease with my own self-worth, I think. It’s been this toy, tossed in the room, which I’ve been contemplating for awhile from the corner. I finally batted it about a bit… and then… then… well then, I got excited. Now I want to pounce some more.

It’s interesting that though I’ve considered (and loved) myself submissive, I’ve been intentionally building knowledge, opinions, experiences, connections, researching, teaching classes, and now finally a desire to move from sub, to sub who teaches, to sub who teaches and demos, to freshly blooming Dominant.

Does this mean I don’t want you to beat me up if we’ve got a good thing going?! HELL NO!!! Even therapists have therapists, teachers have teachers, and my sadistic ass didn’t get less masochistic… I don’t know that I’ll ever not want to be handled by a talented, loving, sadistic, hot-as-fuck D-type too… Even if the both of us, for a moment, maybe turn on you…

Play On My Friends,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and support me. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

U is for UNIFORMS

Image by Sue Clark

Paper Girl with six changes.  Image by Sue Clark

MAN IN A UNIFORM,

THAT’S WHAT I AM…

crooned Prince from the speakers on stage.  It was 2002, and this rare recording was the music my first Drag King solo performance was set to.  I appeared on stage gyrating to the song, seducing the crowd with what smoldering energy I could dressed in a mechanic’s coveralls.  At just the right moment I moved to unbutton my jumper, revealing a full business suit underneath.  I then danced and flirted my way off with those clothes too, down to cowboy garb complete with chaps, then off with that and ended in packed boxer briefs, a beater covering my bound chest, and shit-kicker boots, my razorback mohawk standing straight up after I tossed the cowboy hat.  I danced off leaving the stage a complete, utter and slightly damp mess.

Uniforms hold within them power:  The power of suggestion, the promise of a new experience, of realistic or fantasy expectations, and for some people uniforms hold muscle memory and visceral cues to act, think, perform, or play a certain way.  My personal experience with uniforms mostly encompasses situations where I’ve donned them for others (onstage and off), or being caught in character after a show before changing and … …  (slow fuzzy fade to black).

I think there is a strange and wonderful thing that happens when you are allowed for a moment to wear someone else’s clothes and play a new part.  Identity becomes a more malleable and inspired construction of the moment, it is a place where you can play out a voice, a position, an idea you would never have the moxie to try “in real life”.

What are uniforms?  Uniforms are pieces of clothing meant to signify a job or membership of a group.  Uniforms themselves often come around to signifying character traits that might match the job/position as well – the stern army Sargent, the townie mechanic, the stiff doddering professor, the curious or sadistic scientist, the innocent schoolgirl, the kind nurse, the misunderstood rebel, the frightening and unstoppable cyborg…  And so we start to associate clothing with a character type or caricature.  Certainly these characters are not real three-dimensional people to be played realistically out (unless you’re really serious about your role playing), these character traits are not us portraying ourselves either, and yet one’s “feel” for the actions of their character when dressed in specific clothing can allow one to explore what someone else’s sexuality, relations, or life might feel like.  Stepping into someone else’s closet can be a very powerful place to explore and play.

While uniforms can signify a particular character or “type”, they can also be employed for other reasons.  Sometimes a person has a fantasy or fetish that is clothing specific where the dress itself (rather than the person or character in it) turns them on, someone may have a relationship with a particular uniform and categorically find a person wearing those clothes undeniable/sexy/frightening/etc, or someone may have had an experience with a uniformed person in their past and employing that kind of dress in play could be a way to either reconnect with those feelings or conquer the association.  Not unlike puppet play in youth therapy sessions, an adult exploring a scenario with a uniformed partner might help them work out a whole array of thoughts, feelings, experiences, or desires.

US_Navy_041018-N-0000X-001_The_Navy_introduced_a_set_of_concept_working_uniforms_for_Sailors_E-1_through_O-10,_Oct._18th,_in_response_to_the_fleet's_feedback_on_current_uniformsWhy Uniforms?  When a person dons a uniform for any kind of play they may find themselves also stepping into a mind frame not their own.  It isn’t just the caricature they have in mind of what someone wearing those clothes must be like, it’s the physical reality of the dress that can influence their instincts.  A stiff, well fitting suit will support your spine causing you to walk more upright, a short skirt might limit how you fold your legs when you sit, or cause you to keep you hands closer to your lap for as-needed adjustments, loose comfortable clothing encourages one’s body to move freely and be relaxed in an environment…  As you can see, the uniform itself starts to dictate your actions, kinesthetic impulses, and mind frame.

For play, uniforms are wonderful because they are so specific yet also so generally recognizable.  There is something for everyone!  Every pin, pleat, accessory, and detail is fodder for praise by the detail oriented lover, and for someone who isn’t nearly as standard issue about their commands, the appetite might be appeased with a correctly colored and shaped assemblage of clothes found at the nearby second hand shop which outlines the character desired clearly enough, and then there’s the “sexy ___” halloween array of fantasy uniforms always available for cheap somewhere nearby.  You don’t have to spend hundreds on authentic vintage such and such to make your point (though say that to a gear fetishist and get a prompt argument, I’m sure).

My cyborg uniform stretches the meaning, but gets the job done!

My cyborg uniform stretches the meaning, but gets the job done!

My costume closet:  is extensive.  I am a character actor by trade, and my characters have been created for drag, burlesque, performance art, street theater, comedy shows, and other varieties of events.  It’s funny, but when I was younger I dated a few people who would see me after a show, before I had changed out of my last character’s costume, and be really turned on.  For a long time this was a hard thing for me to be open to…  First there’s the boring and professional thought nagging in the back of my head that this is a prop/costume/work item that I’m wearing and have created for the character I play, and what if something happens to it…  Then I realize how hard it is for me to NOT be in character when I’m wearing that character’s clothes (and not all of my characters turn me on/or should probably turn my partners on)…  and third, there was a really big reservation or worry that perhaps my partner wasn’t attracted to me as much as they were the character I was portraying.  Maybe they were so turned on because they wanted someone who wasn’t me to be sexual with (which to my slightly damaged sexual identity felt awful at the time).  But the couple times I engaged in play while dressed back in the day, were insanely hot.  So I got over some of that (though being a workaholic, I try to have separate costumes for play these days).

When in uniform I find a freedom to act up that I don’t always feel in the bedroom.  It can flow through me when I’m not expected to be myself.  A door opens in my psyche that allows me to not worry so much about every thing I do – after all, it isn’t me doing these things…  And more than once I’ve discovered something in that moment of confident otherness that I kept in my own bag of tricks for later use.  If you listen closely uniforms can be incredibly knowledgeable in the language of seduction!

So, happy moonlighting as whatever you please, my friends.  Unlock some unseen POV through playacting, find a new voice, or feel the power of a character unlike your own.  It’s strange what-all is inside you if you just let it come out to play.  Happy finding!

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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