Dear Creature: What Are My Kinky Motivations?

Dear Creature,

I hope you wont mind me asking you something, you seem to have such a wonderful grasp of the the dynamics and psychology of most things sexual. I, on the other hand, have only just discovered the “Domme Daughter/sub daddy” thing. Here’s the thing: as a single Dad whose wife passed when my daughter was only 3 years old, I raised her all on my own. She’s 33 now. I never had one single sexual or inappropriate thought about her. Never did. Never have. Never will. So… why is it that I found the dynamic of this scenario so very enticing when I stumbled across it online? What’s driving me? ~Stumped by Motives

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Dear Stumped,

What a great question! Many people struggle with similar questions when their fantasies are socially taboo. Sexual shame and sexual shaming is so prevalent in our society, it’s not just age players who worry about whether or not their desires are “wrong” or wonder where they even came from in the first place.

Sexual fantasies are stimulated by a number of factors, and we don’t always know exactly what drives them. Having an interesting fantasy is also not the same thing as desiring actualization of the fantasy played out in real life or within established relationships. Your interest in exploring a Dom Daughter/daddy sub dynamic could be rooted in lots of things. First, consider what about the dynamic is exciting to you.

When you’re faced with an unfamiliar intrigue you want to know more about, think about the specific parts of the dynamic or scenario that turn you on. This is a great way to suss out what attracts you to it. In my experience age play and related dynamics aren’t usually about “age” specifically (though for some people it is). More often than not people who engage in age play (Big/little, Little/big, DD/lg, Daddy/boy Mommy/boy, Mommy/girl, Caregiver/little, etc.) dynamics are seeking to create a safe space to experience things like: innocence, the idea of a simpler time in life, the joy of caregiving (giving and receiving), indulging the senses in less than grown-up ways (sometimes including adult activities), being allowed to play pretend or enjoy playtime, personal stress management for high pressure work, cultivation of relationships where you can enjoy being in charge without the usual consequences of pulling rank, wanting permission to get whatever you truly desire in a scene without feeling guilty for wanting certain things, or sometimes even just simply enjoying taboo and perverse concepts in a safe environment with consenting playfriends…

We’ve all been kids, and we’ve all had experiences being cared for in our youths. Regardless of whether or not a person has parenting experience, many people are interested in age play, kinky familial play, and exploring culturally inappropriate or taboo subjects. As a person who has parenting skills you might feel you’d be good at roleplaying that dynamic, which is certainly a relaxing and potentially stimulating concept. Maybe you adore nurturing, pleasing, or being at the mercy of someone smaller than you? The Daughter-as-Dom spin on the more common Daddy Dom/little girl (DDlg) dynamic might point to you not wanting to be in control, even as you enjoy caregiving or being a nurturing partner. We all grow up, but that doesn’t mean we stop needing playtime or to exercise our imaginations. 

More specific to this particular dynamic and role, when I brainstorm the idea of “daddy as sub”, I can come up with lots of ideas that make it an attractive play option:

  • Its intersection with age play
  • Fun with taboo and/or role play
  • Taking on the role of caregiver without that role being in conflict with having a sexual appetite in a relationship
  • Enjoyment of being in charge (Daddy) without having to be in charge of what happens (sub daddy)
  • A desire to be “taken” by someone smaller or more innocent than yourself
  • A love of cute things (if your fantasy Daughter is such)
  • Liking the idea of “teaching” someone about their sexuality on their terms
  • An attraction to youth explored consensually and legally
  • Desire to cater to or be in a relationship with a “Princess” type
  • There might be stories from your youth about this type of relationship being romanticized or sexualized
  • The power differential is different than what’s commonly depicted in D/s “norms”, which may give you freedom to distance yourself from other gendered stereotypes you might not be comfortable with
  • A desire to be Dommed by someone you feel safe with, more trusting of, or more deeply connected to than one who simply considers themselves Dominant
  • D/s that feels like it’s built off more equal ground (age differential favors Daddy, D/s differential favors Daughter)
  • There are hundreds of ideas I could generate about why this scenario is potentially attractive, but you’ll find more fitting answers exploring your own thoughts on the subject

You can travel as deeply as you like down the rabbit hole of psychological meaning making. At the end of the day, if an idea turns you on and negotiating play in a healthy manner with consenting adults is something you’d like to try, why not do just that? However, if your fantasy is more pleasurable than roleplay might be, just keep fantasizing.

