Hormones are REAL

A picture of me looking very tired but not like I’m allergic to everything! Simple pleasures.

Update from my last post: I started on Testosterone Enanthate (the new formula that hopefully I’m not allergic to) and it seems to be working really well! No more puffy dark circles under my eyes, weird facial puffiness or constant itching throughout my body for weeks on end at my injection sites, and at least for now no more mood swings making me feel strong one day and loathesome the next… I like it so far!

In other news I’m growing some chin hairs, and I have a darkening upper lip. In other other news I have a newfound understanding of the testosterone driven libido and I’d like to talk about that for a minute…

A friend of mine introduced the term “turbo slutting” to me the other day in response to telling them I was feeling insatiable sexually and had jumped head first into doing all the things about it. I finally understand dating apps with a “right now” edge to them. I never have before. It just happened one day — a light switch was turned on inside of me. One day I was regular ‘ol “interested in sex but not really Creature”, and the next day I was like… “mmmm I need to get on some gay boy dating apps STAT“! Elevated levels of testosterone coursing through my veins for the past few months has finally awoken my sexual interest in a way I have never experienced before. It’s marvelous… and exhausting. I’m also really enjoying feeling free and driven to seek out new sexual experiences.

All of the baggage I hold in my body and brain which has historically restrained me from being the slut I am in my fantasy world seems to have gotten shelved… Or more like it’s disintegrating and falling away. Hormone therapy has taken on a new dimension of meaning. If you read this blog you know I often talk about not being that into sex, while loving sexuality, kink, and sensuality. Right now, for a spell at least, it seems my libido is making up for lost time and really doesn’t give a fuck what play partners want as long as it’s hot and I get fucked about it in the end. It’s fascinating to me.

My experience of “right now” sex is a totally different headspace and emotional world than sexual connection was for me before. I feel like I understand “guys” on an entirely other level than I’ve ever been able to conceive of. I can see how most cis men and women are having completely different conversations about their needs surrounding sex and missing each other. The baseline experience surrounding sexual impulse is a completely different beast now that I’m taking testosterone, and I want to have all the conversations about what that means in our culture.

Hormonally I’m a teenage boy right now, and honestly I’m glad I’m 39 and not an inexperienced kid with an intense drive and no experience or street smarts or social supports to keep me and my partners safe. It makes me sad on a whole new level, experiencing what I’m experiencing, that this culture so represses and shuts down conversations about what the chemicals inside us make us think, want, and do as our sexualities come into focus, becoming more complex (and often fragile) instead of strong, resilient, articulate, and open.

I have a lot more to say about this subject, and honestly I wish I was part of a study on what it’s like to transition taking T. So many new understandings and insights are being felt in my body. It’s interesting to talk with some of the men I’ve been around lately too. I have been thinking over past conversations with lovers (male, female, and trans) about relationship needs and understanding my ex’s arguments surrounding sex in an entirely different way — a way I literally couldn’t even conceive of formerly. I also have a better handle on where they were probably not at all able to understand me.

More writing soon, my next blog will be a little more graphic about sexcapades… tune back in soon.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

Self Care Against Desire

What I hope to look like someday without spirit gum glue…

It turns out I’m allergic to the testosterone injection that I take. I’ve been prescribed testosterone cypionate which in injectable form is created from the testosterone cypionate chemical, suspended in cottonseed oil, and mixed with the preservatives benzyl alcohol and benzyl benzoate… I’m fairly certain I’m allergic to the preservatives, benzyl alcohol and benzyl benzoate.

I’ve been on T shots for about 3 months, and the side effects get steadily worse, so I’ve been lowering my dose hoping it would be less irritating to my body until a check-up appointment I have in September. In the meantime I’ve been learning about compound pharmacies and other forms of T that I could be taking instead. Compound pharmacies are pharmacies that will mix your prescription for you from the base elements, which gives people the option of drugs tailored to their particular physiology rather than being stuck with standard doses of standard drugs. The testosterone alternative to cypionate frequently used in the United States is testosterone enanthate. Enanthate is suspended in sesame oil and uses the preservative chlorobutanol which generally has a lot less allergy issues from what I can find on the chemical… That’s what I’ll try next. Unfortunately it is more expensive by about a third. Money aside though, I’d rather not look tired all the time, have headaches, dark circles under my eyes, a puffy face constantly, a red and itchy face, neck, and injection site, or have the injection site remain irritated for longer than a week at a time… These are not normal side effects.

