Addressing Kink Scene Expectations and the Gap Existent within Individual Realities

“Cupid for Balin”, photo by Martin Fisch

I was talking to someone recently about how thoroughly different experiences and individual takeaways can be for persons sceneing with one another. It can be very challenging when it isn’t understood by your partner that the experience happening in their body/heart/mind doesn’t play out like your own experience of the scene you’re both engaged in. I thought this was an interesting topic to write about, so here we are… This subject can be broken down into a lot of different topics, I’ve written about a couple of them. I have a lot more to say on this issue than I’ll get into in today’s blog, but it’s a place to start.

Point of difference: Dominants and submissives emotionally and intellectually (not to mention physically) have very different functions in a scene, and so very different experiences and potential meaning makings from any given interaction. This seems reasonable and even obvious if you think about it. It could be said that the “job” of a Dominant is to come up with ideas for play, to practice skills, and often to administer physical, mental, or emotional manipulations of another person. This work is intellectual as well as physical, it requires time, consideration, preparation, and check-ins to be done well. A submissive’s “job” is often to receive, primarily physically and emotionally. A submissive may often be expected to enact another person’s will, and effort to please, bear, or follow. It’s possible to submit without having skills at the ready, or even knowledge of what will happen when one meets a partner for play. Pre-scene preparation for a submissive may be more personal and less about their partner’s needs (outside of any homework they’ve been given or expectations previously outlined by the Dominant). In my experience as a switch who’s gone pretty far in both directions, I can definitely say that what I get out of Dominating someone is very different than what I get out of submission. I can explain the differences between these experiences most clearly by writing about my emotional and intellectual observations.

When I submit to someone I am bending to their will. The emotional component of this is strong. How I then feel toward someone whom I’ve handed that much trust to, or invested that heavily in pleasing, or allowing myself to be flooded with chemicals from our play, is such that I find I may get emotionally attached to them quite easily. I am almost always out of my intellectual element when I submit.

When I Dominate I get off by being pleased, by nurturing, by being physical, by feeling empathy and connection with my partner, by having done a good job pulling someone out of themselves, and by garnering the chemicals and emotions which will allow my sub to intellectually disengage and “fly”. I enjoy being affective. I put a lot of thought and preparation into my scenes and I try to make sure my skill administration, my communication, and my requests are not harmful to my playmates (pleasurable even) — even days and weeks after our interaction. Maybe because of my need to be logistically and holistically responsible for what happens, I do not develop the same “need” to play with certain people time and time again or on a regular schedule. My desire tends to be a little more activity oriented than person or timeframe oriented.

The heart wants, where the mind acknowledges distance.

I am sure this is not the case for everybody. I have observed in the kink scene that it’s more common to find Dominants who play with multiple subs, than subs who trust and fully submit to (rather than simply agree to bottom to) multiple Dominants. I wonder if the difference in one’s emotional vs. intellectual investment effects that?

It’s very possible to Dominate someone who is bottoming, or to Top someone who is submitting. How we feel about what we are doing is each person’s individual takeaway, and thus reality. I think it’s common to project one’s own meaning making based on their emotional/physical/mental/spiritual/lived experience onto partners, and to form expectations of others along those lines. It can be difficult to ask a partner what they got out of a moment of connection. Perhaps this is due to a fear that our experiences can be “wrong” or “not count” if they aren’t shared by our partners?

Point of difference: Kink as a potentially healing activity, or trauma informed catharsis is not for everyone. This is a more complicated look at the subject, one which can have deeply meaningful fallout, and one which I think a lot of people don’t take the time to consider. One of the genius parts of the human psyche is our ability to sexualize trauma as a way of overpowering an instilled feeling of powerlessness in order to heal it. You may have heard the phrase, “Kink isn’t therapy, but it can be therapeutic”. This is absolutely true for a lot of individuals. What people often fail to realize though, is that what’s happening in one person’s head is not necessarily (or even commonly) happening or being considered in their partner’s.