Healthy BDSM encounters offer the opportunity to experience things we wouldn’t explore or can’t explore without negative consequences. We humans are curious creatures. When something is banned in society, it’s natural for a part of our brains to speak up and say, “but what if…?”. Consensual BDSM offers a sensual and sexual framework to explore these questions ethically, and (hopefully) gain pleasure from negotiating well with others!

When Rhode Island decriminalized indoor prostitution for six years at the turn of this last century, some interesting statistics surfaced. Specifically, in that period of time incidences of forceable rape went down statewide by 31%. The largest portion of that statistic applied to the city of Providence where much of the state’s sex work industry is centered. Rape declining by a third is nothing to scoff at! It was legal to engage in indoor sex work during that period of time, meaning sex workers themselves were able to report without consequence, so these numbers wouldn’t reflect that proportion of rapes shifting onto sex workers themselves. While we don’t know exactly why this happened, what it brings to mind is the possibility that people who may relieve sexual tension through non-consensual behaviors were presented with another less stigmatized outlet to fulfill their needs: legal, accessible, indoor working (which is statistically safer than street encountered) sex workers.

I bring this point up because there are people out there who do struggle with problematic thoughts, desires, fantasies, and urges which sometimes result in unsafe or violent behaviors. Whether a person is hiring a sex worker to help them address their needs, or they find relief with consenting partners utilizing BDSM activities and role play, the opportunity to shed shame and stigma while engaging in a fetish, fantasy, or fulfilling a need without harming others is a huge benefit to those people who might act out harmfully otherwise, their potential victims, and our larger community as a whole.

You’ve stated that your interest in Daughter Doms isn’t connected to your parenting relationship to a real human being. Honestly, there’s no reason it should be conflated as such in the first place. Your role as a parent is not the same as your role as a sexual human being. There’s no way to know for sure what specific mechanisms are at work for you outside your own thoughts on the subject. At the end of the day, if you’re attracted to the idea of being a sub daddy to a Daughter Dom, online BDSM communities like Fetlife are a great place to learn more about the dynamic. You can get to know others who enjoy that type of play too. Good luck kinking!

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please help me out by joining my Patreon campaign, Donating, or booking a professional or educational session with me. Thank you!

Denial of Little Things

I’ve spent the past week teaching myself code for excel so I can attempt building a database to organize contacts and session notes. I’m horrible at red tape, but I love building things. I have no idea where I keep the information for anything I do, and recently noticed about four journals, an unaccounted for number of emails and social media message boxes, and 15 spreadsheets where I’ve “started” taking notes. It’s definitely time to take this project by the teeth and write. Code. For myself. It seems I never do things the easy way…

I won’t lie, this is also a point of pride. It feels good to know that I can fend for myself and I don’t need other people to survive. It’s a tactic I’ve garnered after an entire lifetime of not being able to simply afford buying the thing or hiring the person to do it for me. My house is tidy and clean, my websites were built by me (which is also the reason they never get redesigned or updated unfortunately), and I have a very disparate set of skills in my back pocket, which I can apply wherever I must when the time comes to whip them about. The amount of time I spend learning brand new skills and making a few examples of each new thing, accounts for a high percentage of my existence. This is also something which defines my artistry, for which I’m proud. On the other hand, the soft gooey sloopy slimy skiddish kitten inside of me—the personal face of who I am—is not the face people outside of me look upon. Other people see results instead of struggle, mess, and obsessive weeks of research, try-and-fail build and rebuild throughout frustration, gestation, dreaming, and eventual success. The amount of times people have given me the feedback that I’m intimidating, unemotional, that I don’t seem to need people, or that I’m unaccessible is shocking and frankly saddening to me, perhaps also a bit isolating.

So, what does a hardened professional with all the skills and none of the time left over do to unwind and find love at the end of the day when the soft gooey sloopy slimy skiddish kitten needs to come out and play? Honestly it doesn’t happen as often as I would like, but lately I’ve found a new kink clamoring for attention: being “little”. Yes, you read it right, this 40 year old BDSM skills teacher/Dom/sex ed coach/performance artist likes to throw on a onesie and snuggle close with someone excited to step in and be Mommy/Daddy/Caretaker/Big to me.