It takes time though to know what’s normal and what isn’t when you’re on a new drug. It doesn’t help that I’ve been traveling all over the place for as long as I’ve been taking shots — is my reaction environmental? Is it my diet or caffeine withdrawal this week? Is it the drugs? Is it transition itself? I get itchy when hair wants to grow in new places on my body. My face morphs and changes over the course of each week and I can’t tell if this is because of the allergy or because of my shapeshifting from testosterone? My body weight, fat distribution, and strength shift over the course of the week, my voice is getting lower and plays up and down a varied course too. There are days I love my body and days I’m really uncomfortable in it. There are a number of factors which feed into each of these observations. It’s hard to know for sure what’s normal and what is not. I look forward to mid-September when I get back to my doctor and can be prescribed a different drug.

I am writing this here today because I think it’s important to know what you want, yes, but it is equally (if not more) important to be physically self-aware. There are consequences to everything. Whether it be bruises from a great night of rough body play, hickies from steamy kisses on the neck, or losing your job for calling in sick after another long night of hang-over inducing fun… What matters is that you know your body and are choosing, to the degree you are able to, the consequences you receive.

I am negotiating with T these days. I might have to take some time off this course. I might have to look into options that are healthier for me, that create less physically expensive consequences. At the end of this desire to alter my physique is a healthy person who knows themselves and doesn’t need a drug more than I need my health. There are a million ways to be who I am. I am being honest with my journey. Following someone else’s path toward success will never bring me as much success as listening to my own needs and finding answers which first and foremost work for me.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

Kinky Home

Where I am at, quite simply and happily right now…

Something that’s been knocking about in my brain lately: Where we’re going, where we’ve come from… I’ve been through lots of different phases in my life, and I hope I never stop searching for the next horizon of interest. I’ve considered my identity to be “X” so many times. (To be fair, in reality, for that moment in time I was.) But then I grow, discover, try something new again, and find a new facet of who I am also.

Expectation.

Expectation is always the biggest stumble. Thinking we’re done, but we never are done, not while we’re thinking and breathing. The minute I think I really truly know something or have arrived somewhere I see over a new crest to a much much higher peak, or realize I want to be walking a different path from the one I’m currently on. Such is life and its many perspectives. Such is the exploration of all that we have at our disposals on this mighty, complex, beautiful earth. I want it all… well, much of it.

Next week some of my friends are going to be at Kinky Summer Camp. I went a few years ago and loved it. I ache to go back but one thing or another has kept me away… Next year? I hope. It’s an amazing experience with hundreds of fun spectacular people and teachers and experiences to be had. I was able to hang from flesh hooks, learn more about pet play, negotiate cuddles, get tied up by rope superstars, watch a lot of people piss on one another, knives and needles, and listen to the sounds of orgasm, screaming, and laughter around the clock. I want it to be like that in regular life. I’m trying to create a space that welcomes these same values in my next home. Going to Summer Camp feels like self-care (hey pup, take note of that and help me get there next year!)

I have a pup in training. It’s a newer development and going really well so far. I love training. It gives me the ability to focus on something and work on it little by little without the expectations of going too fast or being completely immersed always, the way primary relationships have worked out in my past. It’s more ongoing and regular than teaching workshops or long term classes, and it includes so many different aspects of play, service, and personal consideration that I feel myself becoming stronger and my perspective grows bigger as I regard what my pup/student/boy/submissive needs. What I love about teaching is that I also learn so much from each experience myself. Every student brings something new to the table and challenges me in a different way. I live for these exchanges. I love to help people in the ways they want to be held accountable and receive play.

Along those lines I’ve also been ProDoming more frequently, and I finally created a website to help inform my would-be clients what I do and how to connect with me: www.CreatureKink.com. It took a lot of time and effort to put it together (believe it or not I thrive in real life situations, not so much computer navigations). Check it out, I hope you like it. I’d love to hear from anyone who has thoughts about it, questions, interest… I’ll be in Boston for almost all of September, and by October hopefully moving into an apartment in MA or RI.

I’m going to miss my time here and my friends at La Domaine. It’s been a wonderful opportunity to live simply, honestly, and in ways I’m passionate about, ways that comfort me, challenge me, draw me forward, and just feel right. Wish me luck finding the next home, the next kinky wonderland, the one I get to make and offer out to the world we live in. It is what I want.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

 

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