Of note: the rate of abuse in our world is so high it’s common for a person to be dealing with some form of trauma while engaging in sexual or kink related activities. For some people to function normally or have sexualities/sensualities which are accessible at all, sexualizing activities and emotions which are taboo, or attempting to reclaim power within a scenario another person might never want to experience (much less negotiate about), is very real.

It is absolutely every person’s right not to engage in fantasy/sensual/sexual play that feels like edge play to them, or feels as though they are having to process or be complicit in something they morally, ethically, or in any other way do not condone. It’s important not to demonize people whose psychologies are different from our own. It is especially important to keep this in mind when interacting with people who have gone through trauma and who feel safe enough to let you know what has happened to them. There is a marked difference between judging someone, and accepting that their needs are not ones you’re interested in fulfilling or even further discussing.

I would hazard to say that the more taboo the kink being discussed is, the higher chance you have of running into a person who’s processing some sort of trauma when they engage in it. It’s understandable if that feels bad for you to partake in. These realities have to coexist, because, well, in reality they do. What we have power over is what we do about this disparity in realities when we interact with each other.

This is a primary reason that when I negotiate any type of play (role play, edge play, or other activity) with someone (Dominant or submissive) I try to ask during our interview if anything like the activity we’re negotiating has happened to them in a negative way, “Is it possible or probable that how we’re planning to engage with one another could be triggering?”. There are big differences between planning a scene which is meant to be an innocent exploration of a fantasy, and finding yourself in a scene which is triggering, or intentionally engaging in edge play, or playing specifically in order to overcome deeper emotions and address someone’s emotional or mental health. It should be every individual’s choice to negotiate engaging up to (and not beyond) whatever level they feel comfortable.

If someone’s limit is “not playing with people who have a history of abuse in the type of play being negotiated”, that doesn’t make them a bad person or an unsympathetic partner. In fact, knowing that’s a limit of theirs is helpful to know upfront for those people desiring play which will go deeper or might take on a darker catharsis. I think a lot of people come across these disparities of needs, or conflicts of boundaries.

It’s vital to talk about our differences. When someone is approached with a desire or fantasy which feels triggering, dangerous, or like it would require a higher level of responsibility than that person is willing to take on, it’s important to voice that in a firm but non-shaming manner. This is how we help one another grow, learn to advocate for our needs, and communicate more and more respectfully over time.

Where we meet (hopefully) is in the moments of connection we do find with one another. We search for partners who want to play similar games, and those whom we enjoy playing with. Maybe it’s attraction, chemistry, the dungeon-side manner, the desire for a certain level of intensity, the challenge, the growth, the admiration, the trust, or any other limitless number of ingredients which go into a play partnership which make a person’s partner(s) the one(s) who flip their switches and make them want to come to the table with everything they’ve got. Like the socialization lessons we learned on the playground as kids, we must respect the boundaries of those we enjoy or we will not have them around to enjoy for very long. Not everyone wants to play the same games everyday or with the same people all the time. Not every person enjoys playing to the same level, or will reap rewards at the same pace.

For a moment in time to be cohesively beautiful between two (or more) people, we work. We do not owe one another to go outside of our personal limits in order to connect. The desire to connect itself is changeable, sometimes fragile, and hopefully evolves over time as we do.

I like to think that we do owe one another words. The truth as we each understand it is a glimpse into the inner workings of our desires, experiences, and needs. This is how we bridge the gap between all the variable expectations between us, which simply exist.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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~Thank you.

Domineering vs Dominant

I am approaching my computer wearily today. I don’t know what to write about. My mind is a little foggy. The weekend was great and also a very hard one. I don’t want to talk about why, though eventually I’ll need to because what I’ve been working to help straighten out is important. I don’t have the energy to hash through all of the complicated and many faceted conversations surrounding what I’m processing to get to the meat and write about those subjects individually yet though. It’ll come. I have a lot to say. Yes it is related to #MeToo, and no, this time it wasn’t me, but #IWasThere.

