Kandariya Mahadev Temple. Photo by Vu2sga
If your taste for physical education comes in the form of public party play, you’ll need to know a thing or two about how to act while getting your groove on in the presence of onlookers, strangers, and people you’re not involved with already. Getting kicked out of a sex party or kink party, blacklisted from venues or events, or having word around the community be that you are disrespectful to potential play partners is not the way to find your game – in fact it will thwart your attempts to build one pretty quickly. Here are some points to consider when planning to play out and about.
I’ll start by setting the scene: Places you could find yourself include Sex Parties or Kink Parties – these are often held at sex clubs, public or private dungeons, hotel rooms, convention spaces, rented venues intended for play use, theme restaurants, or private residencies.
You’ll want to know one thing off the bat: Who’s in charge. The person or persons producing the event are the ones you want to direct your questions to, and make special arrangements with should you need to. This producer/group may already have a FAQs page up or email link you can write with questions if you found the event or playspace online, or were invited via email. I HIGHLY recommend reading the entire website or email invitation pertaining to a playspace or event if you have that resource at your fingertips. It will tell you the rules specific to the space that you must adhere to if you prefer not to be escorted out early and asked not to return. Venue rules are often in place not just for the safety of the partiers, but in the interest of keeping the venue legally licensed. If you violate terms set forth by the venue for appropriate vs. non appropriate conduct you may be putting their licenses or rental agreements at risk, thus threatening to cost the venue money in fines and possibly getting them shut down should they be reported because of your behavior. If you are ever approached at an event and told to stop the activity you are engaged in by a venue employee or event coordinator, stop, save the idea for afterparty at your own house, and don’t argue about it. These people are providing a resource for the community that is not easy to negotiate in most states, and what is acceptable in one state is far from legal in another.
You’ll need to know whether you are at a sex party, a kink event, or a place that accepts both types of play. Just because we’re all happy perverts, does’t mean we all play the same way! Many sex clubs and sex parties are just that – a safe place to have sexual encounters with the other guests, should all parties be interested and consenting. Some (what I call) “sexy people” do not desire to be around kink activities while they’re getting their Kama Sutra on. Of course the line between sex and kink can be very blurry at times, so there are crossovers for sure, but while someone’s trying to focus on a slow and sensual threesome with strangers for the first time, having a direct eye line to a scene with someone being kicked in the corner until they cry and con/non-con choking on a cock, might just ruin the moment and the party for that person. Sometimes sex party producers will make available a “kink room” where all the spanking, pinching, slapping, and other kinky play should commence. Often there are still limits put on that room such as: no blood, feces, urine, fire, con/non-con, extremely loud play, or excessively brutal or potentially harmful play allowed. This is a way to include (who I call) “kinky people” at the sex party while limiting exposure of that kink to party members who may be triggered by or uncomfortable around various kink activities. It may also be a way to limit the venue’s (often a private residence’s) potential liability should the cops show up and the party get shut down.
Alternately, kink parties are often spaces explicitly created with kink interaction in mind, and not intending (or interested in) dealing with the aftermath or show of gratuitously sexual acts. Again, this may also be due to state laws and licensing or rental agreements, but if a venue you’re at outlines “no sex” as a part of their rules, find out what acts are acceptable and what acts are not and refrain from violating those guidelines. Some places may have rules suggesting nothing that cross contaminates bodily fluids is what is important, or no exposure or penetration of genitals is allowed, or… just know what’s ok and what isn’t. At kink events there is another person or group of people you should know about: the dungeon master(s) or DMs. These are the people at the party who don’t get to play until they are off duty. They roam around watching all the activity and are available to anyone who needs them. They are not only the safety and security monitors for the party, they are the people you talk to if you need anything, have questions about what you can and cannot do, the person you want to alert ahead of time if you are doing anything that might look suspect, and the person you complain to or flag if you think you see something happen at the party that looks unsafe. Let me reiterate that last one: talk to the DM if you have a concern, DO NOT interrupt a scene because you think it’s suspect, and do not go find the party host who may be getting their freak on to ask questions. DMs were provided for exactly those moments.
