Scent

If you’ve spent any time around me you might have noticed that I smell everything. I touch something, and I smell it. I stop and smell the flowers when I walk. I nuzzle my nose into nooks and crannies, I notice the smells of the room I’m in, or from block to block how lingering the pungent smell of a passing garbage truck has persisted.

I smell myself too. My emotions smell differently than one another. I have ruined shirts from too many wearings while fighting with a partner or feeling stress and fear. Fear smells are distinct from the sweat of a casual walk down the street or from being turned on. I can sometimes tell my partner’s mood by their smell. Smokers, drinkers, fast food eaters, people who are ovulating or menstruating or just took their “T” shot, people who are turned on, sick, drowning insecurities with perfume and deodorant, or having 15 different soaps, shampoos, make-ups, and other sprays lingering on their bodies and in their hair, the unwashed, the clean sweaty, those working in a barnyard or just out cutting the grass, digging in the garden, taking a walk in the woods, after cooking, clothes dried on a line in the sun, baby scalps (yes it’s absolutely a thing, try it if you haven’t sometime), getting closer to the ocean…

I love smelling things. That particular animal instinct is a turn on for me. Knowing exactly where I am on earth because of what I smell makes me feel more grounded and alive, and often more happy.

Once I walked into the bedroom of a friend of mine who I was dating. As I walked in I was hit in the face with the smell of sex — but it was the particular smell of sex that my other partner at the time made. Hours after their affair, without being told, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the two of them had been at play.

One of the sexiest things someone ever did during sex was bury their nose deeply in my armpit while fucking me, inhale wholly, and lick my patch of sweat and hair, obviously turned on by what they found there. I thought “That’s what I do!!!”, and wondered why other people don’t get up in there more frequently. You can’t keep me away from those folds holding a person’s scent. I will point out though, that deodorant and perfume on people really doesn’t smell or taste great while in a feral headspace.

I was surprised the first time I experienced a golden shower that what turned me on most about it was the animal scent of my friend. I immediately felt closer and more loving, more devoted to that person peeing on me. It erased the idea that I might be squicked or taken out of my headspace. Indeed, and excitedly, it pulled me further into the scene.

I’ve been thinking about the smell of testosterone lately. I can smell the synthetic testosterone carried inside some people taking T. It smells like the pheromones coming off naturally higher testosterone producing people, but slightly more… acidic? Acrid? Just a tiny bit. It only bothers me when it’s too much. I think that the different testosterone products smell somewhat differently from one another too (having taken two different versions of the hormone myself). When I started my own T injections my animal smell shifted pretty dramatically. What really fascinated me was that early on, in the first couple months, I smelled like me not on T, and I smelled like me on T… There was a distinct mix of my familiar lifelong musk and the sweeter smelling pungency of many men. The combination of the two was distracting to say the least. It was like smelling sex coming out of my own body from my armpit pores and from between my legs all the time. I was at attention for a week or two constantly feeling a little turned on and euphoric from inhaling a whiff of the mixed chemistry coming out of me.

The smells from my pussy are different too. I think they’re less distinct, and now that I’m not bleeding anymore the monthly garden of smells constantly shifting and turning over has calmed to a more uniform, lighter story. I miss my old smells to tell the truth, but these new ones are ok too.

Once I broke up with someone because they didn’t smell right to me. I found myself showering each time I got home from having a wonderful time with this person. I was madly attracted to them and we were beyond perfect for each other on paper. Luckily it turned out I didn’t smell right to them either, and we were both relieved when the conversation acknowledging that strange hang-up went so well. We’re still close. It’s interesting, hanging out with them after starting on T shots, I don’t dislike their smell as much anymore. I wonder if it’s because we’ve been friends for so long that their smell has become a comfort to me? Or maybe they’re eating differently? Or maybe having higher levels of testosterone circling my own bloodstream is aiming my nose and instinct a bit differently?

My cat’s fur sometimes smells like maple syrup. I could go on all day…

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

A is for ADVOCATING for YOUR KINK

Kitten says, “Will you please play with me?”… I say, “How?”