So, hmmm… Where does this leave me with today’s blog? Honestly my brain feels a little burnt out talking about sex and how to keep sexuality a safe exploration. Then again, all the reasons why it’s important to keep this conversation going are fresh and heavy in my heart. I’ll talk about other matters which are related. Matters I’ve also been dealing with this very week:

Pointers for vetting a potential kinkster playmate. I found myself navigating this conversation a few days ago, and instead of successfully finding someone I felt would listen to me and build a great scene for the two of us to share, I found I had to turn down a person who was acting domineering, self serving, and rude. I don’t often get as far as meeting someone in my vetting process and then have to turn them down, but in this case it seemed the only realistic option — especially since I value my time and energy and had no interest in training this person in the art of decency to begin with.

Domineering or Dominant? This unfortunate and frequent must-ask question pops up a lot when someone is looking for a Dominant partner to play with. Bravado is a mask with which the ungrounded often cover themselves. However, domineering attitudes can not only belie an annoying person who you won’t really have a lot of fun playing with and who may not listen to your needs as articulately as you might wish, it may also indicate someone who is potentially unsafe to play with at all. Someone who is domineering is putting their own thoughts and ideas ahead of everyone else’s. By definition this is a problematic quality in a Dominant when considering the safety and boundaries of a submissive.

Some red flags:

  • When you tell someone something about yourself and they vehemently reject it rather than politely declining your offer and suggesting an alternative that might work for both of you:

Me: You can call me Sir… but I really don’t go for Ma’am or Miss

Them: You have a better chance of meeting Jesus. I will forgo the other two though

This may seem like a silly thing to pick up on, but it does indicate an unwillingness to respect my wishes, pronouns, and indications about how I like to be treated and viewed in general. It’s also needlessly insulting. Why would I want to spend time with someone who speaks to me like that? Why would I put my safety in the hands of someone this out of touch with respectful discourse?

  • Someone who refuses to discuss or negotiate a scene before playing with you (see following)
  • Someone who reframes your needs as “too much”, “unsexy”, or “not important”:

Me: What do you have in mind?

Them: Hang out, tie you up and spank you.

Me: I’m not sure I want to move that fast with you. We didn’t talk a lot about kink or your likes/dislikes or specific interests with me. I require clear negotiation if I’m going to bottom.

Them: I’m less of a talker and more of a doer. The more you talk and plan, the less spontaneity and excitement comes of the time. … this is supposed to be fun, free flowing and easy. Instead you’re asking to have everything detailed out and planned which kind of sucks the life out of all of it. I was interested in getting to know you better but there seem to be more roadblocks than exciting opportunities.

This person in minimizing my needs and putting pressure on me to change my mind and be “easier” for him to get to know. He’s basically bullying me to do things his way or feel as though what I am advocating for, in mind of my own safety and pleasure, is too much. What I need to feel safe around playing with another person, categorically, is not asking for too much. Let me impress that ideal clearly.

  • Someone who repeatedly reframes the conversation, controls the conversation, or changes the subject without answering your questions or commenting on any of your points (this happened repeatedly in our conversation)

I’m very happy to seek out another play partner, someone who wants me to feel comfortable and who accepts what I tell them about what I need to feel safe. Why would this unfold any other way? It’s really important for subs to advocate for themselves and be accommodated. The idea that “the sub is always the one actually in control” is an important tenet to be mindful of. The sub is the one who sets the pace for play, and stops everything if it isn’t going well. A Dominant should know and respect this first and foremost.

