R is for ROLE PLAY

“I thought to bring my own exam gown, as the paper robes are so scratchy. I trust you’ll let me know when it is the right time to change for you…”

“Doctor, my body feels strange and tingly all over, and I’m getting headaches. I’m distracted and can’t seem to get anything done… The source of my madness seems to be the swollen button between my legs. Let me know if you need an accompanying photograph for your files. Thank you for being on call…”

“My preliminary diagnosis is one of nervosa cliterosa… a rather extreme example of female hysteria. It will take considerable effort to treat and will most likely require the insertion of a probe deep into the genitalia… You can see what the probe looks like below. I will also send a picture of other tools that I may employ.”

Who said negotiation can’t be fun? Slipping into character is not always easy, and what feels safe, flirty, and fun over text may not carry into a face to face situation effortlessly. However, role play, for all the cheese and clumsy attempts at cleverness, mixed with the desire to turn on and be turned on, is perfectly emblematic of the “adult playground” which is kink.

What are good role play ideas? Great question! Yes.

That didn’t answer my question… Well, it did though. If all parties are voting yes to a role play idea, why not move to negotiations, scene building, and try it out in a safe, sane, and consensual risk-aware manner? The entire idea behind role play is that we can make fantasies we’d like to experience come to life. Are all fantasies come to life going to prove to be great ideas in the end? No. Just like every time you have sex it’s not the greatest sex, and every day at the office is not the best day there. Don’t be afraid to critique what worked for you and what didn’t when you’re all in a headspace which allows for it. Try again if something in there really worked. Next time keep the good parts and edit out the stuff that fell flat. Add in the stuff you forgot to do or were inspired to try but hadn’t negotiated for yet… You’ll learn a lot about yourself, and potentially one another. Maybe you didn’t know you need the aesthetics of the scene to be really vibrant to get into it, or a wig is all you need to talk filthy dirty, or the feeling of being emotionally powerless was a huge turn on, or that ankle restraints are great for setting the scene — but please make sure they’re undone before fucking because you need to move your legs around to get the best angle for pleasure, or that your partner likes being tickled as long as you’re using that voice, or that you really want to be coerced and emotionally manipulated way more deeply than your partner felt comfortable doing today… Practice makes perfect. This play is yours to write, rewrite, and evolve.

Building a scene: This happens first so a successful fantasy can play out. Building a scene can happen in a lot of different ways, but it must happen beforehand, and it requires a willingness to (probably graphically) talk about sex, talk about desire, and talk about boundaries. Building the scene is a negotiation period where the participating parties figure out what the role play will look like, who plays what character, what might/will/won’t happen in the scene, who’s responsible for what actions/props/environmental controls/costume elements/”extras” casting… and as many of the details as you can figure out to feel safe and secure enough to let go while playing with one another in imagination land.

Character Development: This is an important, and often overlooked part of role play. Character development asks you to look at who your character is, what they want, and how they’re going to get it in the scene. It is entirely one thing to say “I want to do a Doctor/patient scene”, and entirely another when the patient shows up expecting a sexy pornographic gynecological exam, but ends up behind the curtain with a mad scientist Doctor wielding fists full of scalpels and needles, or a MD type who is newly researched and emphatically prepared to give an actual pelvic exam and who would never be comfortable breaking their patient’s trust… When I say “Doctor”, to which flavor of Doctor are we referring? When you say “exam”, what style of exam are we prepping for?

Set, Props, Location, Costume: You can enter role play as instantaneously and fluidly as you can change your voice. You can also spend weeks creating the perfect costume pieces, acquiring props, and revelling in the details of every moment you have planned out. Frequently our scenes fall somewhere in between. What do you want for this role play to feel fun and sexy (or dirty and evil, or exhilarating and uncomfortable, or…)? Maybe all you need are the right shoes or wig to really feel into it, maybe the prevalent image in your head for this scene is the moment someone’s naked body is draped over a furniture piece waiting for you, maybe you just want to feel a wrestling of wills until someone loses and suffers the consequences, maybe as long as “X” happens your partner can flesh out the rest of the night how they please and you’re happy to just be along for the ride, maybe you really don’t want to do this scene at home you need the fresh energy of a foreign room, or… Whatever little details you see or feel or want from a scene are things you should be up front about and plan to include. These details or events will act as triggering forces helping you appreciate the actual situation you are in.