This is a blog about asking for what you want. Just because you’re kinky doesn’t mean anyone — even the most Dominant Domly intuitive Old Guard been around a million blocks experienced pervert hedonist kinkster — knows what to do with you if you don’t take responsibility for knowing at least a little about what you want out of play. At the end of the day we all want to be taken care of. We all want to impress our wills perfectly and joyously with our partners. Those are huge sweeping ideals though, and to get anywhere near them realistically means talking about sex, talking about kink, and acknowledging very specifically what turns you on, off, and sideways.

I consider BDSM and kinky sex to be describable somewhere between the concepts of “an adult playground” and “the advanced math of sex”. There’s an enormous cross section of things to do and ways to do most activities. From fetishes centered around materials, objects, or body parts, to blood sports, water sports and beyond, to psychological play such as degradation or interrogation, to pet play (of many sorts) and spiritual or energetic kink, service submission, behavior modification… the list goes on and on infinitely. Clearly everyone who’s into being submissive or bottoming for a night (or a lifetime) certainly won’t do so in the same ways, or even for the same reasons as others do. I teach an entire workshop about the various reasons and ways people approach submission (contact me if you’re interested having me teach in a town near you). It’s impossible to know what, as a Top/Dominant you’re allowed and not allowed to do with another person’s body, mind, and emotions without talking about what they both enjoy and dislike first. Gathering that information is the responsibility of all the people interested in play. It’s not the Top/Dominant’s job to make sure they head up extracting every bit of information from a potential playmate when it hasn’t been offered to them. If it were, a lot less play would happen. Like any method of seduction someone must start the conversation, and everyone must participate for that seduction to successfully go anywhere interesting.

To illustrate: recently I asked a few of my more intimate friends to play with my pup. My pup and my friends are currently in a different state, far away from me, and I figured it would be a nice opportunity for my pup to get some play. All of the people I talked to and my pup are mutual friends of one another, and they all hang out regularly, so it seemed an easy way to instigate from afar. We have pretty much all played together in one form or another, but we generally do so separately and in different combinations. Many of us aren’t into the same things. We all have different prime directives, and those differences matter in how we negotiate playing new games with one another.

Even though there was a general excitement from everyone to play “somehow”, there was not enough direction (on my part, or my pup’s) for everyone to know exactly how to manifest that play. Further conversation within the group was necessary. My pup knew I had encouraged our friends to “yank his chain”, and he entered the party expecting a bit more out of the evening than he ended up getting. When I checked in the following day, I found out that my pup didn’t tell anyone at the party what he actually wanted, and he was disappointed more hadn’t happened. At that point my pup got a good scolding as it turned out he never took the opportunities he had over the course of the evening to directly ask for what he wanted, even though opportunities presented themselves. I expect my subs to be clear communicators and do at least half the heavy lifting when it comes to getting theirs.

Being submissive doesn’t get you off the hook for talking explicitly about what things you desire — in fact most Dominant people who care about being good little hedonists are waiting for some type of permission before bringing the big seductive sadistic hammer down on their prey. No one wants to enforce their will on another person if the outcome will be that person feeling as though the were violated, bullied, manipulated, or taken advantage of. This means submissive people must offer something the get the ball rolling. Even if you’re new to BDSM and don’t know what you like, offer at least that information and be willing to thoughtfully converse about what sounds interesting, scary, and disinteresting to you about BDSM to begin with.

There’s a well known saying in BDSM circles that “the submissive person in any scene is actually the one in control”. This is an important concept to understand, and is ultimately what separates BSDM from abuse. When a sub/bottom withdraws their consent for an activity, it stops. End of story. This gives Tops/Dominants a lot of permission to really get into a scene in nasty yet attentive ways. Knowing that it’s our job to stop when our sub has reached a limit allows us to have fun finding (but not overstepping) limits. If we break our toys we don’t get to play with them anymore. If we violate trust we are liable for the damage we’ve caused — be that physical, emotional, or mental. Just like in every facet of sexuality, “no means no” (or, rather, “red means stop, and hard limits mean no”). I’ll be super mean/sadistic/fun/weird/exploratory/etc. once you give me permission to and some boundaries to watch out for along the way. Maybe you want to be punched really hard but not humiliated. Great! Those guidelines let me know what I should do to you and what I should be careful not to do. Maybe you’d like to be degraded and verbally abused but I shouldn’t leave any marks and don’t get into “little girl” territory in the degradation… Wonderful! I’ll call you a filthy piggy whore and make you bathe in mud rather than literally drag your body across the dirty ground it in a way that might leave scrapes and marks… Perhaps you want to be treated literally like a dog and play fetch and eat out of a bowl and get scratched behind the ears — or, perhaps, “pet” play for you means being treated sub-humanly — kicked, yelled at, and eventually fucked and treated like meat? You can see that these are all very different scenes, and a Dominant will have preferences of one type of play over another, just as a sub will. It’s the worst when you think you’re getting exactly what your fantasy scenario is and then realize  “oh no, this is not at all what I thought we were going to do…”.

