Our Bodies are Amazing

Whip marks

Our bodies are amazing. It’s simply true. Our skin is this incredible material which holds our innards in despite gravity, tearing, impact, burns, and broken bones inside its casing. Pain is this amazing tool that our bodies offer us in conversation. It proves a malleable experience which we can turn up or turn off the noise of depending on our emotional fortitude, our expectations, and our perception of our safety in that given moment. BDSM plays with these things, allowing us to find newer and newer spectrums of control through sheer force of will, and with the survival intelligence we are gifted from experience. Trust is built through trial and error, and over time our lines in the sand about what we believe we can tolerate moves further and further into the wild. Humans were built for adventure, for physical fortitude, and for intellectual and emotional growth. We get bigger from trying new things and from digestible challenge.

Mummification

I am grateful that I’ve found these communities of people who are as interested in what their bodies are capable of, what their hearts are capable of, what their creative intellects and wills are able to accomplish, as I am. I am proud of what my body has shown me it’s happy (and sometimes unhappy but able) to take. New experience after new experience has taught me more about myself than comfort ever could over the years. I am repeatedly astonished when my desires shift from fear and rejection of an idea, to intrigue, to want, and oftentimes to ease.

There was a moment in time (just a moment) when I considered being punched and “rough body play” to be an awful idea, I thought “who does that?!?!”… The very next day I was punched in a scene and as I felt the deep reverberations echo through my torso, sending pleasure to parts of my body I hadn’t felt come alive for a very long time, I knew this was one of my favorite things. I was angry that being born female had taken these feelings away from me for so long. Getting beat in scene was a reclaiming of my own skin and bones, an emotionally powerful and moving new understanding that I was capable of so much more than I had known.

Needles

Another awe was found hanging 20 feet above a crowd of hundreds with only 2 hooks pierced through my shoulder skin holding me up. I felt my skeleton and organs trying to escape the meatsack I am alongside gravity. Epidermis, I kiss your virtues. Pain is a mindgame where fact and fear wrestle it out over intense sensation, and the journey is a classroom of information recalibrating one’s reactions for many future moments to come.

If you want it to.

The offer is open to everyone.

Dare to walk on fire with someone who knows how, and you’ll learn.

Recently I found myself with fistfulls of needles, pricking, suturing, and tying flesh in formations I hadn’t ever done before. It was beautiful. A love of blood satisfied for the evening, and my sadistic pleasure centers served well. Balls tied to the ceiling and pulled on with weights, labia and nipples sutured and strung up as well, two human animals who love one another and who offered me their flesh I tied together, then needled ribcage to ribcage, and corseted together with string on the bed which was our playground… The chemicals of connection, a practice of breathing, the fuel of trust and desire, and an electrifying sensation from every spark of energy in the room passed back and forth between us all as minutes turned to hours. From this I was high and happy and grateful.

Never cease to be amazed.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

We Make Mistakes

Todays blog is brought to you by adults not jumping into drama when something goes wrong, but talking things out instead. It takes courage to admit you’ve made a mistake. Yet everyone makes them and has to learn to face them when they occur. I made one recently, and while they never feel good to deal with, it’s important to figure out what to do rather than kneejerk react. Throughout my life I’ve found that facing my fear of being in trouble is a more helpful coping mechanism than running away. Respect is an important part of being in community, and though not everyone will be friendly or happy together always — or even like each other fundamentally — I think how we choose to connect with one another matters on a larger scale. It certainly helps alleviate stress over time.

Recently I was at a BDSM play party, and I spent a little time chatting with a submissive person who I had met at a prior event. We were talking about a particular pain toy I enjoy using, and he seemed interested in seeing how it worked. I brought it to him and we moved fairly organically from a quick demo of the toy, to having a lot of fun together, and a pretty solid scene developed between us. What I did not know in this equation was that this particular person was the property of another partygoer. Mid play he mentioned I shouldn’t mark a certain part of his body. I stopped cold. It is a pretty big faux pas to play with someone else’s property without asking first. It’s something I care a lot about respecting, as I would never intentionally cross someone else’s play boundaries. I asked this sub if I should be asking someone for permission to play with him, and his expression immediately turned sheepish. I was informed that yes, he was in fact there with a Mistress…

I felt awful. I didn’t know his Mistress, I had just met her that day, and the last thing I wanted to do was approach her and tell her I had played with her toy without asking. I could have gotten angry and made a scene about it. I could have stopped playing with the sub and not addressed his Mistress, hoping she wouldn’t find out. I could have thought, “whatever, we’ve gone this far already, he’ll sort it out on his own with her later,” and continued to play. I could address the matter with his Mistress then and there and hope for the best. This last scenario is the one I chose. I scolded the sub for putting me in a very uncomfortable position (and I chided myself for not thinking to proactively ask). I told him to follow me as I made my way into the dungeon to seek out his owner. When I found her, I asked if I could play with her sub. She said that I could, and I informed her I had already started to, and that I hadn’t realized I needed to ask her permission first, and I apologized. She seemed a little taken aback, but after a moment looked at me and said, “thanks for letting me know”. She then went about her business, and the sub and I went about ours. He apologized to me for not letting me know sooner, and took responsibility for not saying anything early on. After sufficient acknowledgement of our feelings about the situation, we continued our scene and continued to have a great evening. Fortunately, I don’t feel my relationship with him or his Mistress was compromised. I would definitely have worried about that if she’d found strange marks on him later without my apology attached to them.