It’s all fun and games, but what if I start feeling feelings? This totally happens. You are in a heightened state employing your psychological and intellectual endowments as well as physical, environmental, and sensual experiences. It’s easy to have your heartstrings pulled when you relax enough to buy into your imagination. To feel yourself empathize with a character, or to suddenly connect more deeply on a personal level with what’s happening in the room, to “feel” the fantasy, and sometimes be triggered by it, are all potential experiences which role play can bring on. We are no different than we were as kids who might have gotten their feelings hurt when they didn’t get what they wanted out of playing house with our friends… Our minds are powerful fuel for behavioral experiments. Know  that. Think about potential triggers when you plan your scene. Play honestly with people you trust. Talk in depth about what you want and what you don’t want in a scene, and be prepared before you start. The first aid kit of fantasy role play may be filled with bandaids, toys, and prophylactics, but it should also have an agreed upon script about what to do when someone [starts crying, gets angry, seems out of it, isn’t responding “normally” within the scene, gets agitated…], and of course, safe words and agreed upon aftercare and/or after scene check-ins are important in this type of play too. It might take a little longer than normal to process experiences which are not predominantly physical in nature. Concerning healthy expectations: the more risky the fantasy content (physically, emotionally, psychologically), the more you need to prepare ahead of time, and the more trust you need to have between play partners.

“I’m stepping out of character for a minute”, is a great check-in phrase if you need a reality check, and there is no reason not to take brief time outs when anyone feels the need for one. Sometimes taking 30 seconds out of character helps alleviate a situation more efficiently than searching for a way to say what you need “in character”, or in “code” which might not be interpreted correctly by your scene partner. In that vein, I find calling out discomfort to be the easiest way to get over feelings of inadequacy, nerves, and actual discomfort. If you’re engaging in role play of some kind, chances are that you are someone (and/or with someone) who has a creative mind who wants to use it. Stumbling blocks are often a fear of getting tripped up somehow and falling ungracefully on your face, or offending or hurting someone inadvertently. Repeatedly I’ve found that the surest way to get back to the sensuality and ease with a partner I’m feeling friction around is to call out what’s happening when it isn’t working so we can both take a moment to recalibrate and decide to get back to what works. It also gives opportunity to address the friction if it’s symptomatic of a bigger issue going on between us. Adjustments don’t have to be boner killers, and when they are, well, there was probably a good reason to kill that one — rest assured boners can be built back up. “Back in character now”.

Have fun and laugh at yourself and with one another. Don’t be afraid of catharsis if it’s healthy and everyone around is prepared. Let yourself learn new tricks, let go a little deeper when you feel safe doing so, and lose yourself for a moment in play. Isn’t that why we love this playground in the first place?

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.


Kitten says, “Will you please play with me?”… I say, “How?”

This is a blog about asking for what you want. Just because you’re kinky doesn’t mean anyone — even the most Dominant Domly intuitive Old Guard been around a million blocks experienced pervert hedonist kinkster — knows what to do with you if you don’t take responsibility for knowing at least a little about what you want out of play. At the end of the day we all want to be taken care of. We all want to impress our wills perfectly and joyously with our partners. Those are huge sweeping ideals though, and to get anywhere near them realistically means talking about sex, talking about kink, and acknowledging very specifically what turns you on, off, and sideways.

I consider BDSM and kinky sex to be describable somewhere between the concepts of “an adult playground” and “the advanced math of sex”. There’s an enormous cross section of things to do and ways to do most activities. From fetishes centered around materials, objects, or body parts, to blood sports, water sports and beyond, to psychological play such as degradation or interrogation, to pet play (of many sorts) and spiritual or energetic kink, service submission, behavior modification… the list goes on and on infinitely. Clearly everyone who’s into being submissive or bottoming for a night (or a lifetime) certainly won’t do so in the same ways, or even for the same reasons as others do. I teach an entire workshop about the various reasons and ways people approach submission (contact me if you’re interested having me teach in a town near you). It’s impossible to know what, as a Top/Dominant you’re allowed and not allowed to do with another person’s body, mind, and emotions without talking about what they both enjoy and dislike first. Gathering that information is the responsibility of all the people interested in play. It’s not the Top/Dominant’s job to make sure they head up extracting every bit of information from a potential playmate when it hasn’t been offered to them. If it were, a lot less play would happen. Like any method of seduction someone must start the conversation, and everyone must participate for that seduction to successfully go anywhere interesting.

To illustrate: recently I asked a few of my more intimate friends to play with my pup. My pup and my friends are currently in a different state, far away from me, and I figured it would be a nice opportunity for my pup to get some play. All of the people I talked to and my pup are mutual friends of one another, and they all hang out regularly, so it seemed an easy way to instigate from afar. We have pretty much all played together in one form or another, but we generally do so separately and in different combinations. Many of us aren’t into the same things. We all have different prime directives, and those differences matter in how we negotiate playing new games with one another.

