Consent and Coercion

Pen and ink by Creature Karin Webb

In this era of #MeToo it’s hard not to talk about consent, negotiation, and coercive behaviors as we address the idea of a healthy sexuality and what sexual behaviors we’d like to cultivate moving forward. Alongside these discussions it’s natural to wonder, recount, or perhaps even worry whether you yourself have leaned on past lovers in ways which felt sexually coercive. Chances are the vast majority of us (especially of a certain age) have at some point along our sexual journey engaged in sexual negotiation using conscious or unconscious forms of coercion to get what we wanted.

For many women (cis, trans, NB) and others it may feel as though our entire experience of sexuality has existed within the confines of coercion as a present or expected element effecting our negotiations and exploration. Certainly it’s easy to feel this way even in non-sexual spaces daily—constant judgment and commenting from people who profit off the male gaze, a society rife with patriarchally-fueled marginalization which undermines livelihood for many, and a persistent pressure from the media to mirror inauthentic standards of behavior, dress, and presentation in exchange for safety (physical autonomy, social mobility, and provision of basic needs). In situations where males, men, more privileged people, hierarchical partnerships, or D/s dynamics are present in the negotiation room, these stressors are naturally present, even if below the conscious surface.

There are too many sexual assault and abuse survivors in our world, and the consequences of this treatment can be deeply rooted in one’s mind, emotions, and body. Sexual negotiation is not a thing everyone has equal access to as a direct or easy conversation. After experiencing sexuality through the lens of a coercion (especially consistently or violently), it can be hard to approach negotiation outside the confines of expecting coercion: survival mode. There are many people who want to process their histories of coercion (received or acted on) in order to move beyond, to heal, and to enjoy power imbalances safely and consensually. How do people regain control of their narratives and come together in healthy ways?

Consider that being a pushover plays into unhealthy exchange, and can be coercive in its own sense. We must take responsibility for the things we want, what we enjoy, what we desire, and our boundaries. Even if it’s hard to articulate these things (it often is), it’s important to rise to the occasion for yourself and also for the health of your partners. For example: if I desire to be treated primally without overt consent in a sexual situation; if I desire to have my boundaries challenged as a way to enjoy or access sex in ways I feel unable to access it outside of those parameters; if I desire (for example) breeding or the threat of breeding in my scene—I must do the work to get over my shame and other repressive blocks (including trauma) concerning these desires, and I must ask for them as I want them to be done. Otherwise I risk feeding into and helping maintain dangerous community standards which play into ideas like “boys will be boys”, “she was dressed like she wanted it”, and “they didn’t say “no””. A silent push to trigger a partner’s aggression or instigate boundary pushing can certainly perpetuate unhealthy communication and risky behaviors in both myself and my partners.

Is it the sole responsibility of the person who desires coercion to speak up? No. As the bottom in that scene I may have a hard time saying, “I want you to tie me down and fuck me like an animal”, however it’s of utmost importance that the top in this dynamic is able to say, “I really want to ravage you right now, and I feel like you want that too, but I need to make sure you’re into it and that you’ll let me know when you’re overwhelmed or I’m getting near your limits” and, “I really want to come inside you but I need express permission to do that first”, or any other number of questions which acknowledge the edgy play at hand and the potential consequences of pushing forward without acknowledgement and agreement. With these words one must also be able to receive the answer vocally while also reading body language and any energetic reactions given in reply. It’s not enough just to say the words and listen for the answer you want to hear—or the absence of a negative. One must try to understand their partner as a whole person who may have a hard time articulating the word “no” but may still be saying it in other ways. If we care for one another’s well-beings, we must care that specifically.

Everyone has different limits, and those limits can change at the drop of a hat depending on a great number of factors. A good example of this is when my lizard brain and hormone monster are turned up and wanting. I know that I don’t have the same opinion of what’s acceptable as I do when I’m not turned on and not in a sexy headspace. My intelligent sex educator brain knows the ins and outs of risk factors, STI contraction possibilities, pregnancy risks, and emotional or mental health fallout possible from giving my body to someone to do what they wish without boundaries. When I’m in the altered headspace of amped up hormones and piqued sexual arousal I don’t make the best longterm decisions. I know this about myself. Add in substance use (even a little to relax) and my decision making is definitely impaired by my own sober values and standards. This is why I negotiate with people about sexual play before being in the midst of play itself, and I check in with people when I feel the need to during play. I negotiate before getting the juices flowing in order not to coerce others or to push past my own boundaries in unhealthy ways when I’m not thinking straight. This helps me enjoy the moments I get myself into more fully too—especially knowing I have a partner I trust will stop if I say the word or pull away.

