Potential: A Love Letter

Creature KPW performing Sirius Black shifting into canine form… Photo by Mélissa Kooyomjian Kemp (Insta: @CapturedExposure).

Potential is a tricky subject. What a warm, beautifully arousing ideal: to have potency within, latent, waiting to pounce, a promise of ripening! Yet also what a sad and scary obligation: to fail, to fall, to misuse or waste, to lose, never to launch, forever to be stuck behind a glass of now, never rolling in the plushness of what could be…

Potential is a romance that sours a day after delivery as often as it blossoms beautifully for a week or more. It is sex for pleasure, potential being ripe and waiting for perfect conditions to pounce—conditions that’ll spin your head from news of the growing thing inside (even though you didn’t do anything differently this time)… and there are a million miscarried potentials bled out each month, not recognized nor given a first thought, much less a second. Unless it’s fed, one day potential withers on the vine, unviable, unwanted, out of mind.

What potentials course through your veins or whisper in your ear at night? Do they communicate secretly in the form of slumbered visions, asking for materialization and corporeal form in the sunlight? What potencies have you ignored for comfort or ease, for lack of support, misunderstanding, or because a dark void of deeper knowledge has a hold on your light? Have you let your potency evaporate away, dispersed? Do you disbelieve in your own worth? Does your You inside actively speak up about “what could be” if you’d just meditate on those hidden dreams buried in your chest, if you’d just reach out for that singular something, warm, oddly fitting inside?

Potential is a shapeshifter. Once it was small and uninitiated, a hungry little creature mewing at doors and searching for a friendly face. In time, one or two faces found, the belly grew with nourishment and possibility. Creature becomes something more, a growner thing, an animal with gravity.

One day Growner Thing goes about its day, and stumbles on the root of a new question. This question demands to be heard and considered tenaciously. The question sprouts, unfolding into a beautiful-terrible bit of flora, intoxicating in its splendor, demanding to be known! Known, though not as an other—but suckled, chewed on, eaten, masticated, and moleculed in the belly, whisked away to the bloodstream, ending up coloring the brain of Growner Creature. Question persists as it’s able. One day Growner Creature bites…

What unfolds is soft and terrible. The shifting of shape is a private delight, a secret ritual performed alone at night. The changing is a changeling merging with the what-once-was Grower Creature, and Growner Creature becomes Resplendant, a new thing. There are aches and pains from growth, as we all know. There are months of fog. There are minutes of euphoria. There are masses of other Resplendants, sliding down the walls and dropping from ceilings all around, swinging from chandeliers, and tripping you up in the halls of this hallowed changing space. Everything is too small and too incomprehensibly open wide, alive, to know what any moment asks (except the ones you inexplicably do understand). The shifting is a ritual of knowledge, of changing perspective, of holding onto where you’ve been while mixing in new experiences containing savory morsels of what else there is to take in.

Changing is a time to hold on, not do the math. It’s time to believe and question and understand the struggle of overwhelm; the fear that you truly know nothing at all in the end. Building blocks vs. the scales of cancelling-out look similar under a microscope, but from afar, a more wholistic picture reveals universes of articulation, unforetold branches on the path you’re on: new endings.

The shifting is a most incredible gift, and it’s the loneliest place you’ll ever live. Seemingly hyper-visible to the masses, yet frequently critiqued as “unknown”. Mobs are hungry for archetype and marketable images already well defined, and you’ll nail one type or another, as you quest to “pass”… or you won’t. At some point you might stop trying, reflecting back on the seed inside. That seed encouraged you to try on this magical self in the first place. You’ll have no idea what you’re supposed to end up looking like (unless you do), and every now and then (or frequently) you’ll feel dissatisfied.