So know what you want. Explicitly. Practice asking for it. Say it outloud in a mirror ten times before you go out if you have to. Write it down a bunch of times, write scenarios out before you go out to play to practice articulating, at least for yourself, what your fantasies for the evening are. This way if you meet someone you’re interested in, instead of just looking at them blankly and wishing beyond all hope that they’d just be able to read your mind and see the images making you all wet and happy in your head, you actually are prepared to say one or two things about them and get the ball rolling in the right direction.

I do not respond to people who cannot tell me their fantasies. There is nothing to respond to. This is paramount to a big ball of nope for me — nothing’s gonna happen is the outcome. If a sub can tell me even one thing they like, I can ask questions about it. “Oh, so you like getting your balls kicked, how hard? Are there other forms of CBT you like? Do you like rough play in general or is it just located in your genital area that you like abuse? If you like pain in the balls, can I stick needles in them too (devilish grin)?”… The actual scene we’re going to have starts to unfold for me in a way that takes into account the other person’s preferences, considerations, desires, fears, sensitivities, and interest in challenge. All of a sudden I have 45 minutes worth of ideas about what I can do to this person instead of 10 swift kicks to the nuts (which may or may not be satisfying to me), and we’re done.

No one is ever going to know all the answers. However, we each do need to know at least one answer and take responsibility for sharing it with the people we want to play with. That’s how partnership in and out of power play works. Now go get it!

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

T is for TRUST

“Tiger Scratches”, from a delicious and fun pre-negotiated scene where I got to say “yes” to straight razor cuts happily, and feeling safe. Photo by Jon Gunnar

Lately I have been feeling growth uncurl within me. A number of “I want tos” and “I wish I coulds” have been calling. I am ready, I think… Gulp. I read an article, imagine a scenario, pen a response… I want these things. Yes, I do.

This matters because all my life wanting has felt very unsafe to me.

Trust is an elusive imp playing tricks on what we think we want, pitting our desires against the gut’s “mmm… I don’t think so, no”… We learn to push this imp away our whole lives, listening to those around us who we feel pressured by. We learn to say “yes” when it feels like biting off more than we can chew. It’s hard to swallow, the experiences we motion ourselves through, after negotiations like these. Trust deteriorates in time, and we don’t know where we are anymore, what is good, or what we do because we think we’re supposed to. It takes time for us to learn to listen better to our guts, to our trust imps, in this life full of advertisements about what we’re supposed to want.

I do not really love sex. Perhaps this is because my first sexual experience happened at age 4, and it was a coercive, threatening, and manipulative situation which robbed me of my trust in friendship and trust for my own feelings of attraction. Maybe it’s because I was punished directly after escaping the situation, and so I carry this eternal kneejerk reaction to sexual attraction of distrust. Relationship negotiation holds within it a visceral fear that I’ll get in trouble if I pursue the thing I think I want… I get quiet and go even further away when people get angry or frustrated during sex, I glaze over when people make demands, and it’s been hard for most of my sexual history for me to stay present. I feel generally unsafe around other people’s perfectly natural desires for sex. I don’t want this though. For a lot of years I just did what other people wanted, or I measured the success of my relationships based around how regularly “it” was done, because I didn’t know how to actually connect during sex. Sex felt like a game I didn’t understand, a game I was always behind on the rules about, and I did what I thought I was supposed to because I couldn’t find my own desire for sex most of the time.

I’m glad I’m not there anymore (entirely). For me the key to trust and opening up was learning to say “no” and having my “no” respected and celebrated by those around me.

I was at a sex party once, and the theme was “asking for what you want”. Everyone came to the party prepared to practice asking for what they wanted — nothing was off the table. When everyone arrived we started our opening circle, we all had a turn introducing ourselves and revealing our first “ask” to the group. Mine was this:

I want to practice saying no. Would anyone be willing to spend some time propositioning me about various activities so I can practice saying no to them?