Everyone needs balance and mine right now heralds time for nurturance. It’s also just plain fun. After a day of studying VBA and tearing my hair out because I didn’t realize one character in a page of code needed to be capitalized, or fulfilling other peoples fantasies, or being psychologically and emotionally focused on supporting and encouraging others, I need silliness! Who doesn’t want to dress up in a tutu and get treated to the movies, or lay on a carpet and color for an afternoon, or be given a bath, or be told what to do (especially if it’s what you already wanted to do anyway), or be seduced in a completely perverted fashion (well, that last one I suppose is a matter of taste, and I joyfully pervert my time away with trusted pervert friends whenever I can).

Why am I writing about this today? It’s not the academic, nor the poetic fodder from which my usual offerings are made. I’m writing about this because I think it’s important and beautiful to be diverse in our endeavors. It’s a blessing to be full of life and willing to try new expressions which are inconsistent with our canon when the intrigue comes around. It’s an opportunity for growth to try a thing on for our own amusement or assessment, which I absolutely champion. I think it is far too common in today’s binary-enforced society to hold the phrase “no, not I” forefront as if the face-mask of a costume which defines one’s reality, rather than in the back pocket waiting for actual need to arise. Where is our collective sense of “yes, and”—or even, “I dunno, I’ll try”?

Shame is the yet unnamed villain contained within the story of my writing. Shame shuts people down and keeps us holed up inside, afraid to move into new territory or revisit old failures armed with new information. Shame whispers that we definitely should not, even when we have opportunity and understanding surrounding us. Shame convinces our brains that there is no circle of friends who would entertain saying “let me help you” to the questions we have. Shame dresses us in monotone instead of vibrantly colored self-assurance, and takes away our toys as if life were never meant for play.

I realize that within my desire to experience and try on being little I’ve held onto the safety of isolation and the story of self-sufficiency for too long. I haven’t put myself out there to my communities to ask for help. I seem to have lost track of the key which secures this “do-it-all-myself” persona/mask to my face. I’ve gone to lengths to cover up my own inner desires—even as I champion others’. This is a story highlighting the importance of paying attention to exactly how we deny ourselves or fail to engage in forms of self love and much needed care. It doesn’t serve anyone to deny joy in the name of self judgement and shame—that we judge ourselves harshly may be a major reason we judge others harshly too, producing an ever increasing fear of judgement. The answer to breaking that feedback loop can often be found deep in the bowels of self acceptance.

Today I encourage you to step out and play. Try the thing on. Make friends. Consensually and safely bury yourself in that new activity you’ve had your eye on simply for the reason that it feels good and somehow fills your mind, heart, spirit, or body with release and joy. Don’t question yourself over and over about “why” until you give the thing up. Find a reasonably safe way to try…

In ending, does this mean I don’t derive pleasure, empowerment, joy, and satisfaction from my position as Power Sex Geek Artist? Absolutely not. Though I desire time to be a cared for little thing, I don’t endeavor to be a smaller Creature than I am fit to be. I am even larger when I can be little when I need.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please visit my Patreon, offer one time Support or email me for other options. Thank you.

A is for AGE PLAY

IMG_1492In the same breath as any discussion ‘Age Play’ comes the disclaimer (clear boundary explanation?) that this play is happening between consenting adults only.  It is important that this be said out loud (particularly for the uninitiated) because there are few unexplored taboos in the Kink/Fetish community (this is why it’s the kink/fetish community!).  The unexplored taboos we accept are generally regarded as healthy boundaries and held onto for pretty sound reasons.  Clearly negotiating consent between adults is the central pillar to how safely and sanely exploring limits and taboos works.  In line with that concept, the broad-base accepted hard limits of the kink ‘community’ are often described as: No Real Underage Kids, No Real Animals.  Tacked onto that shortlist, each Kinkster has personal preferences and boundaries including hard and soft limits of their own, because let’s face it: just because you like to break or play with one cultural or personal taboo, does not mean you are even remotely interested in exploring another!