Why are all these little things important? They are important because they are important to one of the players — specifically the player who has the most to lose when it comes to the consequences of sceneing. They are important because there are a lot of people out there who aren’t off-putting and generally disrespectful. There are plenty of people who are game to try new things and who want to be respectful, safe, informed, and try things what will make both parties happy. There are plenty of people out there who are not rapists and abusers and are happy to go more than a modicum out of their way to prove to me they respect my feelings of safety over their “fun”. The person in my example is displaying the attitudes of someone who might not actually respect my body, emotions, mind, desires, limits, negotiations, and boundaries when I’m in a much more compromised or dangerous position. Why would I move forward with this person? Why would I let them tie me up? If I take the time to look, I’ll find partners to play with who don’t make me worry about my autonomy and safety. Saying “no” to this red flag covered playmate means that when I find the people who make me want to say “yes”, my yes is meaningfully given to a partner who will be a much more fun, safe, and rewarding Dominant.

Negotiations are all about communication, and yes, it is absolutely possible to just speak differently about things and still have the exact same values. However, everyone deserves respect. Everyone deserves to be questioned and to speak for themselves about what’s important to them. The moment someone assumes they know what is best for me and refrains from asking me about whether they are correct or check in about their intent, is the moment I am no longer safely in the hands of someone who is listening to me or considers my experience and therefore safety.

What we must do with one another first and foremost is listen. Listen to play partners and try to figure out why what they’re saying is important to them, as opposed to why it is or isn’t something you agree with. Know what your feelings on a subject are, and be able to separate them from someone else’s feelings. More often than not it’s completely reasonable to agree to disagree on certain subjects as long as you can decide how to functionally and respectfully handle the situation when it comes up.

Talk about your likes, dislikes, boundaries, interests, and needs before playing with someone for the first time. This is not just smart, it’s the MOST NORMAL THING people who engage in BDSM do. Pre-negotiation of a scene does the opposite of “sucking all the fun out”, it makes the scene more tailored to the desires of the people involved, meaning it will be more fun for everyone. It allows people to get into safer situations in a more well-informed way. It helps Dominants make sure they don’t make mistakes in play because of personal or really specific safety issues. More than once I’ve tailored a scene because I found out my partner had an injury, or really sensitive skin, or was less flexible than I previously thought, or was allergic to an ingredient in the lotion I was going to use. I’m HAPPY to make those adjustments because then I get to PLAY! All of these little considerations make my agenda as a Dominant more and more rewarding when it’s time to follow through. I get to have great consensual fun with a relaxed and trusting sub rather than rushing them to the hospital or dealing with trauma of some sort because something I didn’t realize would be a problem got triggered physically, emotionally, and/or mentally within our scene.

At the end of the day negotiations are a gift. Negotiations are vital to fun, and are groundbreaking in their ability to foster trust and generate a slow and steady path to successful scening. Negotiation is a sexy word. Don’t let anyone ever tell you your need to check in about their intentions for your body/heart/mind is overbearing, unsexy, or makes you less of a good, game, giving partner or submissive. Anyone who tells you your need to check in and establish respectful discourse on the subject of what will happen to your body is unimportant, is also someone who will not care when you “red out” of a scene or ask for a safety adjustment while you’re playing. They are telling you one thing by breezing past your preferences: “I am in this for me, and what I want is more important than what you want”. Not only is that the definition of an unsafe and potentially abusive partner, it is wrong, and it is NOT Dominant behavior. Dominants want their toys to be happy. Happy enough to come back and play with them again and again and again. Anyone that shortsighted about playing with you probably has something in mind for you that you don’t want in the first place. If they’re not willing to do work before your first scene, why would they ever start listening to you after you’ve already let them have your body in the first place?

Be safe out there. Say no when you feel nervous. Articulate what you need to feel more connected to the person you’re considering playing with. Don’t let anyone talk down to you or brush your requests aside. Don’t let anyone belittle your experience or ignore the things you are asking for. You deserve respect. You deserve fun.

What questions do you have for me, Dear Readers? Are there subjects in particular that interest you that I don’t speak about enough? Are there questions you have for me personally that I haven’t answered for you, or that you’d like updates on? Are there kinks you’d like me to try out and report on? Fill out the form on my Contact page, and I’ll get on it!

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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~Thank you.

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