Self Care Against Desire

What I hope to look like someday without spirit gum glue…

It turns out I’m allergic to the testosterone injection that I take. I’ve been prescribed testosterone cypionate which in injectable form is created from the testosterone cypionate chemical, suspended in cottonseed oil, and mixed with the preservatives benzyl alcohol and benzyl benzoate… I’m fairly certain I’m allergic to the preservatives, benzyl alcohol and benzyl benzoate.

I’ve been on T shots for about 3 months, and the side effects get steadily worse, so I’ve been lowering my dose hoping it would be less irritating to my body until a check-up appointment I have in September. In the meantime I’ve been learning about compound pharmacies and other forms of T that I could be taking instead. Compound pharmacies are pharmacies that will mix your prescription for you from the base elements, which gives people the option of drugs tailored to their particular physiology rather than being stuck with standard doses of standard drugs. The testosterone alternative to cypionate frequently used in the United States is testosterone enanthate. Enanthate is suspended in sesame oil and uses the preservative chlorobutanol which generally has a lot less allergy issues from what I can find on the chemical… That’s what I’ll try next. Unfortunately it is more expensive by about a third. Money aside though, I’d rather not look tired all the time, have headaches, dark circles under my eyes, a puffy face constantly, a red and itchy face, neck, and injection site, or have the injection site remain irritated for longer than a week at a time… These are not normal side effects.

It takes time though to know what’s normal and what isn’t when you’re on a new drug. It doesn’t help that I’ve been traveling all over the place for as long as I’ve been taking shots — is my reaction environmental? Is it my diet or caffeine withdrawal this week? Is it the drugs? Is it transition itself? I get itchy when hair wants to grow in new places on my body. My face morphs and changes over the course of each week and I can’t tell if this is because of the allergy or because of my shapeshifting from testosterone? My body weight, fat distribution, and strength shift over the course of the week, my voice is getting lower and plays up and down a varied course too. There are days I love my body and days I’m really uncomfortable in it. There are a number of factors which feed into each of these observations. It’s hard to know for sure what’s normal and what is not. I look forward to mid-September when I get back to my doctor and can be prescribed a different drug.

I am writing this here today because I think it’s important to know what you want, yes, but it is equally (if not more) important to be physically self-aware. There are consequences to everything. Whether it be bruises from a great night of rough body play, hickies from steamy kisses on the neck, or losing your job for calling in sick after another long night of hang-over inducing fun… What matters is that you know your body and are choosing, to the degree you are able to, the consequences you receive.

I am negotiating with T these days. I might have to take some time off this course. I might have to look into options that are healthier for me, that create less physically expensive consequences. At the end of this desire to alter my physique is a healthy person who knows themselves and doesn’t need a drug more than I need my health. There are a million ways to be who I am. I am being honest with my journey. Following someone else’s path toward success will never bring me as much success as listening to my own needs and finding answers which first and foremost work for me.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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