But, asides aside, lets talk about this Age Play kink thing already!  Age Play is an interesting kink on a lot of levels.  Obviously it touches on a taboo that many people may feel intensely about engaging in (even just conceptually) for psychological, emotional, or experiential reasons.  The idea of “age disparity” and the idea of “sexuality” in one sentence can be triggering.  Here are some of my thoughts on the subject in light of age play being a kink one might WANT to engage in:

So what exactly IS this Age Play you speak of?  Well, Age Play is any type of play/scene/scenario you and your partner(s) are engaged in where you are purposefully playing a different age than you happen to be in reality.  You can age play as older or as a younger age than you actually are.

Why would you want to engage in age play?  For every person who engages in age play there is a different reason to play:  Maybe you want to explore regressing back to a time when things were simpler and where you feel cared for by someone else – to be responsible for nothing and taken care of completely.  Maybe you want to push some limits and play the part of the bad-girl teenager you were too innocent to have enacted in real life, or you want to revisit the scenario of having sex for the first time with your High School sweetheart or with some archetype of a kid in class you never found the courage to befriend.  Maybe you really get off on the idea of role playing in general and being a different or defined age really appeals to you.  Perhaps there is something a little more personal or therapeutic in your interest – some people may want to reenact a traumatic event they experienced when they were younger to try and claim pleasure or safety in the situation by choosing it as an adult.  Or maybe you want to overcome the fears a particular scenario evokes by exploring it with trusted and safe play partners.  Maybe you love the way dressing up and acting like a little kid or like a responsible and caring parental figure looks and feels like.  Maybe the idea of being spanked or disciplined as if you were a child appeals, or the sensation of wearing onsies or diapers or sucking your thumb and carrying a blankie is comforting.  Where there is an age disparity in a scene there is also potential to explore a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship dynamic as well or enjoy a simple clearly defined power exchange.  From another perspective, maybe you wish to fulfill your partner’s desire to be a “little” or you really enjoy care taking and the protective aspect of being a “Big/Mommy/Daddy” in your scene.  Perhaps you’d like to discipline your partner and the idea of them being your student or child or a person in your custody is intriguing to you.  Maybe just the idea of being older in the scene is an exciting or confidence inspiring prospect.  Or maybe you always wanted to play the “bad guy” persona in a taboo scenario (coercive teacher, abusive priest, angry parent…).

As you can see, there are so many ways to enter into age play territory, and so many opportunities to get different things from the experience.  If you were to consider age play, what might your “in” be?

How does one approach Age Play?  There are a lot of different activities and types of play in this realm.  The first thing you might want to think about when approaching age play is what age you’d like to visit and what you’d like to get from the experience:  Are you interested in being a Dirty Old Man?  Maybe playing a 2 year old scribbling in a coloring book and being taken care of non-sexually by her “Mommy” sounds like a great afternoon activity?  You could be a teenager sneaking out of the house without her parents knowing and get caught by the cops.  Are you interested in diaper play where you could have a Mommy/Daddy/Babysitter caring for you and changing you?  Or perhaps inserting another kink into the situation is intriguing to you: chastity play through diaper use – it’s a thing, look it up.  Do you want your play to be sexual or strictly sensual or neither (childhood games and simple care-taking activities)?

Exploring your personal curiosities and articulating goals out loud are great ways to start communicating with your partners about what you’d like to try out.

So, is Age Play sexual or isn’t it?  Like so many things “kink”, this depends entirely on you!  Kink explorations run the gamut for different people.  Some people really separate the sex out of their kink and see the two as different things that they engage in at different times; often even with different sets of people.  Some people are open to acknowledging a certain level of sexual energy which might develop in a scenario, and if it makes sense or comes about organically will keep the option to play sexually on the table.  And some people just feel that kink is another type of foreplay, and what’s the point if it doesn’t lead to sex.  Regardless of how you feel in general about the separation (or not) between sexuality and kink activities, you’ll probably find that the particular relationship you have with the people you’re playing with will change your view of these things case by case.  There is no wrong way to play as long as what you’re doing is consensual and not creating harm between all of the parties involved.  Engaging in clear pre-scene negotiation that includes a conversation about sexual boundaries, STI status, barrier preferences, other partner(s) and any pre-existing agreements, and clearly consenting or not consenting to various forms of sexual touch are great points to hit on before actually engaging in play.

