Guest Writer: Learning to Love Kink Outside of Sex

The following blog is from the point of view of someone learning to enjoy kink more fully in their relationship outside of kinky sex.  I think one subject that is not talked about enough, especially for D-types, is how much of a process it is to find your kinky side and embrace it, even when kinky play is something you enjoy.  Becoming unapologetically Dominant, Submissive, or kinky in general can be a process.  

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin


Photo by Henning von Berg (

Photo by Henning von Berg (

I’ve been in a kinky relationship for pretty close to a year. In that year, my idea of kink and sex has changed. At first, sex was sex and kink was sex. If I were going to involve kink in my relationship, it would be kinky sex. I knew other people held kink and sex in similar regard and others don’t mix them. I knew why people did but it didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t know why, but at first I felt like kink should only happen if it was paired with sex.

For me, getting used to playing with people’s bodies in non-vanilla ways didn’t make sense. I had to get used to it. It felt a little off. It didn’t make sense because I didn’t know I liked it as much as I did. The idea of seeing someone bound, covered in clothespins, and covered in bite marks was titillating. I didn’t know what to do with that, or how to interact with that idea or someone who was actually bound, covered in clothespins, and covered in bite marks.

It wasn’t until I mixed the two that I realized how much I enjoyed kink. Maybe it was because I felt safe making the connection between being turned on and physically hurting someone. To me, at that point, it started making more sense to mix sex and kink. I was starting to enjoy sex more, the more kink was involved. It was the best sex I had ever had. Now, sex is great without kink, but at this point I’m finally feeling safe in exploring what turns me on outside of sex too.

I started realizing some of the difficulties I was having embracing kink were wrapped in talking with my partner about it all. The more I communicate with my partner about kink and my doubts surrounding it, the more we started negotiating effectively. Now when we negotiate, sex is considered a part of those negotiations, and though sex is on the table in our negotiations it isn’t always an activity that is played out. I’ve come to a point in my enjoyment of kink that kink can now be its own form of sex for me.

I am looking forward to seeing how my relationship with kink and sex continue to evolve over time. I think I have come a long way on my path to self and sexual realization and I know it can only get better.  I’m learning how to trust and accept my desires and the freedom that comes along with them. It’s a really liberating experience.


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~Thank you.

Be an ABCs contributor: Do you have a story or perspective to share about kink or would you like to promote a kinky event? Email Karin directly at: Karin @ ABCsOfKink . com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site. Don’t know what to write about? Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently. Happy writing, and thanks!

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