Now, parties that are for the kinky people and the sexy people are gold (for sex-geek kinksters like me at least)! Regardless of how you are feeling you’ll be able to find a space for it. You also may learn a thing or two about kink or sex play that you hadn’t considered if your tastes usually align with one side or the other. There are still plenty of rules, so you gotta be responsible for knowing and following them. There may be separate rooms for kink and for sex, or rooms where both can happen. There may be rooms for light play versus harder more violent play, or loud play, tantra, or messy play… Sometimes there will even be demos of a particular type of play happening throughout the evening or at specific times.
In every venue, regardless of whether it’s primarily kinky, sexy, or both, there will be no play zones or rooms. Often the kitchen or bar area will serve for this, sometimes it’s just a couch area away from other play furniture, and often any patio/porch/outdoor areas that are exposed to the public or neighbors are no play zones. No play zones are areas where you are able to go if you need to take some time out and not be around the play, places you can meet and talk to people at the party without there being a fucking machine to talk over or the sounds of orgasms acting as peer pressure while you’re just sniffing each other out.
Usually parties are open to nudity, though areas potentially visible to public and neighbors will generally not be (so expect you’re going to have to put your clothes back on for a smoke break outside unless the venue is in the middle of private land hidden from its neighbors). Sometimes venues require you keep your underwear on, or any other number of dressing requirements shall be laid out – you must be wearing fetishwear, leather, or at least all black to enter, or dress in lingerie, or perhaps there’s a theme you should align with, or masks must be worn – every event has its own purpose and design. Sexy people and kinky people alike are notorious for setting the mood/creative expectations/play purposes for their events. So show up game, prepared, and participate – you’re much more likely to make friends and be asked back.
There may also be rules about what time you need to be at the party by and an entrance fee. The time requirement is generally because a party may have a closed door policy after a certain time, or because the producer wants to set up specific times for types of interactions to get the evening going. There may be time for a meet and greet, speed dating, food and family dinner, workshops or demonstrations, or a gathering and introduction circle before play commences. There may be a “here are the rules and conduct expectations for the evening” lecture that all participants are required to attend… Know in advance what is expected and get to the party on time if you are asked to do so, otherwise you may find yourself locked out of the revelry, whip and gallon sized lube container in hand and no opportunity to use them. And if there’s a ticket fee, suggested donation, list you need to be pre-registered on to enter, or any other specific type of hoop to jump through to get in the door, make sure you accommodate. While you may be missed by some at the party, your absence will not shut it down.
So I got in, now what?!: Good and important question! Aside from knowing the venue’s and event’s rules, guidelines, layouts, and requirements, you need to play nice with others to keep your name on the party list and have any hope of interacting with anyone.
Do
- be respectful of others
- bring your own toys
- gain explicit consent before touching, hugging, kissing, spanking, massaging… etc. ANYONE at the party
- if someone says no to a request, don’t press it, thank them for being clear (in the best cases let them know you hope they have a great party and the invitation is open should they change their mind), and move on.
- negotiate with people clearly before play. Depending on the type of play you are negotiating make sure you cover all your bases.
- usually venues will have their own safe words in play, use them!
- If you’re interested in someone start a polite conversation with them that is not assumptive, coercive, or demanding. Find out if there is any protocol in place for playing with them (should they be in a D/s relationship or, really, any relationship that might require protocol for play), and respectfully negotiate from there if they too are interested
- know who the DM/Dungeon Master/Play Monitor is and approach them for your needs or to let them know you are going to do something that may be disruptive or seem questionable to onlookers
- do generally practice safer sex in public. Though you may not use barriers at home with the same partner you are playing with in public, most venues have safer sex guidelines they expect you to adhere to anyway
- CLEAN UP after play!!!!!!! Just because you were invited over to have hot steamy juicy sex DOES NOT mean anyone wants to pick your condom or gloves or needles or tissues or underwear or bodily secretions or food plate or drink cup off the floor after you’ve left
- start out small and move slowly. If you’re new to an event or venue, take time to walk around and watch how people interact with one another. Hang out in the no play zones and have conversations with people that don’t lead to play negotiations. There is absolutely no shame in not playing at a play party (though don’t lurk either). As you get to know people your opportunities will grow. There is always next time, and some of the people you meet might become play partners if you keep in touch.