Scenarios like this one are tricky, and happen frequently. I’ve noticed similar conflicts within polyamorous and BDSM circles, and (actually pretty frequently) monogamous people who cheat rather than examine their non-monogamous impulses. People lie. People don’t tell the whole truth. People manipulate situations and other’s perspectives through lies of omission to get what they want. People get caught up in unexpected moments of desire and feel all kinds of feelings when they realize they’ve violated agreements or relationship boundaries with their actions. Life is not as clean cut as most humans would like it to be. I think it’s admirable to face the mess and try to help reality function more smoothly.

I live for my relationships and ties to people I care about. It matters to me that I face my mistakes when I know I’ve stepped in something I shouldn’t have. I’ve been lied to and cheated on multiple times in my relationships, and I don’t want to cause the hurt and mistrust in people that I’ve been made to process myself. Am I perfect? Hell no, I am not. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and I’m sure my score won’t ever be a perfect one. I do try and face the things I know I’ve fucked up about though. At the end of the day I’ve found it’s brought me closer with many people and cut a lot of drama out of my field of vision.

It’s normal to feel fear and not know what to do or freeze up, and it’s human to be graceless, or not understand the consequences of our actions. It’s impossible to know everything the people around us think we should know, but I also think it’s important to care about doing better. It’s important to cultivate fortitude and resilience and learn from our mistakes. Not everything in life is about “getting it right”, but growing and learning and becoming bigger than we already are is one of the things we get to keep working on. Reaping the rewards which living a vibrant and nontraditional life can bring you does require sacrifice: courage against the pain of fear.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

Testosterone

Morning after my first T shot

Announcement: I am a few days into my first T shot!

Some background: About a year ago I was set up to start taking T, but I was in a relationship which didn’t emotionally support it. I decided to cancel my doctor’s appointment which would put that prescription in my hand. Since being out of that relationship I’ve been traveling and not available to reschedule my appointment, nor have I felt I knew enough about my constantly changing calendar to maintain starting it. A few days ago I was offered a dose from a friend, and I’m really happy that I accepted.

After this one shot there are a few things I’ve noticed feel different to me. Barely into one dose isn’t going to make a huge change, but there are some things that do feel new. Here are some of my experiences so far:

1. The voice in my head which for my entire life has been nagging and insecure (often to a rather paralyzing degree) about how I look, how I’m perceived, what I’m allowed to do, and whether my needs are worth standing up for has:

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

It’s like a magic muzzle took it away, and that voice in the back of my brain is dulled out or missing entirely from my daily routine. I wonder if that phenomenon is truly a testosterone thing, or a balancing of my personal brain chemistry thing, or something else? It makes me wonder, as a vast generalization, could it be possible that the more T you have swimming through your veins on the daily, the less apt you might be to caring what you look like, spending a ton of time picking apart those details or persevering on it, and allowing such thoughts to deeply influence how you reach out to others? At base I always believed this dynamic to be socially constructed and reinforced by our culture along sex lines. From experience, I know that AFAB people are taught to be concerned about our outward appearances from a very young age, and it’s persistently reinforced in millions of ways publicly, socially, and commercially from that point on. This conversation is obviously complex and multi-layered, but I didn’t expect to feel more secure in my body and confident in general as a side effect of taking a little bit of hormone. My thought patterns, emotions, and functionality have been notably different in the past few days though.

Or maybe it’s a personal-to-me brain balance thing rather than a general side effect of the hormone testosterone. Maybe my brain has been persevorating on these things my whole life in part because my brain wanted more testosterone in my system to ease it out. In general I haven’t felt treated as I’ve wanted to be throughout my life, and maybe taking T somehow balances my brain chemistry in a way which makes the world around seem less stressful to me?

Or perhaps it’s psychosomatic. Maybe by taking this drug which I’ve been wanting to take for a long time, I just feel better about me and can relax about myself a little bit because I’m doing something about it?

Regardless, I really like this feeling of confidence and contentment with my body. I really like touching body parts which I avoid looking at and feeling them differently under my fingers — liking them, feeling their strength, and the way they take up space is positive in a way that’s new to me.

Related, another side effect seems to be that I’m finding it much easier to clean out my system. My intestines feel very functional, and I’ve struggled my entire life with that particular functionality. I connect my intestinal angst with a history of sexual trauma, so I wonder if feeling more physically confident will affect that to some degree?