Maybe you’ll try again, or you’ll head back from whence you came, leaving that particular impulse/potential behind: that old dream. Maybe you’ll return to shifting in the moonlight, celebrating your multi-faced facets quietly, secretly again. Maybe you’ll find a form that fits and never shift henceforth! Maybe you’ll realize the shifting is where you live and study this transformational dance inside and out, shifting in perpetuity before your life wears out… Regardless of your path, my worthy humanimal friends, there is potency deep inside—always waiting within.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

My writing takes time, research, and consideration: it is my art.
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Expectations

photo_12aCropExpectations
Looking for the thing that is next and good and right
And letting go…
Expectations
Looking for the thing that is next and better and what I should want
Letting go
Expectations
Looking for momentum and stars and rockets through the sky
Letting go
Expectations grow
Looking, searching, frowning, jaw clenched, sweat pouring, tough it out…
Letting go
Expectations
Breath and forced calm and time outs and pain in the wait
Letting go
Expectations
Needing
Letting go
Expectations
Letting go
Expectations
Letting go
Expectations
Breath in
Letting go
Breath in
Breath out
Just breathe
Letting go

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

Tension and Release

IMG_1504I don’t want to write a blog right now I want to write a love letter or meditate on the importance of weird gut feelings and how vital they are, or I’d like to masturbate until I release all of the electricity in me and shut down like an old televisions’s phosphorescent faded glow…  I want to make out, roll around in the hay, hike through the woods with someone I admire, or fall asleep.  I feel too full to function.  I am tired and just want to shut down and die for a week before reactivating to take over the universe.

I woke up this morning remembering how hard the things I love are, and that collision of understanding and a crazy energy to just blindly make is still in me.

An example:  Puppets.  When I toured the country as a puppeteer for a year I was contracted (for very little pay) to work 40 hours a week in a puppet studio when we weren’t out on tour.  It was grueling physically, mentally and creatively, and when we were on the road very time consuming.  I learned a lot by showing up to the workshop, when we were in town, having to make my own plan for what to tackle every day.  Sometimes it was restoration of old puppets, sometimes learning lines and rehearsing a show we were about to take on tour, it was rebuild and design work, research, booking hotels, cleaning, reorganizing, making sense of a very large and chaotic workshop, going to meetings, practicing moves or learning a new puppet’s limitations and finding ways to make it live, load in and out of the puppet van our gigantic sound and light systems and 9 foot tall set pieces…  And then sometimes it was building something from nothing.  Making puppets of my own.  Learning to design, find the tools, structure, create, jury-rig as alternative to a more complicated process I didn’t have the resources for or as inventive solution and artistic choice.

Meet "General", my first puppet made completely from scratch

Meet “General”, my first puppet made completely from scratch (yes, those are leather chaps)

I would get tired.  I would struggle.  I would worry that everything I laid my hands on was failure and I that I wouldn’t be able to keep it up long enough to make my mark the way I wanted it.  I would crisis in the middle of this, my own vast fortune.

This perfectly describes the tension I live in.

Tension is probably the most perfect way to look at living a fulfilling existence…  Is this my masochistic theory I wonder?

It is stunning at times; when I look back at those days of struggle, yet I look back and wish I was engaged now in similar ways… and then realize I suppose I am.  My struggle today encompasses writing three times a week and publishing, teaching and promoting myself, keeping a steady job, creating work and performing in shows as a soloist, performing and rehearsing with my troupe, learning choreography and lines for the other shows I am cast in, mediating for the communities I do that type of work with, remaining open to new ideas and opportunities as well as staying rooted and connected to the work I’m committed to, maintaining relationships, learning new things, and still tinkering at my work desk making costumes, props, set pieces, and sometimes just work for me and my brain…

I juggle and I balance.  I fail at being perfect at everything (or anything), but I continue to try and measure my progress in terms of increasing capacity, increasing understanding, increasing skill and POV.  I am a growing organism.  I evolve or I die.  I understand new ideas or I wither and become complacent.

Embracing all the different aspects of my sexuality I see myself challenging the easy unfulfilling modes of behavior I’ve repeated historically, including a strong capacity for self repression.  I am learning new ways to approach the life I have with elbow grease towards becoming the life I want.  The tools I am becoming familiar with are transparency, self-confidence, meditation, and clear communication.  I am blessed to feel this tension in me vibrate, shift, and thrive.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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