One of the best tools I have at my disposal is this understanding of the disparity between turned on me and “rational” me. When I negotiate a kink scene with someone (sexual or nonsexual) I mention this fact as a negotiation point, “when I’m really turned on I want things that I won’t be happy about afterward if they come to pass. I’ll take responsibility for my “yes” in the moment if I give you one, but I will feel taken advantage of afterward if that’s the situation I’m confronted with by you. Don’t do that”. This means that if we negotiate “no sex”, “no oral/anal”, “no marks”, or anything else right now, OR if the desire to try something mid-scene which we haven’t talked about feels like a good idea, that we agree not to engage in that behavior. Period. If we realize we have great sexual chemistry, or that thing we didn’t negotiate seemed really sexy during play, we can always renegotiate to include that type of play next time. If someone is compelling enough to engage in a healthy consensual-non-consent scene with or to push boundaries with, they’re worthy of scening with more than once.

Sexual healing is real. The human brain is capable of reworking trauma by reliving negative experiences within controlled and desired circumstances. The human brain is great at sexualizing harmful experiences as a way of moving away from being capsized by fear. When something harms us, a natural human instinct is curiosity—learning as much as possible about that thing in order to better understand it, control our responses, mitigate the effects of any potential re-exposure, or simply live with less fear when the trigger is or isn’t present.

Our most primitive interactions with one another, those ruled by the lizard brain, assure the race will continue. Through sexual and sensual concourse (from concurs: [latin] run together, met), we have opportunity to both give and get in ways we cannot experience alone. As we meet, as we run together, let’s practice the gift of naming our desires, our limits, and those little bugs under the skin we call shame. The body heals, scars hang around, and some fade away. If we are going to be better as a society, if we are going to turn the tides against misogyny, repression, and control tactics authored by internalized shame, we must shine light on the dark corners of our desires. We must decide what we would like to do with them. We must move forward alongside one another thoughtfully and articulately. We must not let fear and silence control our appetites or behaviors.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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Dear Creature: Rough Stuff

Dear Creature,
I always wanted to know what I could take. A fist to the face, stomped, kicked, whipped, held under water… Up to the person doing the beating. Maybe breaking an arm or a leg. But definitely a few fingers. 
~In Eyes

In Eyes,

It’s common to wonder how much your body can take, and to fantasize about what it might be like finding the limits of what you can endure. I don’t know exactly what question you’re asking, but since this is a sentiment that a lot of people think about, and I write about BDSM, I’ll address what I hear in your statement and what ideas it brings up for me in that vein. I hope my response helps give you language to articulate your desires and find the right people to share explorations with in a risk-aware and consensual fashion. I hope that my writing aids you in wading through your impulses to sort out what you’d like to learn more about vs. those things you might not be ready for or might not actually want to experience. Since I don’t know your history or experience with BDSM or anything about your physical/emotional/mental state, I’ll write as if you were relatively new to the world of kink and are questioning what’s possible.

The first idea I want to explore is the importance of knowing the difference between reality and fantasy when approaching a scene. The things we don’t know about firsthand are a playground for the imagination, and various ideas that play well in our heads (especially in an aroused state) are not always things we actually desire to seek out or experience when we’re sensually sober or not turned on. It can be difficult to know which ideas are good ones to seek out and which ones should be relegated to the world of fantasy. Once you’ve spent some time articulating your intrigues to yourself, some questions you might want to answer are:

  • Why do I want to scene in this manner, and what do I hope to accomplish by having an experience like this? Knowing the answer to these questions may help you narrow in on what you actually want rather than a general idea for play. For example: I imagine being whipped. I wonder what that would be like, and decide I want to try bottoming for a whip Top. If I look at my motives more closely I might decide I just want to feel a whip on my skin and see what it’s like on a pain scale, or see how much of a whipping I can take. In this case I would negotiate a whipping scene with a fair amount of warm-up and with someone willing to start off slowly and build, paying attention to my need for rests, etc. On the other hand, perhaps I have a particular roleplay in mind whenever I think about being whipped, and I realize that I don’t want my skin torn or to scar from my whipping scene, instead I want to be bossed around by a “mean Governess” and have her whip me lightly over my clothes in playful punishment, which then quickly becomes a toy for teasing me and wrapping me up in it, to then be tied and groped… As you can see these are two very different scenarios, yet they’re both “whipping scenes”. Not everyone will share an interest in both scenarios, and not everyone will have the skills to engage specifically in what you’re looking for either.
  • What do I think I can endure, and what are my limits in the scenario I am pursuing? Answering this question will help you inject a bit of grounded reality into your search. It will also help you negotiate responsibly once you find a partner willing to play. Depending on the day, your current emotions, physical state, etc., you may not always answer this question the same way, but answering it even once will give you an idea about what you’re really interested in vs. what you’re less excited about, or simply will not tolerate. This is an important question to think about, articulate as well as you’re able to, and negotiate clearly to be a responsible BDSM partner. BDSM is not about violating people’s actual boundaries — even if we want it to feel that way sometimes. It’s just as important for a Top or D-type to trust their bottom or s-type as it is the other way around. This means the bottom/s-type needs to realistically know their boundaries, be willing to communicate them prior to sceneing, and be willing to speak up within scene if something needs to be addressed.
  • What are the consequences for playing in the manner I desire, and am I as excited about the potential healing process as I am the scene itself? BDSM can take a toll on our bodies, especially rough body play, impact play, and the use of sharp objects, to mention a few. Consequences from scening can include bruising, broken bones, torn/pierced/cut flesh, bleeding internally or externally, throwing up, becoming ill, STI transmission, bloodborne pathogen transmission, UTIs, physical exhaustion, nerve damage, emotional triggers, mental instability… the list goes on. Some of these consequences are dealt with simply and quickly, some take months or years to repair, and some never heal, leave their mark permanently, or create complications. Not playing safely, ignorance of the potential dangers of various activities, not communicating clearly, and not realizing something was wrong until it was too late are all occasions which have led to the death of BDSM practitioners. That’s something to consider and not take lightly. It’s useful to think about potential consequences: if being punched could break a bone, ask yourself if you are willing to deal with being in pain for the duration of the healing process or any other problems which result from that injury. Ask yourself if you want to deal with hospital bills, medication, loss of work, a few months of pain, and potential complications from one afternoon of experimentation.

There are two phrases people throw around in the BDSM community concerning styles of play: SSC and RACK. SSC stands for “Safe, Sane, and Consensual play”. This means approaching play with a solid understanding of the skills needed to “safely” do what’s been negotiated, to play “sanely”, meaning with regard for consequence and a realistic negotiation of ethics, and “consensually” meaning all that happens in play has been negotiated beforehand and agreed to by all parties. RACK stands for “Risk Aware Consensual Kink”. Consent is still a prime objective, and “risk-aware” points to approaching play with as much knowledge as possible about what is inherently risky about the scene, including what skill level is needed in order to mitigate unintended damage, awareness of the emotional/mental/physical health of the participants, what supplies should be on hand if something goes wrong, etc.

Many of the older BDSM players I know prefer the term RACK, myself included. SSC sounds nice, yet seems to promote a more innocent understanding of how to enter into a scene. I would rather play armed with the idea that I am “aware of risks” and have planned to address them as much as I know how to, than go in thinking I am “playing safe” and so am not at risk for unintended consequences. Though the ideas are generally similar, “Risk Aware” seems a more honest concept to me, and reminds me not to assume I know everything. It speaks to the amount of preparation and ongoing thoughtfulness and awareness I should expect to engage in when I scene.