At the time it seemed kind of silly and counterproductive to (at a sex party) ask people to let me reject them. However, I have to say, this was one of the most healing and brilliant experiences I’ve ever had. That night’s exercise launched me into years of being able to practice my nos, so that I can actually now locate my maybes and yeses.

It was so hard to do, it turned out I needed a coach. I was approached by a few people at the party who wanted to play. They asked questions, to which I was supposed to say “no”, or “no, thank you”. It turned out I was impossibly bad at just saying no.

Them: Karin, may I kiss you?

Me: Oh, I love kissing, but maybe not right now?

Them: Well, can I pour hot wax all over your body?

Me: Wait, no fair, I love that activity! Um, maybe another time, not right now…

And so it went, with my “I’m really sorry I have to say no right now”, “well maybe later, it’s not personal, I just can’t right now”, or “that sounds interesting but I don’t think I can right now”, and so on…” Every “no” I gave was actually a maybe (?) or in reality, it was a “not-no”. I was finding it emotionally and psychologically extremely hard to pause, find my actual “no”, and simply say it while looking in the faces of my friends — friends who actively wanted me to say no!

I don’t think I’m the only person like this. I believe it’s a pretty normal response from a lot of people. I might even go as far as to say it’s probably exceedingly common among people who have experienced sexual trauma, from AFAB people in general, and I assume it’s a well practiced response from other minority people too. I think the art of “not no-ing” is heavily enculturated in our society. Part of what not no-ing is, is positioning yourself passively around a larger animal that might hurt you. Compliance is self-preservation. We hope to ease away from a situation while appearing compliant when we “not no”.

Simply put, I couldn’t put my foot down firmly because I was afraid to. Deep deep down, even in this safe space surrounded by encouraging friends I was terrified of saying no. I had one friend, let’s call her Jane, who was amazing that night. She kept asking the same question over and over again until I simply said “no” or “no, thank you”. After every qualification I made she shook her head and re-asked:

Jane: May I go down on you?

Me: That sounds really nice, but not now…

Jane: No, try again. May I go down on you Karin?

Me: No thank you, but not because I don’t like the idea of it…

Jane: May I go down on you Karin?

Me: Um, no, but ask me again sometime?

Jane: May I go down on you Karin?

Me: … … … (deep breath, crying a little, terrified) … … No. Thanks.

Jane: (Looking me in the eyes) Thank you, Karin. I’m really glad you told me no.

(I’m still really emotional reading that.)

I wish I could say I was cured from that point onward, but I haven’t been. I do know a lot more about my feelings now, and I know how to slow down and listen to myself better. As a rule these days I pause after being asked for something sexual or sensual, I try to find my “no”, and I don’t say “yes” until I can imagine doing the activity and imagine (or feel) myself wanting to do it. If I can’t imagine doing the thing, or doing things leading up to the thing, I say “no”. If I can imagine doing it and enjoying it, I say “I’d like to try”, and sometimes also “I don’t know if I’m totally into the idea, but I’d like to see if I can get into it, so I’d like to check in a bunch while we try”. If I’m ecstatically into the idea of what’s proposed, I say, “yes, I’d love to!” Sometimes when I realize I’m not into a proposed idea, while I’m finding my “no”, I’ll think of something I want to try instead. In those moments I’ll say “No, I don’t want to ____, but I’d like to ____ if you’re interested in that instead?”. Honest negotiation is what ensues.

If I can’t trust your “no”, I can’t trust your “yes”. This is where I have learned to stand, and it’s a radically helpful idea to hold onto. It has helped me communicate more directly, clearly, and unapologetically about sex, BDSM, and my boundaries with people. After practicing it over the years it’s become more and more easy to communicate about (and even feel) my feelings. I’ve found a lot of people I’m negotiating with appreciate these conversations too. Most people are struggling on some level with social expectations or worse when it comes to sensuality and sexuality. When I am direct and lead with my boundaries and desires, I find other people often feel safer talking about what they do and do not want as well. I’ve been able to negotiate lovely and crazy-seeming things with people consensually and to great end because we negotiated by asking one another about what we don’t want, which then frees us to outline exactly what we each do want. This in turn leads us to more deeply trust each other and ourselves in the process.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature (Crea)

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and support me. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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