Even though there was a general excitement from everyone to play “somehow”, there was not enough direction (on my part, or my pup’s) for everyone to know exactly how to manifest that play. Further conversation within the group was necessary. My pup knew I had encouraged our friends to “yank his chain”, and he entered the party expecting a bit more out of the evening than he ended up getting. When I checked in the following day, I found out that my pup didn’t tell anyone at the party what he actually wanted, and he was disappointed more hadn’t happened. At that point my pup got a good scolding as it turned out he never took the opportunities he had over the course of the evening to directly ask for what he wanted, even though opportunities presented themselves. I expect my subs to be clear communicators and do at least half the heavy lifting when it comes to getting theirs.

Being submissive doesn’t get you off the hook for talking explicitly about what things you desire — in fact most Dominant people who care about being good little hedonists are waiting for some type of permission before bringing the big seductive sadistic hammer down on their prey. No one wants to enforce their will on another person if the outcome will be that person feeling as though the were violated, bullied, manipulated, or taken advantage of. This means submissive people must offer something the get the ball rolling. Even if you’re new to BDSM and don’t know what you like, offer at least that information and be willing to thoughtfully converse about what sounds interesting, scary, and disinteresting to you about BDSM to begin with.

There’s a well known saying in BDSM circles that “the submissive person in any scene is actually the one in control”. This is an important concept to understand, and is ultimately what separates BSDM from abuse. When a sub/bottom withdraws their consent for an activity, it stops. End of story. This gives Tops/Dominants a lot of permission to really get into a scene in nasty yet attentive ways. Knowing that it’s our job to stop when our sub has reached a limit allows us to have fun finding (but not overstepping) limits. If we break our toys we don’t get to play with them anymore. If we violate trust we are liable for the damage we’ve caused — be that physical, emotional, or mental. Just like in every facet of sexuality, “no means no” (or, rather, “red means stop, and hard limits mean no”). I’ll be super mean/sadistic/fun/weird/exploratory/etc. once you give me permission to and some boundaries to watch out for along the way. Maybe you want to be punched really hard but not humiliated. Great! Those guidelines let me know what I should do to you and what I should be careful not to do. Maybe you’d like to be degraded and verbally abused but I shouldn’t leave any marks and don’t get into “little girl” territory in the degradation… Wonderful! I’ll call you a filthy piggy whore and make you bathe in mud rather than literally drag your body across the dirty ground it in a way that might leave scrapes and marks… Perhaps you want to be treated literally like a dog and play fetch and eat out of a bowl and get scratched behind the ears — or, perhaps, “pet” play for you means being treated sub-humanly — kicked, yelled at, and eventually fucked and treated like meat? You can see that these are all very different scenes, and a Dominant will have preferences of one type of play over another, just as a sub will. It’s the worst when you think you’re getting exactly what your fantasy scenario is and then realize  “oh no, this is not at all what I thought we were going to do…”.

So know what you want. Explicitly. Practice asking for it. Say it outloud in a mirror ten times before you go out if you have to. Write it down a bunch of times, write scenarios out before you go out to play to practice articulating, at least for yourself, what your fantasies for the evening are. This way if you meet someone you’re interested in, instead of just looking at them blankly and wishing beyond all hope that they’d just be able to read your mind and see the images making you all wet and happy in your head, you actually are prepared to say one or two things about them and get the ball rolling in the right direction.

I do not respond to people who cannot tell me their fantasies. There is nothing to respond to. This is paramount to a big ball of nope for me — nothing’s gonna happen is the outcome. If a sub can tell me even one thing they like, I can ask questions about it. “Oh, so you like getting your balls kicked, how hard? Are there other forms of CBT you like? Do you like rough play in general or is it just located in your genital area that you like abuse? If you like pain in the balls, can I stick needles in them too (devilish grin)?”… The actual scene we’re going to have starts to unfold for me in a way that takes into account the other person’s preferences, considerations, desires, fears, sensitivities, and interest in challenge. All of a sudden I have 45 minutes worth of ideas about what I can do to this person instead of 10 swift kicks to the nuts (which may or may not be satisfying to me), and we’re done.

No one is ever going to know all the answers. However, we each do need to know at least one answer and take responsibility for sharing it with the people we want to play with. That’s how partnership in and out of power play works. Now go get it!

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

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