- respect safe words immediately and gracefully
- ask if your partner needs any aftercare, and engage in that if needed. Aftercare is just as important as consent, and can be the difference between remembering what happened as a positive interaction or a negative one
- Check in with your play partners frequently enough during play to make sure everyone’s still happy with what’s happening and on track. Also check in for safety reasons as needed
- Talk about STIs/STDs before putting anyone or yourself at risk. No brainer, sometimes intimidating to do, but people at sex and kink parties are generally used to these conversations. Practice makes perfect and here’s a GREAT opportunity to practice!
Don’t
- do not interrupt a kink scene in progress. Kink play can take a great amount of connection to make work, and someone chatting up someone in play, giving unsolicited advice to the top, or touching the toybag or toys of a player is a big big no-no. You wouldn’t like it if it happened to you, so don’t compromise others in this way. It’s not just about emotional vulnerability or lost connection, it could be a safety hazard (physical, mental, or emotional) as well. If you feel play happening in the space is unsafe, approach the DM. It is their job to interrupt scenes, not yours, and they may know about the scene already, they may know something you do not about the players that makes the scene acceptable
- do not be intoxicated at a play party. While some venues are happy to allow alcohol or herbal recreation (as is legal in your area) to aid in relaxation, there is NO EXCUSE for drunkenness or being drugged. Not only is this generally a hazard to other players, it brings into question whether you are able to actually give meaningful consent, whether you will actively and responsibly seek meaningful consent, and your focus on the activities at hand may be impaired – anywhere from tying someone too tightly, to not realizing you have been tied too tightly, or worse. An intoxicated player is a dangerous player. If a party has a no drinking or drugging guideline to begin with is is highly inappropriate for you to pre-party and show up less than present and sober.
- do not assume you can touch someone because someone else did. If a person at a party seems to be playing with others without negotiations or consent conversations, it does not give you the right to approach them any differently than you would anyone else. That person may have multiple partners they have pre-arranged play or scenes with, or they may have relationship dynamics which allow them to be used in various ways at their Dominant’s direction. They may not feel comfortable playing with someone they don’t know or someone they haven’t played with outside the party before… there are a million reasons person A can touch person B, and you cannot
- don’t lurk! Making people feel uncomfortable when they are engaged in vulnerable interactions is not the reason people play publicly. If you are interested in watching a scene, catch the eye of one of the players if you can and ask if it’s alright. Don’t stare. Masturbation while watching people play might be considered intrusive or joining a scene you were not asked to join, again ask if you can get someone’s attention. Stay far enough from the scene you are watching that you are not impeding or interrupting or taking up the energetic space of that scene. Move on if you gather they may be uncomfortable being watched.
- under no circumstances is it ok to enter into an activity that’s in play unless you’ve gained permission from the players. If you walk into an orgy and someone invites you to play, you can play with THAT PERSON ONLY, no one else in that pile has given you permission to touch them. Gather the permissions you need as you go in that scenario, and respect each and every no you encounter.
- Don’t renegotiate with someone mid scene. This can be really problematic for a number of reasons, but especially because often when someone is turned on they’ll say yes to more than when they are not. When the scene is over and your partner is no longer in fuzzy sex-kink-head, you do not want to be accused of disrespecting their boundaries or of manipulating them to do things they are not comfortable with having done
These are just some of the basics, there are always more things that can be said but I think this is a good jumping off point. You’ll find your own process for finding your safe space in public or group play places, and you’ll learn from people who’ve been in a scene longer than you have. Err on the side of respect and checking in and explicit consent, in those cases what have you got to lose?
To Breath and Being,
~ Karin
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~Thank you.
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