2. My appetite seems much more consequential. Primally so. I have not been feeling “hungry” the way I am used to. When my stomach growls, my brain isn’t all like, “hmm, how do I feel about eating now…?”. Since taking the shot, I become aware at some point that I need food, and it feels like a demand not a question. When I wait too long to eat I arrive at my meal in a very irritable mood.

I’ve always considered the concept of “hangry” a cute thing that meant “kinda moody and tired or sad ’cause needing to eat”, however over the past few days it’s been like “hungry = agro”. Agro like I don’t really remember feeling much in the past. When I eat I am devouring my food. I am not taking bites here and there and enjoying the conversation. I am wolfing down food. I feel my jaw chewing and my throat swallowing as a bodily focus. It’s as though attitudinally my shoulders are hunched inward protecting my meal. I feel like I know what my father felt like when I watched him eat so much so quickly when I was a child. Wolfing down food, I masticate deliberately with speed and drive these past few days. I need to relearn how to eat, I think. And carry snacks.

3. In conversation I want you to get to the point, and I’m not nervous about stating what I need as well. As I write this, I’m trying to sell my van and buy a new car. It’s been hard for me to figure out what I want out of the deal, how much I think I need to make for my current situation to work out, and it’s been hard to put a finger on how low I’ll go. Pre-shot I was ready to accept any amount I could get, just to get the thing sold. Today as I sat with a prospective buyer who’s been negotiating with me for the past couple weeks, he was explaining what he wanted to pay, and as he was talking I heard my head say, “get to the point, what’s your offer?!” — very out of character for me. When the offer was less than I desired it to be, I easily and casually replied “I understand where you’re coming from, but this is what I need for the deal to work out for me, and I can’t go under that amount”. I know it sounds simple, but that type of self advocacy has historically been hard for me to communicate without getting overly diplomatic, or pulling back from the finality of it, and certainly I’ve always stress-sweated my way through the entire exchange.

I feel great about the deal working out, and I feel great about it not working out. I don’t feel as though everything I need is riding on someone else’s whim. I’ve consistently shied away from conflict, given things away, or accepted being underpaid for my work because I feel overwhelmed by demanding what I need, and I’ve been fearful of rejection when I do. That fear seems to have evaporated with a subcutaneous injection of .4 ml clear viscous T.

4. I have been more awake and ready to go in the morning than usual. I am already a morning person, however I usually stay in bed a bit and read, check my email, and ease into my day slowly. Since my first morning post-shot I have woken up, spent a minimal time in bed, and immediately felt ready to get at the day. I haven’t felt tired throughout the day like I usually do, and my focus has been on point. I want to do physical things more frequently and earlier in my day. I haven’t been feeling depressed. It’s nice.

Do I think all these things are completely testosterone related? No, not really, but maybe? The only time I have ever taken hormones in the past was when I was 17 and had an abortion. Afterward I went on the pill for about 6 months, and it wreaked havoc with my body, my cycle, and my emotions. I hated the way I felt, and my body didn’t return to what I considered “feeling normal” for a few years after taking myself off the pill. Because of that situation I’ve never considered taking hormonal birth control of any type again. I absolutely believe that hormones affect us in a lot of ways rather deeply — my experience of my menstrual cycle for the past 26 years seems proof of that too.

I think there is a balance between the side effects of this hormone, and my personal brain chemistry in reaction to it. I think it’s possible there’s a psychosomatic desire for things to feel different, coupled with a hyper awareness of myself currently that may or may not be attributed to the T shot and a host of other environmental factors — like the fact that I was camping all last week.

Regardless, I have been really happy (except when hangry) since the shot. People have been commenting on it. I’ve been smiling a lot. I’ve been silly and playful in ways I haven’t felt in a while. I’m excited to play with makeup and re-find my love of pretty things as I feel less entrapped by the idea of being perceived as a female femme. Simply that my brain is less low-grade consistently worried about what next steps are coming in my ever-morphing schedule, and less stressed out about how I’ll get to the next place in my list of journeys, makes me feel as though I have more room in my life, my mind, my body, and my heart.

I want more.

Today I headed over to the clinic where I had canceled my appointment last year. I was lucky and got a walk-in appointment with my actual primary care physician — the one I specifically asked for because she’s a well known player in the trans program there. It was like picking up where I had left off, and on Friday I get to pick up my first prescription of T! It’s time.

I’m curious if any of my readers have taken T for periods of time in their lives? If so, did it affect you in similar ways I’ve mentioned? Did you have other experiences, and would you feel comfortable sharing them with me? If you have thoughts, feedback, or comments on the subject I would love to hear from you. Thank you. I also want to send a huge and resounding thank you to all of my friends and supporters who are trans-identified (binary and nonbinary) who have welcomed me and valued me in their company over the past few years. Many of you have helped me feel comfortable expressing myself in ways that I have felt really uncomfortable expressing myself and even demeaned for in the past. I need you. I’m grateful you’ve been there. Thank you.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature (Crea)

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and support me. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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