  • Am I willing to take responsibility for putting myself in a situation where I may be harmed, experience intense pain, or suffer for a longer period than I imagined I would as a result of engaging in this sort of activity? The more you know about what you do and do not want to experience, the easier it is to get on the same page and negotiate something which feels great to everyone involved. If you are not willing to take responsibility for your actions, your asks, or to negotiate clearly about your boundaries with a scene partner you are not ready to play. If you are not ready to share the responsibility when accidents happen you should not play with others. If you are unwilling to speak up to end a scene when you need to, you are putting something which is your responsibility to address on someone else’s shoulders. This is not a statement about taking responsibility for predatory behaviors which violate negotiated boundaries, assault, rape, manipulation, or misuse. Those things are separate from being in a consensual scene which goes south for some reason, has an honest accident occur, or realizing halfway into it that what you thought you would enjoy is not something you want to continue to explore. In those latter instances you must be prepared to share in the responsibility of ending the scene and working with your partner to take care of any consequences resulting.
  • Am I capable of stopping a scene once it has begun (red-ing or safe-wording out) if I feel overwhelmed or change my mind about what I want? Continuing from the last question, it is very important that you are able to stop a thing when it feels too much. It is the responsibility of the Top/D-type to check-in and ask if everything is going alright, however no one can be expected to read your mind. Without clearly articulating what you need during a scene you cannot expect someone else to “just know” that you’re not into it anymore. If you are unable or unwilling to say “safeword/red/stop/mercy/slow down” or signal a scene to end in some way, you’re not a safe play partner and shouldn’t enter into play with someone who hasn’t consented to play with a person unwilling or unable to do these things.

A basic difference between abuse and BDSM lies in the ideals of consent and negotiation, as well as in taking responsibility for one’s actions. These values lead responsible Tops, Dominants, switches, subs, and bottoms to do their research about how to give and receive stimulation as safely, knowledgeably, and as ethically as they are capable of. In the BDSM community you’ll find people who play at all levels of intensity, and who have a vast array of skills. Skills in one area do not equal skills in another, and someone who has been in the scene for a very long time may or may not have the specific skills you’re looking for. Even experienced players continue to learn new tricks, take classes to improve skills they already have, and expand their knowledge about what can be done and how to do those things more safely. Some kinky activities may seem very easy and mainstream and other types of popular play many people set as hard limits without a second thought. The world of BDSM is a creative one, an inquisitive and experimental one, and one which thrives off of knowledge, practice, and growth.

If you’re interested in engaging in a scene that could end up breaking a bone, I recommend you approach someone who is studied at and skilled in rough body play. It will probably take time to find a Top or Dominant who would be willing to go that far with you. Trust works from both sides of play. The person Topping a scene which could potentially break a bone must trust that the person who is bottoming is actually consenting to that degree of stimulation, that they can handle the healing process and all it entails, and that they clearly understand and consent to potential long term consequences and complications. You will probably play with someone a number of times before you build that type of trust between you — if you find someone emotionally, mentally, and physically up for breaking someone’s bone on purpose. It may just be easier to take up boxing or find a fight club in your area…

One last thought I have regarding your letter is about the concept of it being “up to the person doing the beating”. This sentiment gives me pause, as it seems to take the responsibility of what you’re asking for off of you and putting it onto another person. It’s important to remember that at the end of the day, you have control and responsibility for your actions and instigations. You have control to stop a scene. You have control to negotiate for what you do and do not want to happen to your body. The Top/D-type may “take that control away” when you are in scene, but you, ultimately, set the pace for the scene and decide when it will end through your actions and inactions. When people speak of “consensual non-consent” in BDSM they are referring to a type of play or a relationship structure where people have agreed to allow the D-type person to “do as they wish”, and the s-type person must “obey and endure it”. These are generally scenes or arrangements with an agreed upon end time, which incorporates check-ins, utilizes stellar communication between players, and there is a safe-word in place. The emphasis is usually on the D-type deciding what type of play will happen and the s-type going along with it as far as they’re able and actually consenting to, rather than engaging in a pre-negotiated scene agreed upon by both parties. As you can imagine relationships such as these do not evolve without play partners knowing one another very well, or without a clear understanding of limits, health factors, interests, and rules in place already. Relationships like these do not happen overnight, nor do they evolve without a lot of consideration. Con-noncon requires the D-type to take on a huge amount of responsibility, and for an s-type to be very committed to managing their discipline. Far more frequently it is a fantasy rather than a regular practice, or a short term scene negotiation rather than a lifestyle choice.

Welcome to the land of figuring out how to get to the places you’re curious to find! Expect to start out slowly and to build one experience upon another. Expect to meet a variety of interesting and imaginative people who may or may not be interested in the same things you are. Expect to talk a *lot* about sex and kink and limits and be willing to process emotions and judgments and even self-shame or surprising revelations along the way. Play with awareness and play safely, responsibly, consensually, courteously, and negotiate realistically. Do your research and practice new skills. You’ll go further that way.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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~Thank you.

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