This is also important because you want the scene you’re walking into to play out in a way that’s enjoyable to everyone involved.  For example, if you come to the table ready to be coerced into a hot and completely “inappropriately sexual situation” by your partner, but that person can’t really get into being coercive, yet was interested in trying the scene out because they really love the idea of sensually care taking for their “young prodigy” in more sensual yet not sexual ways, neither one of you is going to be satisfied by or comfortable with the probable results when you try to play it out.  However, by talking it through beforehand and having the courage to state the kind of play you are interested in, saying your goals out loud, and describing how you want to feel and what that might look like will get you far closer to a scenario that works for everyone involved.  That, and practice makes perfect!  That, and don’t be afraid to stop a scene and renegotiate or check in if it seems to be going in a direction you hadn’t expected or don’t feel comfortable with.  Consider taking a little time to critique (kindly and in a caring manner) what worked about the play and what didn’t at some point after you’re done.  Next time you’ll know more about what turns you and your partner(s) on and be better at doing it for one another!

Photo on 2013-09-02 at 18.15

Do I look younger than 35? I am thinking young!

So Karin, What were your experiences with this particular kink like?  Good question, I’m glad you asked!  This was a really interesting kink for me to start out with because the idea of “age play” as a thing never really piqued my interest.  However, what I discovered as I thought more deeply about it, is that a couple of my tried and true fantasies absolutely contain an age-based power dynamic within them.  The more I considered those fantasies, the more I realized they were a great opportunity to explore age play for me.  So, I set it up.  The scenario was your typical teacher/student fantasy dynamic, and I was the student being held after class to answer for inappropriate behavior, blackmailed into servicing the teacher’s fantasies, and I was open to the scene building up to becoming sexual in nature.

The actual experience of the journey was an interesting one, and I got a lot out of it.  I was surprised at how easy it was to slip into the role of the teenage girl, and I remembered clearly that love/hate feeling of being turned on by someone older than myself and the accompanying fear and curiosity that triggered.  My boundaries were clearer than I thought they would be in the scene, and at one point I had to recalibrate my character’s reserves to accommodate the scene moving forward in a way that suited the trajectory my partner and I had decided on.  I was surprised at the things my “Teacher” wanted to do in the scene, and curious about them in a way I haven’t felt curious about bondage or restraint in the past.  When the scene ended there was a moment I was both disappointed to return to the known-ness of the sexual/sensual reality the “adult I” understands, and at the same time I felt a release that I could play more freely and with less heady reserves than I’d been feeling earlier…  All in all a very intriguing headspace to be in, and an intriguing headspace to leave behind.

Final thoughts:  The scene could have gone further, but I enjoyed the exploration a lot and would love to try it again.  There are aspects of the scene I’d want to develop or push harder to have a deeper experience of particular emotions, or to find out what else might come up for me.  All in all it was a pretty successful evening of fun with a great play date where I got to try out something new.

Where can I learn more?*  Some of the best references I’ve come across are on the Kink Academy website.  Really clear discussions about the subject and ideas about how to play are laid out in short video clips by Lee Harrington, Penny Barber, Domina Alexandra Snow, and other well spoken and fun to learn from educators.  I suggest checking that site out for a lot of educational ideas on how to play.  Read up on the subject in various books and consider checking out a local or regional Kink Convention to see if they offer classes in the subject, or a “littles” area in their play space/dungeon.  There may be local meet-ups for people who are into age play or identify as Littles.  Talk to a partner and read this blog together!  Maybe just the suggestion of trying something out will lead you to discover new fun games to play.  These are all great places to start, and this blog is a very basic introduction to the idea of age play – there is so much more out there.

Have fun talking to your friends, lovers, partners, and playmates.  Where there is a curiosity there’s an opportunity to learn about and try something new…

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

 

(*If you like the Kink Academy website and would like to get a subscription, please consider using any of the links on my blog to get to their subscription page; as I’m an affiliate of their website I’ll take home a portion of the proceeds.  Thank you in advance.)

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~Thank you.

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